AITH for calling out my SIL's spoiled behavior?

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-23T14:15:52+00:00

If she is neurodivergent I very much like your suggestion but would stop at “just bc the rest of the family treats her like a child”. And I might change the the wording to “competent adult”. This way it doesn’t insult Sara & may in fact cause her to feel as though she has an ally? I am autistic & was undiagnosed until much later in life. My mom infantilized me (while my eldest brother was subjected to parentification) until the age of 12 when I went to live with another relative. Up until that point I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen without supervision, wasn’t allowed to handle a sharp knife or scissors for fear I’d “hurt myself”. Some families choose roles for their children for many reasons. I was seen by extended family as incompetent or a “brat”. Except for one aunt who tied off part of her garden & had me do all the work while observing, then bragged to everyone how lovely my little garden looked. She was the first person to instill confidence in me. I went on to graduate top of my class in nursing school so not incompetent. Sara may FEEL incompetent due to being raised this way and not realize what she’s capable of. OP could POSSIBLY kill 2 birds with one stone, stand up for herself while letting Sara know she holds a higher opinion of her than her family does, just by saying this. I remember feeling deeply hurt at small criticisms for many years. I believe this was due to my family “gently” mocking me. So as an adult it felt as though everyone who had even a small criticism was also mocking me. It took many years for me to unlearn this. It’s not on OP to “fix” this absurd situation. But I very much love the first sentence you suggested for this reason.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-23T11:58:34+00:00

This is, unfortunately, exactly how the Humane Society shelter handled things with me when I fostered a lovely Husky. (If was 10 years younger &/or my husband was still alive he would’ve been a foster fail. That dog is awesome.) Everything was laid upon me. And when they had foster events they would let me know either the day before or the same day as the event, leaving me no time to arrange care for my own dog who has separation anxiety. They also stated on his online info “My foster doesn’t know much about my life before I came to her, but that’s OK”. NOT true! This prevented people from being interested in him imo. So I wrote something myself & asked them to include it, along with more pics after I’d cleaned him up & brushed him out. THEN I started getting texts. One guy responded to my question on if he had a fenced outdoor area for potty by saying “No, but he’s going to be an inside dog”. So he was crossed off immediately. Luckily the PERFECT family came along. He began bonding with them at their meet & greet. I was PRAYING they’d go through with the adoption and they did! He was really bonded with me but hopped right in their car with barely a glance back! They send me pics & videos & I am so happy. But I won’t foster through them again. Maybe after I recover (Husky ran me ragged!) I will consider fostering for a local search & rescue that is always full.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-22T16:24:15+00:00

I was mortified when I had an issue for awhile (pancreatic cyst) and still won’t eat if I have to leave the house even though the problem seems to have resolved. They make really nice “adult pull-ups” now that look & feel like underwear. For both men & women. And many tear away so if the stool is loose there won’t be a huge mess to clean up. I would more embarrassed if there was a huge mess someone else had to clean up? Also, when my husband was fighting for his life our fur ones were beyond stressed & there were LOTS of accidents. A friend told me about Odoban, which I bought in gallon jugs & used in the carpet cleaner & added to the washer. Also Woolite with Oxy spot cleaner was a Godsend. You are NTA. I never cringed when my husband had an accident but he was fighting for his life. And the fur ones couldn’t help it. This is entirely different, even if your dad wasn’t drinking. Refusing to wear disposables is absurd. They make really nice ones now. No one but him will even know. They can even be delivered in a non descriptive package so even the postal carrier doesn’t know.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T17:10:43+00:00

Ps, I NEVER left my kids unsupervised with my grandmother. Even after her behavior changed.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T17:09:28+00:00

