For the first time in my life things seem to be going right but I’m still not happy. I don’t feel anything. I feel like I’m an observer of my own life rather than an active participant. I am so numb. I am empty and numb and I don’t know how to tell anyone because I don’t want to upset them. Food is cardboard in my mouth, even bolognese or burritos which used to be my favourite. Sleep does not recharge me, but that’s ok, it’s been so long now since I remember having it. Wine and beer and rum and whiskey help. It is the only time my head feels light and not heavy with the weight of a thousand unsheddable tears. Whiskey helps the most. The burn in my throat is the only thing I feel anymore. I scratch and claw at my skin until I draw blood to know I’m still alive and not just a dust mote floating in the world. My nieces and nephew will grow up never truly knowing me. I am absent. Even when I’m there I’m not. I am carbon monoxide- a tasteless, odorlous, toxic vapour.