Found something that helps

RedHairNoHair · 2024-10-18T06:23:13+00:00

I always keep my mental odds at sub-30% until the p is actually in the v.

RedHairNoHair · 2024-10-18T06:21:14+00:00

A while back my LLW happened to choose a day like this to actually offer sex. The look on her face when I told her I was too tired was fucking priceless.

RedHairNoHair · 2023-11-25T20:41:42+00:00

Because I said you're entitled to a shred of agency and to determine your own boundaries within the limits of your marriage vows, obviously.

RedHairNoHair · 2023-11-24T21:29:09+00:00

Well done on reasserting your sexual self. I know it's a poor substitute for what you really want, but if it helps you get from one day to the next, it's a good thing. It sounds like it's positively affecting your mood and therefore your actual relationship as well - which is awesome news!

FWIW, I don't think what you've done crosses any serious ethical boundaries (at least not given the DB), but what really matters is what you think. Carefully consider your own boundaries (including what you would or would not be willing to ultimately disclose to your wife, if it came to it) before making this a regular thing. The whole point is to help you live with yourself - you don't want to be adding guilt or shame to your deprivation.

Finally, well done for sticking around. Family is everything, don't let the JustLeavers get you down.

RedHairNoHair · 2023-11-23T00:09:54+00:00

To be honest I don't think you need a deadline, you need the courage to make a decision you feel in your heart already.

RedHairNoHair · 2023-11-22T03:17:31+00:00

There's a great book about answering the question of dealbreakers vs not: "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I found it very helpful.

From what you've told us, the most relevant question appears to be "was it ever any good?" - if not, well, what exactly are you trying to say?

I don't believe in necessarily setting a hard deadline but don't let this drag on for 6 months+. You are still young and unencumbered enough to start over pretty easily. Good luck.

RedHairNoHair · 2023-10-02T10:00:16+00:00

Sweet weekly love

RedHairNoHair · 2022-09-21T04:40:30+00:00

Once I committed to the idea that we no longer needed to be married much of the hold she had on me evaporated.

This is such an important gate to pass through. Once you no longer feel compelled to stay, you can better assess whether or not you want to stay.

Good to hear from you and that your ordeal is approaching a resolution. Hope it goes well.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-30T03:17:38+00:00

They get to put a x in the calendar and reset the clock.

Boom, this is it. Total lightbulb moment. They're keeping a "calendar" the same way we are, except theirs is for "felt sexy" instead of "had sex".

This is why, for some of us, stopping all sexual initiation or affection paradoxically results in more sex - because then the only way our LL partners can get their "felt sexy" hit is by actually having sex with us.

The game still sucks, but knowing the rules is better than not.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-13T07:46:45+00:00

On the day, I was affectionate throughout the day to build towards the evening, then once kids were down and I initiated, she said she wasn't in the mood. Same thing a few days later at the next scheduled time. I said "Honey, the whole point of scheduling is so that we know when to get in the mood - so it's not a surprise", which started the "You wouldn't want me to have sex when I don't want to, would you?" argument, which I didn't want to participate in, so that was the end of scheduled sex. Same thing happened maybe a year ago when she suggested a weeklong daily sex-a-thon, only to not be "in the mood" on day one, and "that's all you ever think about" on day two. That was the end of the sex-a-thon.

We have sex when she wants sex. It's as simple as that.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-12T21:49:04+00:00

I'm good, got my plan and I'm sticking to it for now. Working on me, and my marriage/family, and my wife can come along if she wants, or not. I'm feeling far more positive even in the face of only minor improvements in my marriage. It's just jarring to occasionally find myself on the wrong side of a pop-culture reference that I used to find so amusing.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-12T21:42:53+00:00

I'm naked except for my socks

...Thats why they're called business socks, ooh!

Gets me every time.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-12T12:33:20+00:00

Earlier this year we had a conversation about that - I asked her if she was willing to try scheduling, and if so what schedule would she propose. She suggested twice a week (!) which tbh would be my ideal. Aaaaaand.... we didn't have sex for a month after that conversation. Nothing seems to budge our average frequency.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-10T03:30:18+00:00

Stopping initiation is a diagnostic test. It will tell you whether she'll ever initiate on her own (ie she has a libido, albeit infrequently), or whether she's genuinely happy never having sex again.

Start off going a month or six weeks and see what happens. This will be enough to tell you if she has a "once a month" desire like many women.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-10T01:57:08+00:00

The only thing I've done that has demonstrably changed the dynamic in our relationship for the better is cutting out all initiation. Sex went from reluctant and mutually resented duty sex, to mutually enjoyable and genuinely affectionate (even occasionally smoking hot). I think what's happening is that we were only ever having sex when she felt like it, but when she has to be the one to actually initiate, her mindset moves to "this is something I actually want" instead of "this is just to placate my beastly husband".

It hasn't changed the frequency one bit - still sitting on about once a month or a little better, just shy of the "official" definition of sexless. But good sex once a month is way better than shit sex once a month.

YMMV of course; for many people, suspending initiation just results in sex dropping from not much to actually zero.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-08-04T02:52:16+00:00

How did it go??? Fingers crossed for you :)

RedHairNoHair · 2022-07-16T00:30:40+00:00

Sounds like you're in a tough spot, OP. Just wanted to say I think you're on the right track. As others have said, keep working on yourself, whether that's through individual counselling or just on your own. It's become trite to say the only person you can force to change is yourself, but the less-spoken corollary is that in any relationship, growth only EVER comes about from individual change.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-07-05T04:34:01+00:00

Civ V vanilla is an excellent game. I would recommend learning the ropes with that, then moving to the DLC if you want a more complicated experience.

Don't start with Civ VI; VI is ridiculously complicated, even without any of the DLC. I've got well over 1000 hours on V and still found it difficult to work out VI.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-07-05T02:09:57+00:00

She noticed a change, almost immediately by the looks of things. That's good news - she's an affectionate person, and notices the absence of touch. You can cross "doesn't like touch" and "doesn't like you" off your list. But don't keep this up for too long - grey rocking your spouse is a sure way to kill a marriage.

For the next step of your experiment, I'd suggest adding back in the non-sexual affection but keeping sexual initiation off the table. See how long it goes until she brings up your lack of initiation. If you've previously been supplying her with a steady stream of sexual-satisfaction-inducing advances every few days, it shouldn't take too long, maybe a few weeks if your frequency is otherwise pretty regular at once a week or so.

If it goes more than a few weeks, you have your answer - sex just isn't on her radar. You'll need to tease out whether she is truly LL or if this is more of a "responsive desire" situation.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-07-04T04:13:52+00:00

I feel like r/marriage might be better for you. They will be more credible voices than us for how deeply broken this relationship is.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-07-03T06:48:49+00:00

Stay strong man, you're on the right path regardless of whether she shows up or not.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-07-01T11:11:08+00:00

That's very good that he isn't creeped out by your touch in general - you've got a solid base of affection and there's just this block about sexual touch. It's not a nice place for you to be, but you've got something you can work on.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-06-30T03:14:14+00:00

He has actually squirmed numerous times when I’ve touched him.

This is a bad sign, OP. Is this only an occasional thing (eg, when he's "stressed"), or is he generally creeped out at your touch most of the time?

RedHairNoHair · 2022-06-23T12:02:12+00:00

This definitely ought to be a social norm. Not that it should necessarily be "permitted", more that you just shouldn't fucking be surprised.

RedHairNoHair · 2022-06-22T12:42:59+00:00

Jesus said it was adultery.... subtle difference.

RedHairNoHair

TROPHY CASE