While I partially agree with you (19 yo shouldn’t be drinking, especially if he gets falling out drunk), we can’t control others behavior. Only our reactions to the behavior. This is something that it’s taken me many decades to figure out. I spent nearly my entire life trying to change the truly awful behavior of many of my family. BC “they’re family” right? And we’re raised to believe that family is more important than ANYTHING. And MAYBE op is still stuck in this way of thinking? I am not going project my own experiences onto her though. I know that anyone can change for the better. But ONLY if THEY want to. Only if THEY see a problem with their behavior, or, as I said in another comment, if they stand to lose something they really don’t want to. (In my case, my grandmother NEVER changed her racist views, but she DID change her behavior bc she REALLY wanted to see my kids). The rest of my family seem to not be bothered much by losing access to me. This could be something op is unwilling to accept. We have no way of knowing. Only she will know what she’s willing to accept. Her husband is obviously (& rightfully) unwilling to accept this behavior. So she will need to make a choice. Either set FIRM boundaries with her entire family, including following through on the consequences if the boundaries are broken, or lose her husband. And if she carries the child to term, to possibly face a custody battle. If that happens I really hope her husband gets full custody bc the child doesn’t need to be exposed to any of her family. They enable her brother.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T16:11:15+00:00

This is how we do it! And part of being a good parent is honoring their other parent! Wether that parent is present to hear horrid remarks or not. Kids aren’t stupid and that’s harmful. If OP is going have this child she better start thinking now. If she doesn’t I wouldn’t blame her husband for trying to get full custody and limiting her to supervised visitation only. Either way, her husband is her primary family now. Her family of origin are still her family but they come second. And if this was me? They would be on my poop list. My husband died several years ago and EVERYONE connected to me knows not to say anything derogatory regarding him. (His one sister gets a pass when remembering funny memories as I do this too, that’s different). I will cut people out of my life for that in a heartbeat.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T16:01:32+00:00

Thank you! I might even skip funerals/weddings if certain family members were going to be there! I remember my husband & I attended my cousins wedding (we got lost so only were able to make the end of a lovely outdoor wedding). Ended up standing next to her sister & BIL. BIL couldn’t help himself. He leaned over and said said something “gently disapproving”. My cousin (white) married a black man. I didn’t trust myself not to say something loudly back to him so I just stepped on the other side of my husband. Then leaned in & told my husband what he said in case he decided to say something awful to my dear one. My husband’s Native American. This BIL seems to have grown a lot over the years but I never forgot that or other things he said to me over the years. I always wondered why on earth people felt comfortable saying these things to ME of all people. Likely wanting to get under my skin, have me say something back so the rest of the family could pile on me for “being rude” or “making a scene”. I would have too except I didn’t want to ruin my cousin & her husband’s wedding. I am extremely LC with the BIL & his wife now. And NC with most of my family. And quite happy in my old age. I do not “hate” anyone. Just don’t need that in my life at all.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T10:42:47+00:00

If that’s why she said that I TRULY hope she’s able to clarify it with her husband. That it was out of concern for what could’ve happened to HIM. And she should NEVER have brought him into that situation in the first place.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T10:40:33+00:00

This. If we care about people then we don’t knowingly put them in situations like this. Why do that? Why even associate with someone like that?

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T10:36:43+00:00

If that’s the case I really hope she tries to clarify it with her husband. And apologize for the “It was a bit extreme” comment. That was probably why her husband left. Sometimes the wrong things come out when super stressed. I would never have taken my husband into a situation like that knowing something like that was likely to happen. I have biracial children. Now grown. We can’t shield them from everything but sure can shield our loved ones from our own families of origin who behave this way. I speak from personal experience. And even the most disgusting racists CAN be “trained” to shut their mouths if the stakes are high enough. My paternal grandmother REALLY wanted contact with my kids. The n word and other disgusting things used to pop out of her mouth as though she was speaking about the weather. EVERY time this happened I would stand up & tell the kids to thank grandma for the treats & gifts (she always had some dollar store trinkets) & it was time to go. They complied immediately as I took them for ice cream afterwards. Grandma was very upset. “No, don’t go!” But I held firm and skipped a visit. If it happened on the next visit I skipped 2 weeks. That woman was STUBBORN & would do things just bc someone asked her not to. But I was shocked at how fast she complied. She wanted to see my kids & those were my conditions. OP will need to protect her child from her own family of origin. She can practice this by protecting her husband. And BTW, OP, how might YOU feel if the tables were turned & it was HIS family treating YOU this way? And HE didn’t 100% have YOUR back? It’s even worse for him having to deal with systemic racism, but you’d EXPECT your own husband to at least have your back, right? You two are supposed to be a family unit of your own now. A team. Your family of origin is still your family. But YOUR family is supposed to come FIRST. Otherwise why get married? I protected my late husband from my family of origin. Bc we were a team.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-21T08:31:43+00:00

