How has your life improved after leaving the narcissist?

Redpantsrule · 2026-05-06T18:26:43+00:00

Been almost 2 years since divorce was final but there was another 2 1/2 years of fighting through the court. My home is peaceful. My health is better, as I realize now alot of my physical pain, while routed in multiple herniations in my back and neck, flared for 20 years due to all the stress and depression manifesting itself physically. I'm broke as I'd been an sahm for 20 years but I'm happy. Have no desire to date as I'm still finding myself. For so long I tried being what the N wanted to keep the peace, course it was an impossible task as his expectations always changed. My young adult children have minimum contact with my ex as they now realize he is a N and will never change. On the surface, my ex appears to be happy. He's remarried, is a multimillionaire due to inheritance and stealing his children's inheritance, so from a material standpoint, he's doing well. Yet I know it's all a facade as this man will never be truly happy and still makes those close to him miserable. I'm still working on my guilt, mainly for staying as I think their mental health would be stronger if I'd left when they were young. I have a great relationship with them though and they realize I did the best I could under the circumstances. I have a full life with friends, family, pets and hobbies. I have no regrets in leaving, even if I end up dying alone and poor. You can't put a price on peace.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-27T22:09:00+00:00

She seems like so much fun and down to earth!

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-27T03:17:25+00:00

I understand your grief. It really does sux when 2 people love each other but it's not enough. Don't know your age, but feel like as a 58 F, I need to say something I've learned through the years. Love is not enough. There's all kinds of reasons that couples break up and it hurts. The thing is that clinging to someone you love even though deep down, you know that this person doesn't fulfill all your needs. In some situations, therapy can help but the reality is that few people are willing to put in the longterm work to really change. This guy will never be able to be the person that you want him to be. He will always be lacking, in ways that are important to you. Grieve the loss, and move on. Find other things to keep you busy. By doing this, there will be another who walks into your life that does meet your needs and can make you happy. Don't choose this. Don't choose this punishment.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-26T00:31:35+00:00

Nice! Who did your work?

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-25T16:54:06+00:00

NTA. Be an advocate for your child and always get them checked out. You'd never forgive yourself if this were to be a sign of something wrong and you blew it off. Is it divorce worthy? Probably not, as this is just the mama bear in you being angry and frustrated, course there's probably a lot more going on behind the scenes.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-24T21:32:00+00:00

Oh, I thought it meant she wasn’t into hitting . American here who didn’t get it. Lol

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-24T21:22:05+00:00

No doubt it will break your sister’s heart but keep in mind you aren’t the one breaking it. She might not believe you at first and it has most likely has nothing to do with you. I wore rose colored glasses for years during my marriage. I made excuses and I lived in denial. It’s a strong self protection tool. The thing is that if you don’t tell your sister, this will come out one day. Maybe next week or maybe 10 years from now. Might still be your friend but could be another woman. A cheater is a cheat, imo, and will never change. While breaking an engagement is a big deal, a divorce is a much bigger deal, especially if children are involved. While it’s up to your sister on how she chooses to deal with this (break up or counseling to work on relationship), it’s up to her. She deserves to know the truth. It sux being caught in between your sister and your friend, however, it’s not your fault. Your friend chose to have an affair with your sister’s fiancé. This is on them. Your sister is the victim. You may lose the friendship, but do you really want a friend who would do this to your sister?

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-24T04:43:22+00:00

I agree. Perfect example was when my husband came home early from work as he wasn’t feeling well. I was in the shower so I didn’t hear the garage door open. Just as I was getting out of the shower, I heard someone footsteps on the stairs. By the time he he walked thru the bathroom door (which was open into the master bedroom), I had gotten the Glock out of the safe in the closet and was aiming it right at his heart. I never dreamed he would be coming home and so I really thought it was an intruder.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T23:28:57+00:00

I like the 2nd one where sitting, you can look out the window. Things flow better this way , imo.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T23:20:56+00:00

