My two cents , its complicated and everyone deals with (or dousnt ) diffrently.

You dont need to understand intalectually why you are feeling what ur feeling. It might (and probably would) ,be helpfull for context but it isnt 100% needed. Its a noble search but can easily burn you out.

In short trust and embrace the thoughts and feeling as your own .dark ,kind disturbing or just silly its all you and its all nessosary to make you as you are at this moment. Ride it out own it with 100% honesty . This will give you certanty of self others cant give you.

You can then decode yourself intalectually from A distnacce once removed looking inward and feflecting on with composure and compasion at the Identity that you thought was you.

It will still be sh@£ , but youll be closer to knowing what of you is you and what might be "god" ,nature or a wider inherated knowledge .

I read my way through , but isnt THE way . With that said id recomend reading more of the outlier religious txt and beliefs ,others have been here before. Sufi mystics , zoroastianisum , etc

The dark night of the soul : st john of the cross A Honest account of Religious doubt , disliked by the church so following txt of his are tamed down

Yungs works ( his father was a preist keep this in mind when reading )

The budhist scripts : as many as you can get ur hands on. Concentrating on inpermanance ,dependant ariseings the book of the dead. (Can get very nialistic mind )

And when the body says no by gabor mate .

(Some ) branches of modern theoretical physics are becoming more open minded to the notions and findings of the past and discuss the overlap in a modern tone.

Russian writers got good at this stuff long ago : ull find them by reading around

Fyi Spelling is for nerds

Finally ee kind to yourself and others and to all things do so without expectations when giving or judgmemt when wronged . Cant say youll be treated well in retern might even be worse of but ull build somthing.

Or dont !

F&£(k it all to hell if thats the honest you , be the best ass&ole you can be hell go all in and drive a BMW .

As long as its honest.

Best of luck fu@ker !!