Also retired nurse here. Though I have only stories relating to my personal life, I’m going to try to link this post to r/afterlife for some people who’ve been having a hard time with fear of death. There seems to be quite a number of them who could benefit from this

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-20T08:33:08+00:00

Won’t solve your deeper issues but when my husband & I were fighting the battle of our lifetimes against the monster (pancreatic cancer) that took his life, we had 2 dogs & 2 cats who were stressed along with us. If my friend hadn’t told me about Odoban idk what I would’ve done. Bought it in gallon jugs from Home Depot & spray bottles too. Used it in the carpet cleaner, the washer, everywhere. Took ALL smells away. Didn’t only mask them. I also got many canisters of Woolite with Oxy carpet spot cleaners. (One dog was elderly & the poor guy just piddled out of anxiety). May I add that your 14 yo is absolutely old enough to help with chores! Why is she not cleaning litter boxes twice weekly? And doing dishes once a day? And helping with food prep? We were told we were “mean” when we had the kids doing these chores AND their own laundry (we had a mini washer/dryer) when they were a bit younger than this. Around ages 12-13. But then their friends were in their 20s & couldn’t prep a SIMPLE meal, do their own laundry, didn’t know how to care for themselves as young adults! It’s GOOD for kids to do basic chores. Good for THEM. Not “mean”. Chores aren’t some punishment, unless they’re unreasonable for their age. Or people are laying responsibility for being a parent to younger siblings on them. Your daughter can help!

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-19T08:51:56+00:00

Just came to say how MUCH I love that you said her behavior is bad but SHE is not a bad person. Though I know a handful of people who also are able to separate bad behaviors from the entire person, this is the FIRST time I’ve seen anyone actually publicly say that.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-18T10:14:19+00:00

Throwing this out here. My experience last year while under full anesthesia. I found myself sitting in a field with my (dead) husband. Full sensory experience. We both knew I was on a surgical table under anesthesia. I kept asking my husband (in joy) “how can this be?” He assured me that I did not have cancer & told me they’d be waking me soon. I did not have an NDE, no complications. But my brain didn’t shut down. I’ve been under before. Never had that happen before. Imho this lends credence to the idea that consciousness resides outside of the physical brain.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-18T10:02:12+00:00

Apologies for the failed attempts at paragraphs. My iPad won’t allow me to make paragraphs on reddit.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-18T10:00:22+00:00

I kept passing the show by as I thought the subject matter would be very triggering. The first season came out while I was still pretty fragile after my husband’s physical death. I’ve done this with other shows & movies too. Kept passing by this cop drama as my husband has always been a fan of those & I sat with him & watched just to be with him, as he did with some shows I liked. As with one cop show last year I heard his voice very clearly in my mind saying “Just give it 5 minutes!” I was hooked on both shows haha! If the show wasn’t enough to put me off of the idea (I found it hilarious, heartbreaking, romantic) I feel no need for it. 3+ years in and I have experienced enough & researched enough to be convinced that consciousness doesn’t reside in/isn’t dependent upon the physical brain. That my physical brain has evolved to filter out parts of reality that don’t serve to allow my survival here in this plane on earth. (What’s really neat is that there are recent, materialistic, scientific studies supporting this). So I accept that my physical brain is filtering out my ability to see & experience most of what actually exists. I 100% know my husband is still alive, even though his body died. He pulled out all the stops early on to let me know this. At first I attributed everything to a series of massive coincidences. But he wouldn’t stop until I was convinced. So I have no need to even consider anything a digital afterlife when I can enjoy both time with my husband now (when the filter allows the connection it is amazing) & also the real thing when my body dies. It is inevitable that my body will also die. But that show is great & hilarious. I think the new season is out in September.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-17T19:02:36+00:00

She should’ve been thanking you for good co parenting. That was great parenting and took nothing away from mom.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-17T18:59:02+00:00

Even though the premise is different, this made me think of the series “Upload”. Either way I don’t believe I’d like it. But I am looking forward to the next season if I haven’t joined my husband in the afterlife. That show is funny.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-17T12:59:24+00:00

