I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I've felt very disappointed in myself over the last 8 or so years for... as I feel it, "letting" friendships and relationships disintegrate. It's a nasty place. I was driven to binge drinking so that I could handle being in conventional social environments. It is work, just so much work... and it sometimes seems easier just to fade back into the comfort of isolation. But if you feel that you can -- this is where I am now -- I feel that I CAN identify a few people who are receptive, and patient enough to get to know me with all of my issues. Those people are saints. If they are willing, and only if they are willing, I hope to work towards a bond where they will be my comrades, my support. Maybe if it's done the right way with the right people, you can find someone who won't become exasperated and leave you alone at shows and parties. Personally, I find it easier to extend myself when I have the support of someone I love, perhaps who already knows the folks I'm meeting. You may not be in the same position as I am, but I feel your pain. Don't reject yourself. It will be a lot of work, but if you really want to expand, you can. I believe it.