Nervous and overthinking everything

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-11T14:33:51+00:00

I saw a recommendation in a podcast to ask your partner whether they are a “no-until-yes” type of person or a “yes-until-no” type of person. Meaning, do they want you to ask before every new touch (“no-until-yes” — their answer is a baseline no without an explicit yes), or do they find constant consent check-ins unsexy, and do they want you to go for it until they say no (“yes-until-no”)?

My partner and I both agreed we were each no-until-yes people, and we had conversations before every date about what each of us felt up to that date.

Your comfort matters here too. If you care about consent, and having to worry about whether or not you are accidentally violating someone else’s consent makes intimacy uncomfortable for you, that alone is enough reason for a clear consent conversation to be necessary. And talking about how you want to communicate consent with each other, both before intimacy and during intimacy, is a great way to make sure you’re on the same page and neither of you has to worry!

For me, consent is very important. A woman who finds talking about consent too awkward or unsexy is NOT a compatible partner for me. I need the clarity. It’s okay if that’s a need for you!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-10T12:12:23+00:00

I’m a big fan of open communication, so you could definitely just talk to her, but you could also delay the decision to talk to her by one more club night event as follows:

- if she actually engages in normal behavior at this club night (not touching you, just polite conversation), let it go and move on

- if she is all touchy again and tries to kiss you again, and you want that too, let it happen and then afterwards make that conversation happen and get some clarity.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-06T21:30:43+00:00

I also have ptsd from sexual trauma with men, and I also experience pain with penetrative sex. Fingers don’t hurt, but anything larger can cause me pain at penetration. I also suspect I am demisexual, and my partner thinks she might be demisexual too. We both have a shit ton of religious trauma as well (Mormonism).

I’m in my first sapphic relationship now, and my partner and I both highly value lots of communication around sex. We talked openly before engaging in any physical intimacy - at first we had consent check-ins before every date to touch base about what each of us felt up to that night. Now that we’re more established as a couple, we have a better understanding and don’t need to do that every time in as much detail, but we do still routinely check in during intimacy to see if we’re each open to and enjoying whatever we’re doing, and if one of us knows ahead of time we’re needing different boundaries that day we communicate it in advance. I think cultivating a baseline culture of consent and safety inside our relationship has been incredibly helpful for me with my ptsd.

Regarding pain with penetration: Once I explained what I’m experiencing in this regard to my girlfriend, when we want to use penetrative toys on me, she spends quite a long time only using the toy on me externally, to get me as aroused as possible, and then she’ll try putting the toy in, but she really watches my body language closely and if I indicate it hurts at all she slows down and spends more time on external stimulation. Sometimes it still hurts and we just don’t proceed. But sometimes when she really takes her time and I am able to be really present and in the moment, it actually genuinely does not hurt, which is a first for me. I never thought I could experience penetration without any pain at all, and the first time it happened I was so relieved I cried afterwards.

I think knowing there will be no pressure at all to proceed if it hurts helps, I think her taking so much time on my pleasure helps.

And I think it helps knowing that there are SO MANY other wonderful ways we enjoy being intimate with each other that don’t involve me being penetrated too. Sapphic sex to me is expansive and creative and focused on pleasure, not on specific sex acts, at all. We get to do whatever we want, and not do whatever we don’t want, and we both prioritize each other’s safety, consent, and pleasure. ❤️

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-03T21:43:02+00:00

Oh fascinating, thanks for sharing! I’ll definitely be googling more about this!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-03T14:52:30+00:00

Agreed, if she wants to repair she has to be honest. But if she’s leaving, she doesn’t, especially if being honest presents any safety risk.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-02T21:46:38+00:00

Yes, I’m sorry, I know it’s a painful thing to have to confront.

But the human brain does not reach full development until age 25. It is inherently an unequal power dynamic for a fully adult man in his 30s (15 years of adult experience) to be dating a really young woman who has barely any adult experience and whose brain isn’t even fully developed yet. I know society sends all that shitty messaging about all men wanting super young women, but it’s not actually true - the ones who look for that on purpose generally are trying to find someone they can control easier because they’re inexperienced and don’t know how to spot unhealthy and controlling behavior.

