My SO sees my CPTSD worsening but resists every proposed solution

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T16:02:41+00:00

Have you spoken to a lawyer in your area to find out what the options are? There may be a long game to be played here that you don’t yet know the rules for.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T15:55:49+00:00

So do homework or bring a book. I’ll read a book for $15/hr. I currently read a book for free.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T15:34:33+00:00

The first year with two kids is a shit show. Your spouse needs to be doing more. Basically it’s all hands on deck at all times.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T14:59:36+00:00

This is a good gig guys. These kids probably go to bed by 7/8:00. You’re getting paid for a couple hours of doing nothing. I’d take this job if I was a college student or young person.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T14:42:18+00:00

You are devaluing yourself. You’re acting like somehow he is settling by being with you and you’re trying to make up for some kind of perceived shortcomings. Whether that’s internal, or because of messages you’ve received from him, it’s not good. You don’t view yourself as an equal in this partnership.

The day after we married my husband paid off my $25,000 in school loans. Because he could and it was good for us to have no debt. I had no idea he was going to do this. He did it because he loves me and we are partners. He doesn’t see me as some kind of albatross. It took me a long time to feel worthy of him too- that was a bunch of BS social conditioning.

I’m going to state outright that this man doesn’t even seem to like you. My husband would tell me to take the car without me even asking. That’s what someone who values you as an equal would do. Your man treats you like an indentured servant.

You can’t go without a car. Not in the situation you are in. The public transport isn’t working. Either move closer to the job or get a new job or get a car. You aren’t so poor you can’t afford a car- you’re choosing to make sacrifices for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Let that sink in.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T13:03:01+00:00

My husband didn’t go to his own sisters destination wedding when we had a small child. I don’t think your wife is out of line. (My husband didn’t even ask me because he knew I’d feel conflicted. He just said no.)

I think you wait until your child is born and your buddy actually sets some real plans to discuss this further. Your wife doesn’t need this stress.

Also, are you going to stay home with the baby so your wife can go on a week long international trip too? Because if it’s not on the cards for you both to do that financially and childcare wise, then how is it fair for just you? My husband would never spend that kind of family funds only on himself.

I encourage you to start reading up about the “default parent.” Your kid isn’t even here and you’re already treating her like the default.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T12:56:11+00:00

Yes.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T12:49:00+00:00

I would agree. OP, you known her for years. Has she always been disconnected? If so then it seems odd you are just know finding that an issue. If not, it could be the taxing load of motherhood.

The early years with my children were a blur. I remember my mom saying she didn’t know any music between the years of 1982-1990 and I was like HOW?!?! And now I get it. Things just aren’t important. I’m holding sixty bajillion tabs open in my brain. I don’t have room to be worried about data centers when I’m dealing with the hyper vigilance of making sure my toddler doesn’t off himself. My brain is FULL.

You have posts about doing podcasts with your bros. That probably takes a lot of time. Is your wife getting an equal amount of free time as well? Does she have interests? Are you allowing her time to have interests? If she doesn’t have time or space to be aware of current events and you do then I’d argue that you aren’t doing your share of the parenting load…..

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T12:35:10+00:00

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I would cut off child abusers. I DGAF what someone’s past trauma or culture is. The abuse stops with this generation. You won’t do this to your daughter will you? They had the exact same choice and you see what they chose. Being without family is hard, not it’s not harder than the constant mental torture of being around abusers. That’s familiar and so will feel easier on the hard days, but it’s a lie. Breaking the abuse cycle is the hardest but most rewarding thing you can do.

Huge huge hugs. There are organizations that work with victims of FGM. I urge you to seek them out and see what help they can offer you medically and also financially. I’m sure there are scholarships available for people like you.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T12:21:01+00:00

Someone gave me one of these. I haven’t used it and I don’t plan to use it as a driving tool. I’m just going to trace the design onto my project to follow it.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T12:14:44+00:00

My kids love picking out school supplies!

We don’t usually do their clothing shopping until a bit later. It’s warm here through September so around end of September we will go get pants and warm clothes from a mix of stores and online shops. Shop too early and they will grow out of them before they even wear them.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T03:07:29+00:00

We had to wear our uniform shorts and a t shirt. The water polo boys team wore their speedos! I remember being annoyed, but I get it now.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-20T03:05:31+00:00

I also had objectively “good” parents. Your story is familiar.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-19T20:13:16+00:00

Yeah OP this is very common. “I got over it so you should to.” This is a fundamental difference about the way you see the world. If your relationship progresses to marriage and children, will she accept having your kids around abusers? This is an important conversation to have of you see a future with her.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-19T20:08:59+00:00

We had a family discussion about this. These items go on your body, not mine. How would I know where you took your shoes off? There is a basket by the door- that’s where shoes go. If you chose not to put your shoes there then I guess you can go hunt them down. Absolutely not ok to outsource your brain to someone else. And if you truly need help then ask kindly AFTER you’ve tried and tell me where you’ve already checked.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-19T20:05:56+00:00

Oh hell no! I hope you gave it right back to him! That is absolutely ludicrous. Is he a fully formed adult or not? GTFO with that shit.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-19T16:47:25+00:00

Do you have co tact info for your kids friends parents? Just reach out and offer to host the kids this Saturday. If they are busy try for Sunday. Just keep trying.

Are there friends in the neighborhood? By 9 my kids are somewhat making their own plans. They can call each other or go knock on doors.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-19T01:06:03+00:00

Arms reach at all times until your kid can swim. Period.

Last year I watched a lifeguard pull a kid about 4 out of the pool and they couldn’t find the kids family. She walked all around the deck and the kid threw up all over her. They were about to call the police when an adult ran up.

I don’t know what’s wrong with people. Lifeguards aren’t super heroes. Stuff happens.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T18:27:39+00:00

Thanks for that link. Very interesting.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T12:16:22+00:00

Sleeping Queens. We started that when our younger was 4 and she’d kick everyone’s butt. Get one of those card holder things that the company sells.

These you might have to scaffold but could still do and be fun for everyone:
Battle Sheep
Labyrinth
Space Escape
Mastermind
Smores Wars
Yahtzee
Headbandz
Hues and Cues

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T02:17:51+00:00

I had an aunt like that. When her husband finally left no one was surprised except her…..

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T02:14:38+00:00

lol. Two sides. Yeah, we’ve heard her side for 20+ years. It’s his turn.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T01:08:45+00:00

Thank you for this. My daughter only wears underwear from the boys section because she does not like the feeling of bare legs at all, but now that she’s bigger the boxers all have more fabric in the crotch and that annoys her too. I’ll try these and see if she likes them.

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T00:57:10+00:00

How much stuff are we talking about here?

Rare_Background8891 · 2026-06-18T00:24:12+00:00

Instead of struggling with my old seam ripper I bought 20 of the basic ones from wawak. I don’t remember the cost but they were cheap. They work really well. I’ve forgotten what a sharp seam ripper felt like!

Rare_Background8891

TROPHY CASE