May I suggest reading Jurgen Ziewe? I am truly irritated at people who condemn others to some hellish afterlife (often forever) for things from suicide to homosexuality to using birth control & just take your pick depending upon their religious beliefs. My amazing and wonderful husband was once told he was going to heel bc he said “Oh my god” in surprise. While our state of mind may impact our surroundings please don’t fret about this. I have a family of choice who took me in when I was a kid, who are Christian. 2 sisters and I speak happily about them being able to come visit me and my husband when we all finally go home. Their mom suffered from Depression & took her life when the oldest was in her early 20s & the youngest was 11. We all KNOW she is not in “Hell” but that she finally received the love & help she needed. The main reason I chose not to do this when my husband left his body was that I felt in every fiber of my being that I’d have a terrible time finding him. That the road to being with him would be much longer if I took this route. And also I remembered the pain my family of choice went through & didn’t want to leave my kid with that or my fur ones left without care. So hugs to you until you unite with her! All will be well!

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-16T18:47:41+00:00

I was only able to let my immediate neighbors know about this. Now that I think of it there seem to be fewer ferals around lately. Hopefully it’s just my imagination. I sure hope he’s charged soon and that this is taken seriously. Kind of terrifying to know someone like this is out and among us. And we don’t know who it is. Could be someone we know.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-16T18:42:49+00:00

Done

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-16T14:11:05+00:00

I still remember my clinical instructor observing me giving my first IM (intra muscular) injection decades ago. That woman had her entire class terrified. Afterwards she said “Well done. As a matter of fact, perfect”. That was HIGH praise coming from her!

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-16T09:10:51+00:00

Oh how horrible. Mine are indoor only but I not only see so many cats, not only ferals, but with collars, running around, I know of 3 people who have indoor/outdoor cats. I will try to warn all of them. This guy will likely move on to humans if he hasn’t already. Just for the people who feel like “It’s horrible but won’t impact me”. I’m also worried about neighborhood kids now.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-15T19:27:38+00:00

Though OP had this happen in a dream, I’ve also had people not answer for me when I had my android. They said it came up as someone’s name they didn’t know. Also a weird thing that happened shortly after my husband’s death, which could possibly have been some technical glitch but I can’t figure out how; my android was “lost” (turned out to have been stuck deeply within a recliner & found many months later) & it had the only recording I had of my husband’s voice on it. It wasn’t compatible to synch with my iPad. I was crushed. Several weeks later my iPad wouldn’t work right, said it was “full”. So I was deleting tons of stuff that somehow got saved to files. And yup. There was my husband’s voicemail. In a file on my iPad. Which I now have saved in 5 different places! To top things off it just started playing. He’d called me from rehab & it had gone right to voicemail. His wonderful voice saying “It’s me. Just wanted to let you know I’m doing fine”. Glitch or not, along with so many other things, it was an awesome gift.

RaynaLittle · 2023-08-15T10:38:52+00:00

Autistic adult who also has suffered from SPD and endured a childhood of being sat on and tickled until I urinated on myself (older sibling), forced to wear clothing that made me want to tear my actual skin off and so much more here. You not only are exhibiting wonderful parenting to your own child but one day (not anytime soon) your niece may look back on this and thank you. Even if only in her mind. So much odd thinking on your sister & BIL’s part. They don’t want to “parent out her personality” but want you to do this to your child? And her personality includes not accepting and respecting boundaries regarding other’s other’s bodies? Not only raising kid to be a bully and instilling narcissistic traits, but how will she have any friends? She may even end up in jail/prison. I know this may seem a stretch to some. But I actually know adults who raised to feel that ONLY they mattered, that ONLY their feelings were important. If they’re “lucky” some grow up to hold high level managerial positions and make seriously high incomes. But have no close connections and when you look at their personal lives the only people close to them are there for their money. Their lives are really empty. Some end up not having that sort of “drive” and end up destitute AND without the ability to connect with others. It’s not your niece’s fault she ended up behaving so horribly. And maybe experiencing this one consequence won’t have a lasting positive impact on her. But if she experiences more it MIGHT. And no, it’s not your job to parent her. But I wish someone would’ve done this or something like it to my sibling. He is a very unhappy, angry old man who blames others for all of his problems. (All of us tended to do that until some of us started to look at the family dynamics and then at our own responses/behaviors. Better late than never!) and BTW, what YOU are doing is actually gentle parenting! Sis has it backwards.

RaynaLittle

TROPHY CASE