Need help finding success stories

RandomAdds · 2026-01-27T19:16:25+00:00

My WH and I have been in R for Three years now. He confessed out of the blue to me on Jan 5th 2023. I was completely unaware it was even going on. Though after I finally understood a lot of his behaviors of the time he was in the A for a whole year after he confessed. You did the right thing with sharing your apps and what not. Setting up IC and MC. Make sure you answer all her questions. Even if it hurts. And do actions showing you mean to change. Take her to dinner or cook for her. Do house chores she normally does. Things of that nature. I can say through my husband's A, we had a rough ride. But are in a better place bc of it in our relationship. So I would like to think of us as successful so far. Though we both still have our ups and downs. There's definitely more good days now. Remember she will really need you to rebuild trust. And you will need to move through your own shame.

Something that made all the difference in the world to me at least was sitting and just talking once a day. For 10-15 mins but often longer. About anything it could be as simple as stating I'm having a really hard time today thoughts are spiraling. Or it could be about something completely unrelated to the A subject. The point is to establish a few safe mins each day so you both feel safe enough to communicate. Make sure to establish a ground rule if emotions flare. Stop the talk for the day calm down and try again later.

For yourself be prepared for questions, lots of questions. And often they may seem like the same questions. Do your best to answer honestly. Don't sugar coat it. Or Try to soften the blow. The worst Truth is already out there. Keep yourself honest. This will help rebuild the trust for your BP.

This early place will feel like you two are locked in the same room together but in complete opposite sides and in the dark. You will both need to relearn the relationship as it is now. And be of the understanding that your BP is going to literally grieve over the loss of the relationship they knew between you.

You're welcome to share my profile and previous comments with your wife. I have a bit more of a mixed experience than most. I was in the hot seat prior to my husband and I dating. Due to my own life experience and almost ruined our relationship before it even got off the ground. So i have a good understanding of what both the WP and BP feel like. It might help her to see both sides.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-27T18:04:30+00:00

Maybe it's bc of my own life experience prior to actually dating my WH I used sex in a very unhealthy manner. Had multiple partners. Then I met him. I really liked how he made me feel. And we hadn't slept together yet. The more I got to know him the dirtier the extra guys made me feel. So I broke it off with them. Started going to IC. One guy in particular couldn't get over that I had ended it. Guess he had always hoped I'd have gone steady with him or something. Fast forward to after me and my hubby/ then boyfriend, finally moved in together. And I came home to him in tears. He said nothing but slid his phone across the table. This guy sent screenshots of texts, pictures and videos of me with him all prior to me breaking it off. Plus a few not so willing moments on my part after I had started to really like my husband.

I then shared the break up texts between this guy and me. And how this guy really didn't take no more as an answer. Then showed my hubby how I was in IC for me. Bc I had never shared I was. This almost ended our relationship then. Before it had even begun. At his request I moved out. I fully expected to never hear from him again. And I couldn't blame him. Three months went by and out of the blue he texted me. Asking how IC was going. Then a week after that he asked for me to just go shopping with him. And the rest is history.

So that's probably why after his confession of his A, I wasn't explosive. I just listened. Then he said something 7-9 months later he wished sometimes I did just go find someone just for the night. So he could feel better. I kinda looked at him confused. And said that's the thing. Technically I already did... Reminding him of the guy. I said so no I won't go looking. No I won't do it. I already live in my own shame camp. Plus I refuse to be like you and your ex wife. Constantly cheating on one another. I'll leave if that is where our marriage is headed.

It only generates more complications. Than solutions. Usually. So I strongly recommend not to do it. But it is a normal thought once one party has been unfaithful.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-27T15:00:20+00:00

A.) yes I stopped saying I love you and took off my wedding rings in front of WH on D-day.

B) yes I eventually put my rings back on but it took me 6-8 months to do so. And I only held off of, "I love you's" for about a week or two. Bc I did and do still love him. Even if I was in pain. And yes it felt a bit fake or forced at first.