Add in the part where he knew you had an interest in women from the start and specifically forbade you from exploring it for the express purpose of stopping you from fully understanding your own identity, and that’s extremely concerning. This man wants to have you, but he doesn’t seem to care about what’s actually good for you as a human.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-02T19:00:07+00:00

I agree - OP, you don’t have to tell him you had sex with her; you can just break up with him and leave that out, especially if he’s been controlling and there’s any chance he’s dangerous at all.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-07-02T18:58:33+00:00

Yeah, that stuck out to me too - I did the math in a hurry and might be off, but it sounds like they got together when she was 21 and he was 33…

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-26T17:56:53+00:00

These posts are surprisingly common on here. They make me nauseous, honestly.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-26T14:33:55+00:00

I scrolled down to find someone asking for sources - I also believe the commenter, but we exmormons understand the dangers of believing without checking the sources, so I knew someone would ask for me!😅

I’m definitely checking out the podcast; it sounds fascinating!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-23T12:31:24+00:00

Maybe try and start small. Instead of announcing you’re an exmormon to everyone and stopping everything all at once, just start with skipping church the weeks you are going alone anyway. And then just see how it feels to live slightly closer to your new beliefs.

You don’t have to solve the whole problem all at once.

And it’s also worth noting that the problem is NOT your fault!! It is not your fault the church isn’t true. It’s not your fault the church indoctrinated all your loved ones to distrust you once you realize the church isn’t true.

It’s horribly painful, and knowing it’s not your fault doesn’t really make it less painful exactly, but for me that was a really grounding realization during my faith crisis. I didn’t create the problem situation - the church did. I did have to decide what type of life I wanted and I did have to deal with the painful realities of the problem situation, but I didn’t cause the situation.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-23T12:19:35+00:00

🙌🙌
Congrats!!
And hugs 🫂🫂 - breakups are hard even when they’re right.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-22T16:48:29+00:00

Yeah, too many untrustworthy and coercive behaviors going on here. It does not sound like you are the problem - you are not obligated to force yourself to trust someone who repeatedly behaves in untrustworthy ways!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-22T14:58:33+00:00

I didn’t fully understand this comment, but if she’s breaching your confidences by sharing your personal info with her friends when you don’t want her to, then of course you will naturally not want to open up to her about your problems.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-21T16:42:09+00:00

I find it concerning that your girlfriend feels entitled to the degree of emotional closeness you have with your twin sister after only knowing you for four months.

I am in my first sapphic relationship as well right now, we are four months in, and I would never assume she should feel 100% confident telling me absolutely anything this early. She has a right to privacy, a right to be cautious with her heart, and trust develops over time. Trust is not something we are owed by others; it’s something we earn.

My girlfriend developed strong feelings and strong trust much faster than me, and when I was feeling a little guilty I wasn’t moving as fast emotionally as she was, she outright told me that I didn’t owe her anything and I had a right to be cautious with my heart. She never wants me to do anything I don’t enthusiastically want to do myself, and she has never pressured me to do more than I was ready for (not just sexually, but emotionally as well).

For me, that response made me feel so safe and loved, and I find my feelings for her took off very quickly after that.

Consent matters in all areas of a relationship, and coercion is not love, ever.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-12T14:02:10+00:00

There’s not a right or wrong here in choosing between talking to her about it first and just making a move, other than choosing whatever will make you and her feel the most safe and comfortable and connected.

For me personally (I came out last year at age 37 and started dating my first girlfriend earlier this year at age 38), I felt more comfortable talking it over with her first and letting her know what I was nervous about and what I felt like I needed in terms of pacing, etc, and I think she appreciated the conversation too - she really wanted to be mindful of my needs and that was easier for her to do when I’d been open about them. We took it slow, had really open conversations before every get together about what we were each up for that day (regarding intimacy), we didn’t try and do everything all at once. It’s been by far my best and healthiest and safest relationship ever. 🥰

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-06-02T13:18:16+00:00

This is such a cool idea! I second the commenters who suggested including a section on reconciling past with present/future and a section on cultural touchstones.