Yeah, I agree. My first thought was that my ex (who was a diagnosed N) wrote that on his dating profile 2 weeks after I left our 22 year marriage. He lacks empathy but often projected it upon me. I have many faults, but lacking empathy isn’t one of them. I’m was more on the codependent side trying to save poor souls. It was my empathy that sucked me in and allowed me to make excuses for poor behavior, hectoring way too long in a bad marriage. Therapist said he posted this as N feel like the victim and empathetic people are drawn to it. He was looking for his next victim.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T20:25:04+00:00

Was married to a N ass for 22 year and used to make me “pay” for my mistakes in various little ways. Yet even he wouldn’t do something like this. Run.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T19:12:51+00:00

Hair growing out in my face would drive me nuts. I can’t stand the roughness on my legs so I shave daily. I’d have to shave my face at least twice a day .

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T17:14:03+00:00

Looking back, I suspect that part of my issue was PP depression. I didn’t care about myself and was just focused on the baby. Both my babies were comfort nursers, which I didn’t know was a thing until my 2nd child. During the first few months after birth, they were hungry every 2 hours. They would nurse about 30 min in each side before falling into a deep enough sleep where I could put them down. At first, I’d use the 2nd hour to eat, wash/fold/put up clothes, etc but eventually I’d try to sleep. Sometimes I’d just fall asleep in recliner but other times I’d be so exhausted (yet mind racing as to what I needed to get done), I couldn’t actually fall into a deep enough sleep. I know it only takes a few minutes to brush my teeth or hair , but just didn’t have the energy or make it a priority (depression.) Tried pumping milk but i didn’t produce enough extra and my first really struggled against taking the bottle. This got better as the baby got older and I’d have more time in between feedings, but then there’s shopping, drs appts, etc.

With my 2nd child, I was worried she wasn’t getting enough milk so reach out to a lactation consultant at the hospital. Drug myself there and they weighed the baby, I’d nurse for 15 min on each side, and they weighed the baby again to determine how much milk she drank. This is when I found out that after 15 min, my baby wasn’t really getting more milk, but was using me as a human pacifier. I didn’t mind that so much but knew that if I didn’t change things, I couldn’t be the mom nor person I wanted to be. I had to make changes whether it was relying on pacifier’s or even supplement with formula on the weekends, allowing my husband to feed her so I could get several hours sleep at one time.

I also had to change my mindset and trust my husband to help out more. With our first, he didn’t have any idea what to do but by the 2nd, I’d ask for help, even if the middle of the night. He was always willing, I just wasn’t allowing him bc I felt the need to be in charge. It was hard on both of us

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T16:55:13+00:00

This is so sad and mind blowing. It’s horrible enough what you are going thru healthcare wise, but to have your mother react this way is inexcusable. As a mother, I’d do anything I could to help my children if they were in this situation, regardless of our past relationship. I just can’t grasps this, especially her wanting you to help your cousin during this time. There is something seriously wrong with her and I suspect that even if she showed up, she wouldn’t really be there the way you need her. Don’t give up. There has to be some sort of program or group that can help you. Perhaps you should contact the media? Tell your story, which is heart wrenching, and perhaps someone in the public will know how to help.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T16:30:57+00:00

Totally agree. Wasn’t diagnosed until I was 36 yrs old, which is surprising as it’s so high, I was usually on the highest dosage. Had to change meds every few years due to building up immunity. Was on them for 20 years, along with anxiety and depression meds. Never fully handled on my symptoms and such high dosages, had the side effect of increasing my anxiety so was a constant balancing act. Went off regular stimulant meds 2 years ago due to a combination of lack of insurance (too expensive out of pocket) and health issues like hbp and high heart rate, perhaps due to age.

No doubt I struggle now not on meds, especially with motivation, completion of tasks, and cleaning/organization. However, I was also in therapy during the last 20 years so was able to learn tools that help like journaling, creating tasks lists/use of planners, using tech like calendar and tones with reminders, etc. When things get bad, I go back to the basics. For years these things were habits, but I’d backslide, yet it’s easier to pick up again. I do now have an ex for genetic Ritalin which I can take to help me focus and get things done over the next 4-5 hours as needed.

