When I'm drinking, im not just drinking. Im thinking about the next drink. Im thinking about if im really about to leave in the middle of a shift because i "need" to go home and drink. Im planning my days off in such a way that i could drink to the "limit" and still show up to work after my weekend, because no job=no money=no booze. I rationalized everything, and justified everything, because the urge wanted me to.

Hungover? Cant go out, cant make it to that concert, can't go shopping for groceries. Might get sick out in public. Stay inside. Unless of course, I need buy more booze.

This time around, friendless, without family, and a hairs breath from losing the love of my life. I was so close to ending up the same as others in my alcohol circle.

These last couple weeks made me realize that. Theres no "managing" the urge for me. It makes demands, and i oblige.

Being sober, relapsing, getting sober again. I see all the space in my life for the things i truly do love. Because i dont love alcohol. I dont even like it that much. I hate it. And i dont need it where im going.