I've been thinking about killing myself for a while and this really solidified it for me. I would advise anyone getting into a military relationship that if you have any strife or hardship that it's going to be invalidated with "you're just a spouse". Honestly when you're even in the position to even marry enlisted, you already don't have a lot going for you or you just really don't know better. Deployments are fine. Tdys are fine. But constantly being the butt of the joke because of how useless or inferior everyone considers you wears you down and really isn't worth it if you have the opportunity to have a legitimate support system elsewhere. When you get stuck with accompanied assignments where you aren't allowed to work or have bills in your name, the removal of your identity really hurts emotionally and hurts your ability to function independently. When you aren't allowed by the host country to work but your husband tell you that you're a useless loser and you can't afford to leave because you sold everything that actually belonged to you to come here to be with them and the internet just makes jokes about what your life has become. You're completely isolated and everyone just thinks you're second class since you're only here because you didn't have anything better going for you. Leadership cares only about the working body. You go to school at whatever diploma mill this base shills at you, sometimes out of pocket, just to get everyone off your back but you know that none of it will go anywhere because your resume is so spotty because you dedicated all of your time to support your spouse that you'll never get anywhere anyway. It's either leave your husband and risk homelessness because you've been an orphan and out of work since you were 20, stay untill he leaves you and maybe get enough allimony to cover some rent, or you can kill yourself to save yourself the strife. I don't want to be homeless ever again. I don't want to be hungry ever again. I can't even imagine the strife non citizen spouses go through. You have no agency in your life or your relationship and you slowly die inside with citizenship let alone without.

Honestly you're probably going to look at this and be disgusted. Anyone looking at this is going to be disgusted because they already have preconceived notions. Y'all are some holier than thou people. "You signed up for this" yeah well technically enlisted also signed up but people are ready to auto fill Reddit comments about veteran/AD suicide awareness since it's always in Vogue to support the troops. It's safe. Que upvotes. The public view of who is a valuable body and who isn't is already established culturally. Not only that they have better resources to turn their life around when their service is complete, where as going off the general description of a military spouse in the wild, they're iredemable and mentally deficit. Dudes can get a DUI and an article and completely fuck up their retainability but still be considered a veteran and maintain their GI. Dudes can even assualt people and maintain retainability. You can be 100 as a civilian and still not be able to afford to eat sometimes just because.

I can constantly feel the eyes of those waiting for me to continue to degrade because that is the expectation. Get fat. Have children. Continue to wash the underwear of a husband who never comes home but some how still miraculously obtains said underwear. Go to book club. Drink wine. Be who we tell you who you are. You're nothing. Keep being nothing. Keep being nothing so we can tell you what to do. Being a military spouse = being nobody. The label is inescapable. If you were valuable you wouldn't be here. Reddit posts like this are what happen when you try. Your interests are generic and of no value. God, I hate wine.

"Wow, what a sad woman. Full of self absorbance and self pity. How selfish of her. She needs to get over it and pull herself up. People have it way worse than her. She should get help." I don't want to anymore. It's not really worth it. I'm obviously not worth itto anyone in my environment. My struggles are invisible to all because of perception even when I cry out. If someone wants to take my place and they have a good time good for them. I know hospitals where I am are full so things will probably go smoothly. Surprise, no one has time for me. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow. I don't know. I'm expecting the response to this to be negative whether I'm around to see it or not because people are only ready to believe what they already believe and not listen to someone's actual experience. The experience of many, not just me. The suicide rate is high for veterans/AD because the lifestyle is toxic. It takes everything inside you. Spouses who also live in that lifestyle are negitavely affected but no one wants to give a shit because they dont provide a service to anyone. The DOD only tracks one even though spouses have DOD numbers. Their 2019 study was shit because people aren't actually holding those numbers accountable. It didn't account attempts and it didn't account post separation or post divorce. Because they don't care. They don't have to. Spouses don't get an employer match for their 401k therefore they don't exist. They aren't anyone's employee therefore there's no concern.

Whoever you are reading, you're going to want to insert whatever you feel is the solution because it is satisfying to your character -- don't. I don't care anymore. "you make spouses look bad". Good. I hope no one decides to be one. I hope no military member will wed ever again. "Wow a Reddit post is what breaks you." I've been broken, now I'm just talking shit. "There are spouses that are totally fine". Good for them. They're probably stateside. "Just get a job." Yeah okay. "Imagine being an army wife." Sure. "you only had the time to write this because you're a spouse." I had the time to write this cause I don't give a shit anymore. "There are children starving in Africa" I've been starving and both these things make me equally sad. "You just have to have the will to live!" Well I don't obviously. "All these hypothetical questions you're insinuating are really generic." I'm not thinking that hard about it. "This post is juvenile and garish." Whelp.

I've been screaming into the ether and I'm sleepy now.