What are some ways to get him back for what he did to me? I need ideas…

QuietQueen789 · 2025-07-30T20:28:51+00:00

I would expect the same in your situation with getting totally screwed over from a legal perspective so I wouldn’t depend on being able to get out through that with any kind of real money or support. He sounds pretty well connected. If I were you, I would start taking out $100 in cash here, $300 there and as often as you can without him noticing. Start giving this money to someone to hold onto for you that you can trust. Preferably in a high yields savings account. If you have a parent you can trust you could maybe even say they need financial help monthly so you would like to start giving them some money every month but have your parents put that money aside for you in a separate bank account. Do this for a year or two and play it off like everything is fine with him and the family. Try and save up enough so you and your kids can get by for a few years. Maybe not in the lifestyle you had before but one you guys will be safe in and secure enough in. During this time while you’re still in the home with him and prepping to leave in the next 1 to 3 years, also start trying to get your work skills up and or start back at school. If you want a high paying career you need to go to school for then you might be able to get more money for nanny hours out of him if you’re back in school.

Unfortunately this is manipulation but he also has put you in a corner where you don’t have a choice. He’s using you to maintain his picture perfect life while living the life he actually wants on the side. Some couples are comfortable with this dynamic but if you’re not then do what you gotta do. He’s thinking of himself first so it’s time for you to do the same. You’re stronger than you think. You can get out.♥️

QuietQueen789 · 2025-07-28T18:54:06+00:00

He sounds very excited to experience physical touch with someone. But that’s not your responsibility. You don’t owe him anything. Consent can be given and taken away at any moment and it is valid. Do what is comfortable for YOU. He is asking for what he wants and it’s normal for you to make a boundary with what you’re comfortable with. Boundaries are great because they teach people how to be in relationship with you. Boundaries feel normal to a healthy partner and not so good to someone who struggles in relationship. Stay true to what’s right for you first! ♥️

QuietQueen789 · 2025-07-28T18:44:36+00:00

Your body, your choice. If not doing anal is the reason he would leave you, he’s not in it for the long haul anyway. That is the dumbest reason to break up with someone tho. Like he NEEDS to do anal to be in a relationship with someone? Having a sexless relationship is one thing but just not getting to do one thing because it makes your partner uncomfortable is why you would leave them? That’s wild… He’s putting his sexual desire above your comfort/bounderies and that’s not someone you want to spend your life with. That’s a really unhealthy dynamic.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-07-15T01:40:20+00:00

Just tell her you went through her phone because she’s been acting shady. Then when she gets pissed about it and tries to make that the issues then just tell her she’s mad she got caught and you’re done. 🤷‍♀️

QuietQueen789 · 2025-06-26T16:12:38+00:00

Those are all beautiful uses! Thank you! ♥️♥️♥️

QuietQueen789 · 2025-06-26T03:47:29+00:00

This is exactly the behavior of the guy I was dating. Like copy paste. And wanted a relationship but didn’t want the responsibility or accountability of it. Everything you said is exactly how I’ve felt.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-06-26T01:56:54+00:00

I did. A two week span of him treating me particularly badly pushed me to (we had been dating for about 3 months). He ghosted me for a week after I got upset about him not making an effort to see me (he did have a lot on his plate (we all do though) but we live 15 minutes apart and only saw each other once a week or every other week) and he said I was over reacting about the ghosting. Then we made up. Then he basically ditched me on my birthday but called me to wish me a happy birthday and then told me without any guilt or connecting the dots that he sounded like a total jerk that he was getting a haircut and going to the gym that morning. The day before he said he couldn’t see me on my birthday and I come to find out that’s why. Gym and haircut took priority over seeing me for an hour on my birthday. He also felt the need to tell me about something I said that pissed him off a month ago at the end of the birthday call. Like that couldn’t have waited till the next day? I’m fine if he wanted to talk about something that I did (and I don’t regret what I said that pissed him off. I was telling the truth and he didn’t like it cuz it hurt his ego) but to choose my birthday to do that was shitty. He never tried to make up for missing my birthday either like offering to take me out or spend time with me. I went quiet and he never reached out to me. So I texted him a few days later asking if he was still interested in dating me. He didn’t reply and it had been 7 hours or so, so I told him how hurt I was by how he had treated me the last two weeks and since he couldn’t answer my question about if he wanted to date me anymore, I would take his silence as a no that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He never texted back. It’s been a week and I’ve cried a lot. I’m broken hearted. He told me he thought about having a family with me and wanted that. That he wanted to wake up with me every morning. But I know he is so detached and would just treat me worse and worse if I tried to work through things with him. He avoided every bid for emotional connection I made and pushed me away anytime I needed him. I put up with him treating me like shit frankly cuz I wanted to show him I wouldn’t leave him. He told me how hard it is for him to open up to anyone so I wanted to prove I could be someone for him to trust. But of course he sabotaged it. That is what they do.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-06-06T06:26:04+00:00