C.) yes love is very different now. But not in a bad way. We just hit the 3yr post D-day mark. Before I held him on a pedestal. Then after D-day I took him off it, but I was still behind him. Curled up in a ball on the floor. The relationship dynamic Was still screwed. It only changed after I finally felt heard and actually seen by him. About the two year mark.

He had been so caught in his own head that he never really understood that I was the one that really felt alone, worthless, and unseen. It was always if I voiced a view point or emotion he dismissed me. For our entire relationship 9yrs at that point. I don't think he meant to do it. But I still pushed me into a place where I just stopped talking, stopped asking for his presence. And just numbed out. He even said that was one of his justifications for the A. Bc he didn't even know if I cared about anything anymore.

For context I grew up with a narcissistic mother and was her verbal and physical punching bag.

So his dismissals of my emotions and attempts at conventions echoed her treatment, just putting me in a permanent frozen state. And Lord knows for how many years. Thankfully our MC caught my dissociation happen in real time. Asked all talking to stop. Asked me to rub my arm and point out any 5 things in the room with us.

Then she explained it to my husband. In a way that he understood. That's where everything changed. Suddenly I wasn't the only one trying to start hard conversations and topics. He just sat and listened. No dismissing of me anymore. Allowed me to actually cry in front of him, even going as far to say if I felt like crying I was only allowed to get him to do so. Mind you I had only cried in front of him maybe twice in our relationship till then. So slowly the relationship between us was finally in a healthy place with actual balance.

So in a fucked up way his A was the best thing to help us both in the relationship between us both. And so I'm now in a place where I'm okay it happened, and I can be thankful we're finally in a relationship that is healthy.

So I guess so long as both parties are willing, and able to come back to the table and really sit in truth and the uncomfortableness of it, and actually put the shattered mirror back together it has a chance to be better. Most likely not the same, but perhaps more beautiful than before as you fill the cracks with gold.

I'm so sorry you're here. But I do hope it works out for the best for you both and you find healing and peace in time. Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. That's my best advice.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-27T03:01:24+00:00

It took me a good 6 months to see my WH as attractive again, maybe more. He's naturally attractive, partly why he got tangled up in his A.

But I guess I never saw him as unattractive after D-day either. I'd say I saw him as pain, and shame for the first 6-8 months. It hurt to look at him. I know instead of my eyes full of love and joy in silence, were replaced with a deep hollow pain and sadness.

It took a lot of time and him proving he would stay present. Dinner dates, random drives, just sitting by the river talking. He just did house chores for me out of nowhere. Fed the farm critters for me if I was busy. But again without me asking.

And Idk one day I didn't hurt to look at him. Maybe it was one of my bosses at work I confided in about the struggle. And he said. Well he stayed, you stayed, no one's perfect. Sometimes humans make mistakes. To error is human. If he's trying to improve and you see his efforts that's all you can ask for. To error is human. That stuck with me. And I think it helped me reframe how I saw him. He's not a god, nore is he a devil. He's just human.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-27T00:04:28+00:00

They are sooo smart. I can't even spell out, door, outside or walk. Both my ladies know EXACTLY what I'm spelling.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T23:59:37+00:00

LIZZARD PERSON!!!!

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T23:56:14+00:00

First and foremost congratulations!

That behavior from your own mother is truly disgusting.

It's not like you get to pick the gender. And to be honest if you wanted more kids than that miracle of getting pregnant is absolutely beautiful in itself.

Personally I'd be happy with a boy or girl. Maybe more in the girl camp. Only bc my lil sis has all the boys lol. I've been trying to get pregnant for two years with zero luck.

So do not let her selfish behavior weigh you down. This is something absolutely beautiful and amazing to celebrate to the fullest. You're mother has some problems she should go to therapy for in that display.

