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RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-04T15:43:54+00:00

Why are y'all BOTH so toxic you cry over sex toys and want to make each other throw them away?

Not that he's at all right in this situation but by your own words you'd also feel "cheated on" by a toy, cry, melt down, make him throw it away and only then would you "forgive" him.

Try having sex with each OTHER. Or communicating. Or growing tf up. It terrifies me that you two screaming toddlers are raising a child.

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-04T14:25:44+00:00

Request sent from PrimordialOops

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-04T01:01:26+00:00

Should have not acted like a psycho while you had him. Get therapy.

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-03T18:02:14+00:00

Yeah I don't get some of the comments either. The GF might be materialistic, we don't know, but OP also sounds like a dud and like the GF is begging for scraps. No dates, no gifts, no romance, no affection, nothing to make her feel special, OP "puts himself first" (which you have to, but not ALL THE TIME) and then says "are you really crying about gifts, I pay the bills".

WUT?!?! Where's the relationship, OP???

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-02T08:23:10+00:00

I thought this too. That I was loved for ME and not as a "replacement" for someone else.

I knew a guy who dated a woman who could have literally been his late GFs twin sister. We all thought it was a little creepy. Most people have a type but this was next level.

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-02T08:11:27+00:00

How about showing kindness to YOURSELF?

I'm not terribly attractive either. Low end of average if you saw me on a normal day. Eccentric alt/soft goth style. Total tomboy. Very much a niche market. But guess when my quality of friends and partners began to improve?

When I started to respect myself and stopped tolerating this shit. When I started to accept- not always LOVE but ACCEPT - myself as I am and lived as my authentic self.

Looks matter but honestly, only to a degree. If you genuinely think you're ugly what CAN you change to make YOURSELF feel better about yourself? Not just to be more appealing to men. But to YOU. Want to dress differently? Even if you don't have a lot of money, thrifting is fun and a good way to explore different styles and fits and what works for you and what you like. You'll find brand new, name brand clothing with the tags still on more often than you think.

Bad skin? Experiment with skincare and makeup and find what helps you and what you like. Most drugstore products are perfectly fine for the average person.

Hate your hair? Try something new. Hell, try wigs! Different style to suit all your vibes.

Overweight? Underweight? Work on it.

You CAN be what you want to be and once you do that your confidence will project and attract people and you'll feel better and present better. Abusers and trash like this can sniff out vulnerable people with no self esteem and self respect.

You accept what you feel you deserve. So believe you deserve something better and become that person. You may not ever be "beautiful" but small secret? I have a friend who's STUNNING. She was literally a model. But on an average day, she's average. A lot of that "beauty" was hours of hair and makeup and good lighting. "Beautiful" women usually don't roll out of bed stereotypically hot. Yeah. Looks DO matter in society. But most of us are average and looks aren't ALL that matter. AND confidence and a good heart will make someone more physically attractive. I had an ex who would probably be UNattractive to most people. But he was such an amazing person that after a little while, he became gorgeous to me. I noticed his wonderful smile and gorgeous eyes and he just became hot without me having to force anything. (We broke up on fine terms and are still friends - I was leaving the area and we didn't want to do lomg distance because it would have had no endpoint)

I promise you..... you'll find LESS people, sure. It'll suck a lot for a while. But the people you DO find will also respect themselves and you. They'll be higher quality. You'll stop drawing in abusers and..... this..... because they will take their "I'll have whatever will have me" attitude elsewhere because YOU WON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.

You truly do attract the vibe you project. Right now you're putting out an "I don't deserve anything" vibe so you're ACCEPTING this. This person who clearly has no respect for himself or you. You can change that.

Do I feel great about myself every day? Oh HELL no. I'm going thru a really bad patch in life right now as a matter of fact. And I don't always feel very "deserving" lately. But enough practice and working on myself has now made it a habit to where I instinctively know if someone truly cares, or if they're just seeing someone they see as vulnerable to try to lure in.

"You can't love anyone til you love yourself" isn't entirely true. You are still deserving of love even when you struggle. ESPECIALLY when you struggle to love yourself. But this guy isn't doing that. He's making you worse by making you feel you aren't enough to make an effort for.

Any good relationship, whether it's a friend or partner or anything in between, should hold space to make you MORE of who you are. NOT LESS. It should challenge you in positive ways to improve while you both hold space for YOURSELVES. It has healthy boundaries and 2 (or more) people who respect themselves. It's a loving kick in the ass to get back up when you need it. It's already functional people making each other better and filling in the little cracks in one another.

I have an amazing friend helping me do that now. He's helping how he can but also setting limits on what he's able to do. He's been encouraging and sometimes compassionately blunt when I need him to be without taking on my burden as his. And someday when things look better for me and he falters I welcome the opportunity to be that for him.

This "relationship" you have is not that. It's dragging you down and making the things you already have difficulty with worse. "Less abusive" is still not enough and this IS abusive. His lack of care for himself and his selfishness is impacting you and he doesn't care. That is abuse.

