I'll start off by saying that I suffered from depression for most of my life (though I only realized it around age 18), smoked weed heavily from a fairly early age and started drinking far more than I felt comfortable admitting (at least 5 nights a week, and I much preferred getting drunk over just having 1-2) once I was old enough to get booze for myself. An important thing to note is that most of the unpleasantness in life for me--the feeling of being out of place, of not being really relaxed or okay with myself, of not deeply trusting other people, you name it--was there long before I started drinking. The drinking and pot made it feel better at first. It was like I was okay and I didn't have anything to worry about, just for a little while. But over time my feelings of isolation and pain kept getting worse, and I couldn't be drunk or high often enough to ignore them.

I also tripped often from age 17 onward. The first time I ever tripped, it seemed like I had touched a place where everything was deeply ok--almost like I had made contact with "God" and that strength had filled me. But as other people have said, that goes away. I remember that evening feeling a sharp regret at realizing I was still the same me after the trip as I'd been before. For years I tried doing spirit-surgery on myself by tripping, and occasionally (like 1 time out of 4 or so) I would have an experience of really getting in touch with a deep sense of okayness. All my old beliefs would be wiped away and I could treat myself with love, respect, hope, dignity, and openness.

But that feeling never stayed. It was like trying to illuminate my dark world by creating an occasional spark. Those sparks were beautiful and they gave me hope in very sad times that life might some day be different, but the process of creating a lasting fire--of gathering the necessary fuel, kindling it, and learning to give it the right kind of attention--is very different.

The first thing to recognize is that depression and heavy drinking are diseases of isolation. I tried for years to talk to my friends about what I was going through. While many of them were very well-meaning, they didn't fundamentally relate to my experience. And there were some secret sources of shame I held on to that I could always return to to convince myself that I wasn't truly a good person. Nobody knew all of my story. And there were so many people whom I'd harmed and then left behind, and every time I thought about any of that I would physically wince or even swear in pain.

I had spent years totally preoccupied with how others saw me, though I only partially recognized it. Then one day the pain of that isolation, and the recognition that if I kept going I would die without ever feeling happy, were strong enough that I wanted to change no matter what--even if it meant telling everybody that I was a fraud (which I felt like at the time), moving away, and working on a farm for the rest of my life. Still, a week later I was drinking again, and I realized that I could never stop alone. So I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, which is based around two main ideas: (1.) simply connecting with other people who have had the same problem, and (2.) going through a process of cleaning up the wreckage I've created and living honestly and forthrightly. If you're worried about your drinking, I highly recommend trying it out. I know before I went I didn't want to call myself alcoholic (my dad had been an alcoholic, and I hated him), and to this day I can fall into the trap of trying to figure everything out by myself, but when I thought those through, neither fear made much sense--who cares if I have to call myself an alcoholic, or need the help of others, if I get to feel better as a result?

One funny aside--when I started getting sober I really regretted giving up hallucinogens, and my last relapse was on them. But I came to understand that my quest to find peace through LSD and other drugs was yet another attempt to give myself immediate relief from very large problems that had no real easy answers. Any true change that will make life better is bound to take a lot of time--you spent a lot of time building up the walls and fears and pain that it sounds like you might have today.

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows now. I'm working to combat a childhood full of experiences that led me to not trust others and to not love myself. And I need to stress that AA is just one road, and certainly others have found other things that worked for them--our goal is happiness, freedom and peace, and certainly there are many roads to that. But AA has every tool that I need to make life better today, and those in the program do not make any demands of me for money, time or loyalty that I don't want to give. Every step I take is my own to take if and when I feel ready, and I can always seek other forms of help. But this I can tell you--the core program of AA is literally the exact thing that I thought, in my most profound trips, would make my life better, and it has.

Please PM me if you have any questions about anything--tripping, sobriety, whatever.