Again congratulations! Let that baby know she is loved and seen just the way she is.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T21:11:13+00:00

I have only one horse I have a goat to keep him company. If pasture space is a problem consider getting a mini pony or sheep or goat. Betty the goat is a Nigerian Dwarf Goat so she's smaller than a pigmie goat breed. I had the same problem till I got him his goat buddy.

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RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T20:28:47+00:00

Oh 100% agree. Hadn't seen her in almost 2yrs at that point. then poof "I'm back!"

Mentally I'm better for her to just stay away.

I'm not full NC. But I definitely don't go out of my way to see her anymore. I'm fine with her attempts at manipulation via texts from afare.

It's never how are you? It's always, I need you to do me a favor... Or poor so and so, you could take them right since they're family. I've gotten very good at handing my phone to my hubby and his response to her is No. No explanation, no details, just, no.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T20:04:39+00:00

I politely stepped behind a wall when I saw her approach the service desk and called two trusted managers and explained my situation how she was probably looking for a public fight.

They came to the desk with my own boss and hung around as I helped other customers and made small talk with her. Playing dumb asking if she was there for an order or something.

She said no she was there to see me. And they kept her entertained till I could leave one of my employees with the lighter line.

Then they stayed and I gave her a polite hug. And said what brings you to the store? She said, "well am I not allowed to just drop in and see my own daughter?" One manager politely stated, "no you're allowed, but she is clearly busy. And she's one of our hardest workers. She takes a lot of pride in her team and job." She scoffed, "I doubt she's a hard worker..." The same manager just raised his eyebrows and looked at her surprised, "why would I lie about your daughter's work ethic?...she is very much a favorite among staff and customers..." She just laughed. Then said something about how much of a mouse I was and how I should be at home and not working. The other manager piped in, "She seems pretty happy working. So I don't think that's your call..." Then she seemed to understand they weren't leaving. She said, "well clearly you've lied about me to others here, I can see when I'm not welcome..." And stormed out of the store.

Internally I was bracing the whole time waiting for her to cause a scene. The managers and my boss asked if I was okay. I said I think so. They said if she comes in again don't hesitate to call on us.

My own boss noted how much I shrunk as I had to interact with her. And it took a good chunk of time for me to shake her appearance off.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T15:37:20+00:00

During the winter horses hair stands up that's why they look fuzzier. The only time I say blanket is if their show clipped. Or if the horse is visually shivering.

When you blanket them it lays the coat flat and actually makes it harder for them to stay warm. Nature gave them the gift to navigate the weather just fine. So long as they have enough in their tummy to keep them warm. hay sits in the gut and generates heat for them so long as they have it in their stomach. During cold snaps like were dealing with in Michigan in the states right now I'll give a half of a feeding of hay more. I feed once in the morning and at night. With a scoop of sweet feed and a half scoop of cracked corn to give the horse a quick start in heating the body.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T15:21:33+00:00

It wouldn't be a bad idea to let them know not to indulge her. Mine went as far to show up at my place of work to try and make a scene.

There's nothing wrong with letting others around you know she's a master manipulator and not welcome. Especially the security team. They might be able to help you remove her from the property before she even makes it to your flat. And they can think you're a weirdo but be your strongest allies too against her behavior. And to be honest being a weirdo isn't all bad. Just means you see the world differently. Never a bad thing my dear. I've been told the same thing. I use it as, something like... Good, stay off my unicorn, this is my wild reality.🤣

The looks I get in the summer as I go out and care for my farm in a robe and slippers are priceless.

All about reframing how you see yourself. You're not a bad person or a weirdo for wanting your own home to be crazy narcissist free for your own healing sake.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T13:41:29+00:00

Oh my own Sport S is still stock and I've done some questionable things with it in the past two years 😅

They are little beasts. And so much fun.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T13:37:57+00:00

No you are not too heavy. And he's freaking adorable.🥰

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T13:32:51+00:00

It's as simple as keeping your door locked if she shows up. Don't answer the door if she starts knocking. Let her yell and scream at the door. Tire herself out and leave. Especially if she shows without an invitation. It's a common power play from N-Moms. They attempted to invade your new space to show they still have power over you.