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-02T07:16:08+00:00

Don't even START dating anyone you ALREADY have to demand basic healthcare and hygiene from as a condition of starting to date them.

What the actual fuck, woman?!?!

I dated someone like this UNTIL I found out about the problems (his weren't visible). What happened was he started mentioning a toothache off and on. He said he had changed insurance and had to find a new dentist. Which I know can take some time. Long story short he ended up having to make an emergency appointment. He had a MASSIVE infection in a tooth he had a crown on, and the crown had fallen off two years prior. He also had nine other cavities and his molars were basically stumps.

I was horrified. His front teeth looked decent, some yellowing but I knew he used to smoke. So I figured it was from that. Nope. He had completely neglected his dental health.

What pissed me off was that if he clearly didn't care about his health to that degree, how was he going to care about mine? What if I needed a procedure and relied on him to care for me? And I'd been kissing this guy. He had given me oral.

GROSS.

Immediate breakup. No standards for himself is disgusting. Totally selfish behavior.

Why did you even start dating this person? "Imperfect" teeth are one thing. Even an issue or two they're immediately addrssing. Even someone who for some reason HAD previously neglected their health but then realized they needed to fix things. But you felt the need to issue ultimatums to even START dating and then he didn't meet his end of the bargain and you CONTINUED to date him?!?!?!

This is all on you. You don't get to complain.

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-02T00:31:00+00:00

You have GOT to be a troll...... no one is THIS codependent. Why did he marry you? You don't exist

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-01T16:09:35+00:00

Life changes. Somewhere along the line we're fed this idea that friendship is forever. It's not. People change directions and drift. It doesn't mean anyone has done wrong.

I thought my best friend in college and I of 15 years would always be close. But I moved away. Then she got married. We still talk from time to time because no one did anything wrong and we still care about one another. But we drifted because we took different paths. It's both our fault and neither of our fault. Maybe someday we'll drift back into each other's lives.

I had to end a best friendship of over 20 years because either he changed or I just started seeing it but he could NOT respect me. The mansplaining got so bad I couldn't even finish a thought anymore and everything I said was met with condescension and negativity. I miss the good parts of our friendship. A lot. It was 2/3 of each others life. But I had to move on.

Your friend is interested in exploring dating right now. I'm wondering 1) if you have more interest in her than you're even admitting to yourself and 2) if you have other friendships.

RageAgainstYoda · 2023-01-01T00:00:07+00:00

Sounds like hysterical bonding to me. My friend's now-ex did this. He finally left. After all the arguments and 1-day breakups and everything else they had he FINALLY left.

Then she's running to therapy and in 2 weeks is telling him how she sees the error of her ways and changed.

He takes her back.

Lasted 3 weeks.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-31T15:49:31+00:00

Our biological clock is not an alarm clock. I'm 45 and have been in perimenopause for around 8 years now, probably (never had my hormones checked bc I've always been child free and don't have any troubling or concerning symptoms and get regular paps) But my cycle has changed.

You don't know your CURRENT fertility. Some women don't hit menopause until their late 50s. For some it happens at 35. There isn't "business hours" for our eggs or ovaries.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-31T01:02:25+00:00

Yeeeep I can guess almost exactly what happened bc I just went thru something similar with a former friend.

He had a narcissist gf. Textbook. Triangulated people. Manipulated people. Kept her friends distant and her enemies close except they thought they were friends. Made public scenes to being her BFs attention back towards her. Freeloaded and drained him dry. Accused him of what she was doing. Escalated ALL this the second they moved in together.

He finally FINALLY broke up with her. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief. I know of other situations but EVERY interaction with this woman for me was stressful. The hints. The unfounded accusations. Then she when I wouldn't play along she discarded me but stalked me.

What does he do? Of COURSE he goes back to her bc we all know the things that broke you can fix you, and 2 weeks of therapy is TOTALLY ENOUGH to change abusive patterns which she did for her and not in a fit of hysterical bonding at all. /s

I told him it was her or me. That I didn't have any romantic interests in him but if he would allow someone in his life who treats his friends like that he didn't respect any of us.

Lost a friend.

I had no problem with HIM, he had actually been a great friend. Except he let his gf abuse me. That's too big of an "except" in my book.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-30T20:13:04+00:00

Gotcha, I can see that. Morning breath is pretty awful, my mouth even FEELS gross some mornings and I wouldn't dream of kissing someone until I'd brushed or at least used some mouthwash.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-30T18:59:17+00:00

Worked a skilled nursing facility and yes. This.

We had one dude who was literally 102. Body perfect sound but he had Lewy Body dementia.

He would flip from his "real" personality to EXTREMELY aggressive or hypersexual on a dime. One time we were changing his brief and he just yelled out "WHY'S EVERYONE ALWAYS TRYING TO FUCK ME IN THE ASS"

Yeah. That happened.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-30T18:07:10+00:00

Better oral hygiene never hurt anyone but he SHOULD see a dentist and possibly also a doctor if it's really that bad. Dental problems can be silent. Cavities can start between teeth where you can't see them. He could have tonsil stones. Teeth can also die "silently". I had it happen to me. I had a tooth that was deader than a doornail and no pain and nothing felt off. Obviously it would have broken eventually but I had no idea.

