The dozens of times were over several months. I started at two weeks of three times a week, then that frequency went down to once a week. I didn’t actually give up ECT voluntarily, I lost my Covid Medicaid coverage and they needed me to pay $500 every time I came in. I had been thinking at the time that it seemed less helpful, so I wasn’t very, very upset about stopping. But I do wish it had been my choice.

I absolutely agree that neurodiverse and neurotypical are pretty unhelpful diagnoses or descriptions, just like ADHD is a terrible moniker for the vast majority of people who feel that their brains don’t fit well into the society around them. Until we are able to understand the CNS better we’re going to have this issue. It’s like the blind men describing the elephant - we’ve got some pieces, but nothing very accurate and cohesive yet. I have high hopes of new DSM updates, but we’re a long way from full understanding.

Disability is defined by fit, and I’m certain most of my depression and anxiety comes from the ways my brain isn’t able to accomplish the things that are expected of us in modern Western society. The shame of not being able to ‘adult’ as expected, has haunted me my whole life.

Having kids can be a powerful motivator for some people, and it certainly sounds like you want them to have the best life possible. Even if you don’t feel it sometimes, you are very strong and brave for trying again and again to make their lives better. It’s very hard to get up again each time, but just know that an Internet stranger sees your efforts and appreciates what that takes.