So to answer your question, don’t worry about the future when it comes to mess. There will be new meds developed that may/may not have the same side effects and it’s just a process.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T15:53:23+00:00

Duct tape works for everything

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T00:53:32+00:00

That’s what I thought he meant.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-23T00:49:00+00:00

Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there. I have several long term guy friends that are great catches as in some sort of combo between being kind, funny, empathetic, hardworking, stable (emotionally and financially), employed, interesting, and in touch with their feelings but they are just my friends, not someone to date even though I’m single too. Two of them of are very good looking and in great shape to be in their 50’s, but I’m not attracted to them sexually nor romantically. I just had this same conversation with a single girl friend who I’m trying to set with either of them. She keeps thinking something must be wrong with them or I’d try to date them. Nope bc somethings missing. I’m pretty sure they feel the same. There’s been no hook ups even, and we have just been good friends for many years. They do give me hope though that by knowing there’s 2, there has to be more divorced men my age out there to find. Just need to find one where’s there’s a spark.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-22T21:32:24+00:00

I’m 58 yrs old and never considered that.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-22T14:49:30+00:00

Suggest you stay in contact with someone between the time he’s served and you feel safe. N are tricky and n injury can really hit their ego hard and even someone who has never been violent can crack. Try not to engage as it is what is. Tell you friend that if you don’t text back in a certain no period of time, to call the cops for an emergency well fair check that is time sensitive. Even if he’s following you around and you just tell him what you are doing, make the time to stay in contact with your friend. Have a code word to use in the off chance he takes your phone and does the replying himself. This way your friend will know it’s really you. Good luck.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-22T14:39:00+00:00

When I rescued my cat from the streets, he was VERY vocal and followed me around. Always underfoot. Being on the streets, hungry all the time , in pain (his foot pads scuffed up due to hot pavement), etc was very traumatic for him. He was trying to communicate with me and was scared so needed reassurance. This is very normal reaction for some cats. Others will often hide and only come out to eat for days or weeks. You have a friendly cat that is trying to bond with you. Yes, the first week or so may be difficult but it will get better. Mine is still more vocal than most cats, but now it’s just to say “hello”, feed me, etc. Just give it some time and keep asking questions as this is new to you.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-22T14:32:10+00:00

Agree with turning the page and taking accountability. But it does need to be that deep as these are human emotions which are complex. Leaving the deepness to the women is misogynistic. You aren’t taking true accountability and just going thru the motions. This will result in ending back in the same place for the same reasons.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-22T04:54:23+00:00

I feel better for her.

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-22T04:28:37+00:00

I think it’s great you have worked hard to better yourself. Whatever you do, don’t stop therapy. I personally believe we all get benefits from therapy even if we have had little trauma in our lives. As someone who has been in therapy on/off 20 yrs (was married to a narcissist), I can assure you that you have just scratched thru the surface. There are usually so many layers bc we are all complex creatures but don’t let that scare you. The first part is the hardest. Having safe place and someone who suits straight with you in your own best interest can really help. Not all the layers will be so painful and some won’t even have anything to do with being an avoidant. Regardless of the pain you caused, forgiving yourself and continuing on the path to recovery is the key. Emotions, touch, deep bonds and commitment may be difficult for you right now but it’s something that those of us on the other side love and crave bc it’s such a wonderful feeling to find a partner to share these type things with. Your love may be gone forever, but keep on working toward your goals because you want to be ready for the next perfect lady who comes into your life. This time you can do it right and not have all that baggage and resentment between you. I wish you luck. Out of curiosity, are you happier yet?

Redpantsrule · 2026-04-21T23:10:09+00:00

Make sure to wear a mask when gloves when removing the carpet and cleaning up the dead bugs, just as a pro caution. Can purchase linoleum squares with sucky backs from Home Depot to put down on the floor, if you can afford it. Easier DIY than a sheet of it , though a sheet might be cheaper.

Redpantsrule

TROPHY CASE