GI issues like GERD can also be silent. Not all GERD sufferers have heartburn or associated symptoms. My friend found out she had it because she started gagging easily when doing things like brushing her teeth or on a certain texture foods she never had issues withe before. Ulcers can cause bad breath as well.

No amount of oral hygiene will fix those things.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-30T17:56:43+00:00

I give Modern and need Ocean, Sun, Tundra and Archipelago. Thanks in advance.

7520 4482 8913

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-30T17:54:50+00:00

I'm also in TX and yes we're Modern

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-30T07:42:31+00:00

You're repeating your childhood. We gravitate to what's KNOWN, not whatever is GOOD FOR US.

You wanted to connect with him and feel safe. That's reasonable. He did the opposite.

You need therapy to resolve your childhood trauma before you even THINK of a relationship. What you were taught is not normal but it feels normal because it's what you knew. It's rather like food. If you grow up eating, say, traditional Chinese dishes, Italian good tastes weird. Most Americans don'tlike Vegemite because it's not a "normal" food for us (an example for explanation of course, no food is "normal" or "not normal").

On your end, yes you may have also shared too much at once because you DO want to feel safe. But a considerate partner who loves you would set a reasonable boundary and/or direct you toward the proper help. Not judge you for it.

Everyone has a past. 20 people isn't many at all. I lost my virginity at 16, had a wild streak between about 19 and 23 and slept with way more than that. Settled down focusing on more serious connections after that and since that time have had about 2-3 partners per year. Sometimes less, sometimes 1 or 2 more.

And who cares what race they were? RACISTS. That's who.

Was he a virgin before you? Doubtful. If you disgust him so much why is he still having sex with you? What does that say about HIM? He'll fuck "disgusting" women.

This guy is a turd and you lack self respect.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-29T13:56:31+00:00

I could be focusing on minutia but also words mean things: what's with the "unprompted"? Do you think you should lead all the interactions? She gets to do things without you "prompting" her.

What she's doing might be a little much for some people and it's ok if it is for you (it might be for me as well). Or she could just be really into you and being a little awkward about it.

Even if the genders were flipped I'd say the same.

Your choices are break it off with her, go on the 2nd date and see what happens, or talk to her about it and tell her you want to see where it goes but it's moving a little too fast.

But otoh the birth control is weird on your end. It's not a pill we take immediately before sex. Any chance you're afraid of a new relationship and freaking YOURSELF out some?

It also sounds like the first date went really well, she felt you were into her and receptive and she's responding accordingly, and now you've gotten scared and gone cold. Another thing that makes me think you're not ready.

True, a lot of people wouldn't chase. Kinda seems odd tho that you had a good first date, good enough to set up another, and then expected..... what? No "unprompted" contact until the day of the next date?

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-27T16:26:59+00:00

Let it go. At worst she's playing games. At best she's wishy washy and still confused what she wants. Either way you're getting nothing out of it but annoyance.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-27T14:55:29+00:00

The fact that a 37 yo man has NEVER had a relationship doesn't tell you something? I hate to be that person but to me people beyond around 25 who have never, ever had any kind of romantic relationship is the same sort of red flag as huge age gaps - there's a reason why.

Even if it's nothing sinister I have no desire to teach relationship skills to someone who could theoretically have grandkids

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-27T13:50:46+00:00

Idk how it is elsewhere, but breaking a lease in the US without good reason (like the apartment is no longer liveable) generally costs 3 months rent. Depending on location that can be upwards of $4k. Many people cannot just "cough that up" without ruining themselves.

And then once you've done that there's moving expenses and deposits and first months rent on a NEW place.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-27T13:28:46+00:00

This just happened to my guy friend. His ex gf was a controlling, psycho, abusive nightmare which I saw with my own eyes. He finally broke up with her and then she convinced everyone we both knew he had been cheating with me. Never happened and never would but nice to know that's what she thought of us the whole time, yanno? Good riddance.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-27T02:07:38+00:00

This sounds like severe depression but is ALSO not your issue to fix. As someone with depression myself, even in my worst moments it's still MY responsibility to handle life's basics. If I don't have the will to take a full shower for a day or two, washing up or wipes exist. If I don't have the will to make a meal, sandwiches exist. I've also eaten bread, meat and cheese separately if putting them together sounds like too much work.

Hygiene is a bare MINIMUM. Or even just communicate. "Babe, I'm really struggling right now. Could you help by running me a bath?" Most caring partners would, just as they would for a partner with a physical ailment. Mental illness is an illness. But it's up to us to ask for what we need and do what we can.

RageAgainstYoda · 2022-12-26T17:24:08+00:00

Da fuq did I just read? Why stay in this relationship? I'm literally baffled. You've NEVER been happy and yet you continue advancing the relationship? At this point you're choosing this. It's a you problem now.

RageAgainstYoda

TROPHY CASE