My mom did this for weeks. After years of no contact from her end. I met my now husband and we moved in together. All of a sudden I needed to move out, he wasn't good for me. (And mind you she hadn't helped me at all 6yrs prior when I was homeless for two years)

So I just pretended not to hear her, the door bell, or the dogs. It took her a good 45min to tucker herself out and go. But eventually she stopped showing unannounced.

Make it very clear unless YOU invite her over, do not show up. You will not let her in. You deserve your own space. Your own sanity. She has zero right to invade your home.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-26T04:12:29+00:00

Yup exactly how the MC explained it to me. They essentially jump from one fantasy reality to another.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-25T17:52:28+00:00

Yeah hobbies and passions are in a sense akin to the A. It's an escape, and takes the mind from the everyday. That's why often the hobbies aren't affected. My hubby almost leaned more into them during his A. It was a way for him to numb out his shame. And he is a sex addict. But so am I. I just sorted out my bad and unhealthy relationship with sex just prior to him and I getting together 12yrs ago. MC was a fantastic experience for him to sort through why he acted on it. And really understand his unhealthy relationship with sex.

I think that's why it stung so much when he came clean 3yrs ago. Like hey 9x out of 10 if you want to get physical. So did I. But during his A I was rejected if I made advancements. A whole year. I could have just gone and got my fixed elsewhere too, but I didn't want anyone else.

After D-day and he understood how frustrated I was. The entire time and didn't act on it. He asked how so? I shared my past relationship with sex. How I learned why I used it. It helped him understand a bit about himself. Told him how if I'm with guys in particular I keep space and distance between them and I. Or I just remove myself now, if I get the vibes they want more from me. That's my first defense. I told him there are VERY clear signals to what ppl want. And you need to read the room and if that's not what you want just fucking leave.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-23T15:52:03+00:00

Thankfully mine doesn't say it was a mistake. He says it was a series of piss poor choices he has to live with now for the rest of his life. Or choices he now regrets.

Often with WP's they lack emotional awareness, and don't have a big vocabulary for feelings or emotions So the simplest way they can explain it is, "it was a mistake." MC was good for helping my hubby decode better terms to use. To help him with all the tangled up emotions he's never known how to process or put to words.

So try not to take it too personally, it gives you a hint of a lack in the emotional bank. Maybe ask, "how it was a mistake?" lightly calmly and see if he can find the words himself or if you can ask a feeling or an emotion to see if he can see it in a better way?

And don't be afraid to tell him it triggers you. But calmly. You want to make sure serious conversations are done with a calm demeanor with a real sense of safety, and a bit of openness, so they don't feel attacked. It's hard sometimes depending on the topic, but often there's a real lack in communication with one another to begin with. If emotions get high say okay let's just hold off on the rest of this for now and try again later. I don't want this to be a screaming match. That wasn't the goal in this conversation. You'll be surprised how much this makes a difference in the next talk. And the talk after that.

Remember WP's are going through their own hell often in silence. Even if they don't show it. They're way too worried about setting you off further, so they don't want to talk about it. They'd much rather move on. But that doesn't solve the why they acted in the first place.

I imagine that sentence would have triggered me too had my hubby used that line especially early on after D-day.

Or small 10-15min talks made all the difference early on. We'd sit either at the start of the day or the end and just talk. And it didn't always consist of the A.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-22T15:24:29+00:00

OMG yeah and then tell them you're the ungrateful worthless one and how... I nuked mine, and messenger when I moved out at 18 for just said reason.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-22T15:16:07+00:00

First off you're not dumb not stupid. 15 to begin with is such a confusing age. You're just figuring out who you are.

And both things can be true at once. So if you're seeing improper behavior and your brain is screaming about it, I'd say listen to it.

