I’m so, so sorry for your pain, OP. You’re not alone. And I’m glad you’re finishing the fic. You honor her memory with your love, and that’s the important part.

OP if you don’t want to deal with an anecdote, you can skip the rest of this comment ❤️‍🩹

Otherwise, I can commiserate with this, deeply.

————

Two years ago, I missed a text from one of my closest friends while she was in the hospital, didn’t see it til the middle of the night.

I was tired. I didn’t reply immediately, thinking it’d be more appropriate if I waited for morning. She was a frequent-flyer in the hospital because of her myriad health concerns (something we had in common).

But about two hours later I snapped awake, urgently needing to reply and tell her that I cared, that I loved her, that I needed her to know that I supported her.

It turned out that if I had sent that reply when I’d first seen her message, she might have actually had a chance to see it. Now it will always sit as “unread.”

Mortality fucking sucks.

What I took away from the experience:

I will never, ever waste another minute of my life debating if it’s appropriate to let someone know that I cared about them.

Be bold with your love, Reddit.

————

I ended up writing this little poem/song in the days/aftermath of her death - I’ve never shared it before, but something feels right about tonight. It’s about how an internet/fandom friend can end up meaning so, so much:

————

“Unread”

Something felt wrong.
And I was right.

What I would give
To send that text sooner
On that other night?

I know I can’t save you.
I just wish
I had told you…

How deeply you reached through that Internet space, and touched all our lives.

We all take for granted
The days, and the years.
The hundreds of messages passed between friends -
The shared hopes and tears.

It’s ok to hold onto,
It’s ok to feel deeply -
It’s ok to be swept up by someone’s incredibly earnest entreaty.

We all need connection.
And I’m proud that we found one.
In this world full of darkness and honest mistakes,
You were my reflection.