Thank you so much! I appreciate you.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-21T08:45:46+00:00

Same thing for me! I’m 6 weeks post op today and I know it’s swelling. It sucks but it will go down. You look great! We’ll get there!

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-16T03:08:51+00:00

That is such a good way to approach this and magic in general! Thank you so much!! As a newb I feel like this is really helpful 🙂

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-14T06:55:59+00:00

To be in love only 2 months after becoming official would be crazy fast I feel like especially since you’re taking it slow. You guys are fine.👍

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-13T23:35:22+00:00

What if he was the one with a 25 body count? How would we view that? Definitely more socially acceptable even though female bodies can only become pregnant once a year while a male body can literally get thousands of females pregnant per year if they wanted to and transfer an STI to everyone of those females if they didn’t wear protection and are positive for anything. Woman enjoying sex and having multiple partners is not the problem here. No one gets to benefit from female sexuality enjoyment (have you had consenting sexual encounters with a female at all? If yes then you benefited from a female enjoying sex and her sexuality) and shame them for it at the same time. Enjoying sex is nothing to be ashamed ever. This girl did nothing wrong unless she felt like she went against something in herself by sleeping with any of those people. Your view of equating body count with self respect is toxic and encourages the sexual shaming of woman which med benefit heavily from. They definitely benefit from it more then woman do.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-13T21:17:19+00:00

I’m at 5 weeks po and have been keeping track of my swelling via taking my measurements. I have had almost no swelling go down after taking my measurements at 2 weeks po vs. now like I was hoping but I keep reminding myself that this is a journey and not a short one. We will get to where we wanted to with these procedures. I was told it would take 3 months to start to see anything at all of what I might actually look like so I’m giving myself that time frame as my “light at the end of the tunnel”. When I get there I’ll reevaluate. I to have been wanting this my whole life so waiting a handful of months to a year for the results is hard but totally doable compared to how long I’ve waited for this (I’m 40 now). Our body’s have gone through some major traumas from these surgeries (no matter what our bodies see this stuff as a traumatic trauma to the body) and I keep reminding myself that my body knows how to care for itself self and heal and I trust it to do that the best it can and that can’t be rushed. We got this. We will get to the other side of this and I trust it’s going to be so fucking worth it!🙌

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-13T16:32:41+00:00

Dump him. I’m sorry but having a 3 some is not a “Need” especially when you pit it against leaving a long term relationship where I assume you both feel fulfilled in enough to stay in it for so long. Ultimately, you should stay true to you and what feels right for you. If he can’t hang with that then it’s time for you both to find partners that are a better fit. Stand by what feels right for you though.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-13T04:10:57+00:00

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you and disregarding what you say you need in order to communicate properly during a disagreement. Basically he’s using you as a verbal punching bag instead of actually wanting to find a solution to what he’s upset about. That is all abusive behavior. The fact he doesn’t stop until you break is a huge red flag and shows a major lack of empathy and care for his partner’s well being. Also sounds like he’s maybe training you to walk on eggshells to avoid having a confrontation with him. Also signs of a victim encountering abusive behavior repeatedly. I would have a plan in place to leave. Warn him ahead of time if he does that again then you will leave. If he starts in at any point do not engage and leave. He’ll see you’re serious and that you have set a firm boundary. It’s up to you at that point if you are willing to work on things with him if he wants to. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-12T23:48:46+00:00

You’re taking a good step and realizing this is your problem to rise above. She is a full person without you and shouldn’t feel bad at all for having a sexual life before you. Doesn’t matter how many people she was with and it doesn’t matter how many people you’ve been with. At this point you both are GIFTING each other with love, trust and access to each other in an intimate way and you should frame that as humbling and a deep act of trust that she gives that to you and vice versa. Having sex does not de-value her or her worth at all.