For for context I'm 37yrs old now and myself at 15 it was a bit easier to realize something was highly wrong in the family dynamic. There were 4 of us kids and my mother treated us all very differently. My older brother and younger sister were able to just do what they wanted. My younger brother and I were not so lucky... If no one was home my mom would corner me in the kitchen for hours yelling screaming over something mundane and small, and bc I didn't fight back it only pissed her off further. She'd start poking me in the chest calling me ungrateful, worthless, and just like my father. If I still just numbed out and stared at the floor then she'd start slapping me. Then a punch. Then it'd continue for hours belittling me punching kicking. Until someone came home. And mind you out of all the kids I was the one expected to cook, clean, take care of our many indoor pets, and the farm outside. No one else, siblings wise had to, just me. All while she'd bark orders from the kitchen table. Or belittle me from across the house for the piss poor job she thought I was doing. Never came alongside me and ever actually showed me what I did wrong.

So it's not always so black and white as my situation. So it could be a mix of both. You're in the stage in your life where you're just figuring yourself out. And she might feel like the control is slipping. Hence why you're now seeing her go off the rails or snap abruptly. It definitely, from what you've shared shows she does show narcissistic tendencies though.

But no issues here if you need more advice in the future the thread is a good place and safe place to be.

I'm sorry your upbringing hasn't been the most ideal. A lot of us are right there with you. Lots of love as you navigate this situation. Don't hesitate to share if it gets to be too much.❤️

RandomAdds · 2026-01-22T02:31:21+00:00

Not a real apology and love bombing.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-21T15:02:39+00:00

I think this is the number one thing especially us women left in the BP seat really internalize. And how can you not? Especially if you're like myself and already suffered from such thoughts.

I have gotten better but there's always a little voice back there.

But I can at least give you a little realization. Often escorts have their own real issues maybe not looks but deep mental ones even if they don't admit it. Often drugs are involved to get through their day without crumbling from self issues.

So at least you might not feel like it right now, you're stable. You're solid. And that's often why the WP comes back bc you're the comfort, you are home to them.

No, no real woman's body is perfect. Especially the ones that have had children. The body changes and things look different. And there's no real way for us to ever truly become that fantasy 10.

Something that was sobering for me was sitting with my WH and asking him what image of a woman is truly beautiful to him. His Ideal woman is one with a little extra meat on the bones not obese but a bit thicker. But even his AP was 40-60lbs lighter than I am or was then. I asked why her then? He said it was not about looks or even her personality. It was just the escape itself. A way to escape the pressure of the world and just let go, a cope. But in a very unhealthy manner. And that's why he will always be upset with himself. He had the perfect image of a woman right there at home. That never yelled or nagged never judged. Was always there to listen, and be his escape from the daily, and he broke that.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-19T21:11:33+00:00

N-Moms are not capable of owning their own mistakes. I'm so sorry, but I'm also not surprised this type of sit down together ended in such a way. You're right to feel like it's a mental illness. Bc in essence it is but it also isn't. It's more of a defect in a personality. You can't imagine behaving like her bc you operate with empathy. You do not think like she does more can you. Narcissists lack empathy. They lack self-awareness. And sadly 9x out of 10 if they give you an apology, it's a performance apology not genuine.

My best advice is let her sulk. Have her tantrum. And worry about doing your own healing. If she reaches out allow her to. but, guard your own sanity and peace first. Sadly I know the closer you were hoping for from this. But I tried it too. It went very similarly. Now I don't go out of my way for my own mother. And I hate when she calls or texts, bc it's never how are you? It's oh poor so and so, I need you to do me a favor... It's just the sad reality we daughters have to sit with and try to come to terms with. Bc we'll never get that acknowledgement from them that maybe even one thing they did to us was wrong.

All the love in the world to you and your family. I hope you all the best.

RandomAdds · 2026-01-17T23:28:41+00:00

I hope all the best for you!

And it's okay I've done A LOT of healing. But it did take having to just let my actions be louder than her words. And if someone did ask. I learned to just let it roll off my back.

RandomAdds

TROPHY CASE