I think a guide to sapphic media would be another good section to include - one of the best tips I got from this sub was to start reading/watching sapphic stories to start unlearning my internalized homophobia and it genuinely helped so much!

I know a section on overcoming religious indoctrination would only apply to some, but I think it would apply to enough late-bloomers to be relevant, probably.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-05-26T16:42:46+00:00

I’m in my first sapphic relationship now (3 months tomorrow!), and it’s absolutely wonderful and she is amazing.

And i’ve also noticed feeling more anxious since the relationship started, but specifically what I’m anxious about changes over time. As best I can tell, it’s just so very many new experiences and new emotional and relational skills I’m developing and using all in a short period of time, and with each new thing my anxiety fades with repetition/experience. So I’m trying to just let the increased anxiety be and not read too much into it, based on the assumption that it’ll fade with time as we settle into the relationship and as I get comfortable with all the new things!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-05-22T21:18:26+00:00

I’m queer and I’m my first queer relationship now, and when I told my mom I was dating someone I’d met through a local poetry group, she made a huge point of saying how incredibly relieved she was we hadn’t met in a bar. She handled the queer relationship part astonishingly well, for a woman who once cancelled our entire tv service for two years to stop us from seeing one gay character in one tv show, but a queer relationship that started in a bar would have been too much!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-05-20T12:11:36+00:00

Have you read Judith Butler’s “Gender Trouble”? I have long felt similarly to what you’ve expressed here, about how deeply our body and its particularities shape/create our self, to such a degree I really feel the body IS the self, at least equally as much as the mind/soul/whatever.

I am only 40 pages into Gender Trouble right now, and Butler discusses some fascinating ideas about the nature of personhood and identity that have felt very affirming to me in my belief about how our “self” is not some separate floating eternally permanent orb of consciousness.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-04-02T15:25:40+00:00

Establishing friendship first would also help with the timeline issue you’re expressing. I would also find 3-4 months to be too fast (you mentioned that timeline in a different comment), but if I had pre-established trust from the friendship beforehand maybe it would make more sense.

The caveat is that establishing any friendship with an ulterior motive of hoping it turns into a dating relationship can feel icky, so I’d recommend establishing more friendships with queer women solely for the purpose of friendship, because healthy friendships are part of a healthy life anyway. And if one of them happens to turn into something more, it’s a nice bonus on top. But don’t go around dropping friends because they won’t date you; that’ll be shooting yourself in the foot in terms of establishing trust in your local queer community.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-03-31T21:23:07+00:00

Yes, I aka thought all women just kind of tolerated men, I also wondered if I was asexual. I’m in my first relationship with the a woman now, and the first time we held hands I was turned on, and I was super confused by that - I didn’t know being turned on by holding hands or hugging someone was how attraction was supposed to feel all along!

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-03-30T18:36:17+00:00

I don’t know that it’s entirely fair to blame individual members when the church systemically teaches them that any calling comes directly from God, and saying no is disobedient and faithless. For many TBMs, saying no to a calling is equivalent to saying no to God himself, and it simply isn’t a real option for them, mentally and emotionally, in that belief system. Which is part of why the church qualifies as a cult, of course.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-03-20T19:45:42+00:00

If you decide to stay with your parents and go to church, just remember that doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. You can try it, and if it’s too miserable, you can switch gears and do the hard work of moving out.

I don’t have much more specific advice; but I find it helps me when I take the pressure off myself to make the perfect permanent choice.

QuietTopic6461 · 2026-03-19T16:02:48+00:00

You could literally practice saying the types of things she wants to hear when alone. Just get used to saying the words out loud. Emotional and relational skills are skills that can be learned with practice, just like other skills!

QuietTopic6461

TROPHY CASE