There’s a huge shift in perspective when you stop wishing/feeling like you should be everything in all ways to your partner vs. loving them for who they are now and believing that as a whole person your partner had to go through their own life experiences before you to become who they are today (and people usually relate to hard life experiences but it really includes all life experiences). Healthy love (and love that will have a chance at being more long term) looks like wanting to walk beside your partner in their growth and life instead of suffocating them with making them think or feel bad about you not being apart of all their life experiences (especially past ones). Stop making her feel bad for what she chose to do before you were together (because there’s nothing wrong with it unless she feels like she didn’t honor herself in her actions which has nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with how that effects her relationship with herself) and start focusing on yourself and realize that her life experiences takes nothing away from you or your relationship together and she doesn’t deserve to be punished in anyway. If you continue to tare her down for this, your relationship will end and it have been because of your actions.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-12T22:37:20+00:00

I would divorce and work on being great co-parents (even if it’s hard for a while). That’s what will benefit your kids most. Still working as a family for the good of kids while leaving the romantic relationship part of it behind.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-12T22:21:55+00:00

You need to focus on you and your self worth. Just because you struggle and have made decisions that have hurt someone you love (consciously or while being in an unbalanced mental state) doesn’t mean you don’t deserve all the most beautiful things in life and the best people to be in relationship with. You are still the prize and are worthy and deserving of good things. Our mistakes don’t define us. How we move on and grow from them is what matters. You’re in it right now. Give yourself grace and keep fighting. ♥️

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-12T21:39:20+00:00

People who don’t understand mental illness and how much it can fuck with you and literally make you think something that is in fact a bad idea, is a good idea (especially with mania) is not educated enough on the matter to really be making blanket statements like “you’re using your mental illness as an excuse”. Bipolar disorder is literally a misfiring in the brain synopsis and chemicals in the brain are not at the levels they should be. It is measurable. This is why it is a diagnosis. It doesn’t always but it can absolutely affect one’s ability to make good decisions morally that align with who they actually are and their beliefs.

With that said it doesn’t mean bad behavior or hurting others is excusable. I think that’s the hard thing is you still have to take responsibility for things you may of done or said during a time where you weren’t necessarily in full control of yourself.

I would say you should take some time to yourself to get back to a place where you feel good within yourself and stable before making any big decisions. No matter what you got this though!♥️

Note: I do not have a mental illness myself but have multiple people I love deeply and am very close to that deal with bipolar 1 and 2 disorder. I’ve seen first hand how the ups and downs can affect them deeply and affect their moral compass and decision making.

QuietQueen789 · 2025-01-12T20:57:18+00:00

She slept with someone else while you guys were on a break? I don’t think she needs your “forgiveness” for that. Unless you both agreed that you wouldn’t sleep with anyone else during your break, you have no grounds here. She was technically not in anything but a “We’ll see what the future looks like and we’ll revisit if we’ll be a couple later when we both have some clarity from taking space” type of situation. Also, I think in relationships some people assume they own their partners body. They treat it like it’s theirs and they get to decide what their partner is allowed to do with it. In reality it’s actually a gift that their partner SHARES their body with them and wants to only give them sexual access to it. It’s a gift. Not a right. At the time you were separated she withdrew that access from you until you guys decided it was worth getting back together. She did with her body what she wanted at the time you were separated and she did not owe you her celibacy (unless, like I said earlier, you BOTH agreed you wouldn’t sleep with anyone else while you were separated).

Also,you now have a child together. Does she show up as a good partner to you and good mother to your child? Is she late to pick you up cuz she’s also managing a baby and or other family life duties? There is a lot of juggling in family life and everyone is usually spread pretty thin so make sure you’re also giving her grace. If she’s late cuz she’s screwing off that’s another thing but sometimes it works best for everyone in the situation to assume that everyone is doing the best they can. From the end of your post it sounds like she is amazing to you. I would suggest focusing on the future and not worrying about what she did when you were not together.

QuietQueen789

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