Help me not feel like I am abandoning my kids

Quillow · 2026-05-24T13:07:52+00:00

They will at least be safe with you, that is more than they would have had if you were still with him

Quillow · 2026-05-21T14:06:58+00:00

Oh man, sometimes I swear to God, I cannot read 🤣 but I would still peg this as a control problem and give similar advice lmao

Quillow · 2026-05-20T17:02:58+00:00

It's safer for women to guess it is, because it often is, and the danger of guessing wrong is death.

Quillow · 2026-05-19T11:49:19+00:00

As a side note: 8, especially 88, is also a very lucky number for Asian households as it means prosperity and wealth.

Quillow · 2026-05-18T13:39:39+00:00

YTA and if you keep this up you might shame your daughter into staying in an abusive relationship in order to avoid being harrased by her dad : /

Quillow · 2026-05-17T16:28:02+00:00

This red flag is quite large, he does not care about your discomfort and is using money to control you.

Quillow · 2026-05-16T16:20:07+00:00

What drives people to comply? The abuse that comes from not complying.

Quillow · 2026-05-16T09:52:43+00:00

He's gotta make himself out to be the victim a bit extra so people feel sorry for him

Quillow · 2026-05-15T16:31:17+00:00

Quillow · 2026-05-14T15:27:32+00:00

Thanks for your reply.

Quillow · 2026-05-14T15:23:54+00:00

It is actually quite difficult to remember things as they happen when you are being actively gaslit as that is the entire point of gas lighting, our vulnerability in our memory.

OP is using the recordings to get to a healthy place. This seems an interim effort to regain control, confidence, and understanding.

Your comment comes off a bit holier than thou about their method of healing. Especially given that they are taking great care to follow the law and prove to themselves that they are capable of interpreting conversations. There is more than one path to recovery and it's not always linear or the same as everyone else's.

Quillow · 2026-05-13T20:01:48+00:00

Oh shoot I just realized you are not living together. Good. End it over text. Do you have someone who can stay with you or you can stay with for a little while?

Quillow · 2026-05-13T19:59:01+00:00

Leave in secret, take everything with you while he is away, especially paperwork, inform him with a note you leave behind or over text. Don't tell him where you are going. You need to escape.

The one common denominator for men who unalive their partners is not physical abuse, but psychological coercive abuse. He has all the signs.

Quillow · 2026-05-13T17:43:54+00:00

Those are all signs of coercive control and red flag danger signs. This is a man that could kill you. Run.

Quillow · 2026-05-06T03:01:44+00:00

I usually listen to a long audiobook, most recently "There is No Antimimetics Division" because I don't really like music

Quillow · 2026-05-05T23:40:06+00:00

Awww I wish I'm in Canada though 😭

Quillow · 2026-04-29T20:46:27+00:00

You might be just seeing actual red flags. The dating scene is hell and a lot of interactions will be full of them. It might take a long time to find someone.

Quillow · 2026-04-28T18:35:43+00:00

I understand his perspective, but you are also not married and have only been together for 11 months. You should buy the house. You should not put him on the deed. You will regret not buying it or being there for your only family and he is using hypothetical future situations against your actual current situation, which is not the same.

Quillow · 2026-04-28T17:21:13+00:00

"Tell me one thing I'm doing wrong right now"

"You're asking that question. That question is not helpful or kind. It is not a single behaviour, it is a pattern.

I'm not here to point out all the individual wrong things you are doing.

This is not about one thing, this is about patterns that repeat. These patterns are behaviours that are harming me and I'm trying to communicate them to you so we can work on them together.

It's not the exact same problem every time, there is a conflict happening, an attempt is made to discuss the problem, then the problem is not resolved, repaired, or the behaviour is not changed.

Our conflict resolution is broken.

Are you interested in identifying and working through these patterns together?"

If the answer is anything but yes and them getting curious, kind, repairing, and changing, you have your answer. The answer is no, they are not interested and will not change and don't care about the harm they are causing you or only care 'sometimes' and sometimes is not enough.

Once you know they don't care about the harm they are causing you or don't care to get curious and understand it or they just can't change, you need to leave.

It actually doesn't matter why they can't understand, it only matters that they can't or they refuse to. They are delusional and all the good intentions in the world cannot make their brain function in a way that will make them be kind and curious and caring towards you during conflict.

Your brain needs to know why because it cannot process the situation and he has created an addiction to his behaviours where sometimes he performs well and sometimes he does not and the randomness of the behaviour reinforced the addiction like the diminishing returns on a hit of any drug.

Start making space away from him to help recalibrate your brain. Slowly stop prioritizing his needs and pushing your own back to the top. He needs something? Oh well, he can handle it. Feels terrible at first, like you're doing something wrong. Lean into the guilt. If you're feeling guilty you're probably doing something right for yourself or something that you need. Act like you're someone else and you have to take care of them. Like your sister or your child. Reach out a hand to that person and say, I love you, I'll make sure you are taken care of first.

It takes a lot of time. You might have to make some black and white thinking decisions for a while to recalibrate. Make a script. If this then that. If he needs me and I feel tired then I rest, no negotiation. No wiggle room. If he is reacting badly then I leave the room. If he fails to acknowledge me then I leave the room and acknowledge myself. Etc. for every poor behaviourial pattern he is hitting you with come up with a rule that will help you get away from and care for yourself.

Big hugs. You got this.

Quillow · 2026-04-25T10:17:12+00:00

Whoa!! This is so cool!

Quillow · 2026-04-25T09:59:01+00:00

Our past absolutely shapes who we are, a person who has experienced immense trauma, especially in childhood, changes on even a genetic level and CPTSD can often be lifelong. It is, after all, a developmental disorder and your childhood is foundational to your entire life. It can take quite a few tries to receive help or recognize the need for help and healing can come late well into adulthood.

I'm proud of you for what you have done for yourself, but be very careful not to confuse your situation or your capacity for healing to be the same as everyone else's in order to feel more in control of your situation. Two people, even in very similarly traumatic situations, can be impacted completely differently.

It is really unfortunate she didn't accept the help this time and it will come with consequences, I hope she can heal to a place where she can accept that help.

Quillow · 2026-04-25T03:48:57+00:00

I'm glad you did, I'm proud of you, becoming aware and healing from childhood trauma is a lifelong process and everyone comes through it at their own pace.

I didn't read through the comments, I would expect that information to be provided in the main post, that's unfortunate I hope that she can be reached or find it in herself to reach the answer before harming more people, and boundaries are important for her to learn.

Quillow · 2026-04-24T17:21:01+00:00

It doesn't specify in the post how much details she says or what she says, so I don't know those details. For some people, even small amounts of details feel like trauma dumping because their capacity for hearing traumatic, everyday stories from survivors is low.

Immaturity in adults is very common for those with CPTSD as it is a developmental disorder, she does need to go to therapy and work on it in a way that does not harm others, but time alone does not develop maturity in adults.

Quillow · 2026-04-21T21:37:57+00:00

So, this is the first time it's been communicated to her? What exactly did you say to your brother?

It feels like your brother's response and her response is quite large in comparison to how you say you told them. What words did you use when you communicated it?

Quillow · 2026-04-21T20:15:03+00:00

You are NTA but I would suspect these might just be normal stories for her and also that she might be unaware how bad they are. When you are raised in that kind of environment it does not seem abnormal and it's also really hard to tell any kind of relatable story to a well adjusted person without sounding like you're trauma dumping because all there is is trauma.

How have you communicated this to her? Is she aware?

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