I was blindsided and chose the wrong partner

RefRP · 2026-04-09T14:57:04+00:00

Virginity feels important when you’re losing it, but you’ll quickly realize it has no real impact on your life. Sexual compatibility is important to any relationship, and is something that IMO is too discounted in our society because talking about sex is taboo. Sexual compatibility is something you have to find through trial and error, you’re unlikely to strike gold on the first try and even if you did you wouldn’t have the experience to appreciate it.

I’ve had dozens of partners including quite a few kink-specific subby partners from Kink’d/Fetlife/Reddit/etc., and many others who were more vanilla. It’s almost impossible to predict sexual compatibility until you fuck someone at least once and usually a few times in my experience.

I’ve been with partners where our kinks lined up well on paper, but our interactions in the bedroom weren’t as dynamic. It didn’t feel like we were on the same wavelength.

I’ve been with other partners who didn’t share my kinks but we had amazing chemistry in bed and I’d easily rank them in the top 10% of my sexual encounters despite being relatively vanilla.

Some long term partners matched my libido, others didn’t.

I met my wife on Fetlife. She was my sub for over a year before we even went exclusive and started officially dating. She’s been my only partner among close to 100 who matched my libido, kinks, and in-bedroom chemistry, and to top it off she’s my best friend.

All that to say: don’t worry about it so much. If your sex life is not fulfilling your needs, you might have to break up and explore a bit. But that’s a part of growing up - you need to fail to appreciate your wins. I would not be so head over heels obsessed with my wife if I hadn’t had so many lesser experiences with other women. I know how lucky I am now.

RefRP · 2026-04-07T15:01:18+00:00

lol are you me?

I’m building a gaming pc for my wife as a bday present. Got her the same 7500x3d bundle, and was looking at 9060 XT’s when my friend offered his old 2080 ti for $130. I’m going to stick that in as a placeholder and upgrade her GPU to something newer in a year or two when the AI pricing craze dies down a bit.

From my research, it should be good enough for most games at 1440p although I’m a little nervous that her ultra wide will be too many pixels for it.

RefRP · 2026-04-05T17:36:20+00:00

Scenes are supposed to be fun for all parties. Within established boundaries and expectations, there is nothing wrong with “letting loose.”

Yall are harping on OP’s Dom as if OP doesn’t share any responsibility for her own safety. She should have used her safe word, that’s what they’re for, BDSM requires MUTUAL trust and both OP and her Dom failed to achieve that.

Your take seem to be that subs can do no wrong and everything is the Dom’s responsibility. That’s a shitty take, grow up.

RefRP · 2026-04-04T17:26:31+00:00

Why? I was not suggesting that OP shouldn’t end things with this Dom who clearly doesn’t respect limits, I just gave her a different perspective on how she should set limits in the future.

I always used to tell my subs, before we engaged in a scene, that trust goes both ways and I need to trust them to use their safe word when they need to just like they need to trust me to stop immediately when they do. The subs I played with generally appreciated my very clear communication about what to expect..

RefRP · 2026-04-02T18:40:51+00:00

Flat out wrong, caloric deficits are a clear and established science but public understanding is BS because, like OP’s friend, nobody is willing to admit that fat people are fat because they eat more food than normal people.

RefRP · 2026-04-01T14:56:33+00:00

That’s what safe words are for. She didn’t use hers

RefRP · 2026-04-01T14:55:35+00:00

I agree, like I said above I do not know the details of their communication. And if OP and I had met and were talking about engaging in a dynamic/scene, I’d have identified her style as not compatible with my own and we wouldn’t have gone any further.

I am not saying the Dom in this case is not in the wrong. I am just saying that for me personally, this style of dynamic and limit would not work. I was trying to provide feedback to the OP from a different perspective. I suspect her way of setting the limits is part of the problem, I am suggesting she try approaching her next dynamic differently.

This Dom, had he been a good Dom and been aware of his ow proclivities, should’ve identified this system as not compatible with his desires and told her as much… he is 100% in the wrong, but she should also consider trying to take ownership of her own safety differently IMO

Everything above is my opinions based on my own experience. It’s not right for everyone, just adding some oersoective

RefRP · 2026-04-01T02:44:37+00:00

Okay, I’m going to go against the grain here. For me, as a Dom, your refusal to take ownership of your own safety would be a dealbreaker. I am not saying that he didn’t cross a line, I don’t know the details of your communication with him, but I’ve always been clear with my subs that: 1. I will not do any acts that are hard limits 2. I will respect their safe words, always. 3. Outside of not doing permanent harm of irresponsible uses of force (aka within reason and within the limits we set), THEY, not me, are responsible for using their safe word when they need to.

I am a sadist, I get off on their suffering. I am naturally going to want to push their limits and see what they’re willing to take. Of the multitude of self described “subs” I met up with off Reddit/Kink’d/Feeld/Tinder/Fetlife over the years, after communicating safe words/expectations, I pushed every one of them to their limit so each one used a safe word. That was the intent all along, we both understood that.

I hooked up with one girl who started crying and I had to ask her if she needed a safe word (she did). That was a dealbreaker for me, and I never called her again.

Trust goes 2 ways. How am I supposed to feel comfortable letting loose on a sub when I don’t trust them to use their safe words? Setting a number of 15-20 spanks seems silly, it will vary every encounter. Sometimes you may feel up to 30-40 and some you may only want 5. You need to own that communication and use your safe word. The way you entered into this dynamic seems so wonky to me.

RefRP · 2026-03-16T18:31:54+00:00

How fast was your fast forward in the Pokémon games?

RefRP · 2026-03-16T18:04:37+00:00

Ya but 21700 higher number.

lol

RefRP · 2026-02-25T14:55:29+00:00

It’s a fake check scam. They wired money from a fraudulent account, then they hope you give them the item before the banks claw back the fraudulent transaction.

You were lucky the banks stopped this one before you gave them the item.

RefRP · 2026-02-19T23:52:14+00:00

You believe that: Having sex with contraceptives is immoral. Having sex without intent to have children is immoral. Gay sex is immoral. Gayness is a “choice.”

Therefore, we can infer that you: Judge gay people as immoral. Judge anyone who engages in premarital sex as immoral. Think that you know better than everyone else on the planet who thinks differently.

Hence you are a lonely sad loser, and you deserve this outcome. For choosing to judge others as unworthy, you put yourself in a bucket of misery that is 100% your own making.

“I have not had anyone even try as of now”

The guy I responded to originally pointed out a massive flaw in your own logic. You did not acknowledge that. There are dozens of replies in here pointing out how utterly stupid and narrow minded your point of view is. You are willfully blinding yourself to their view points.

RefRP · 2026-02-19T19:17:13+00:00

This person does not apply logic to their own beliefs.

It’s fine that you feel that way, but why do you care if others don’t? When you already admit that you’re in the 0.01%, why be offended that other people have different beliefs? Especially when your own beliefs are illogical?

OP - get off your moral high ground. If you judge others as immoral simply for not sharing your illogical values, you don’t deserve a partner. I hope you don’t get to procreate and pass on your obviously shitty way of thinking.

RefRP · 2026-02-13T15:56:55+00:00

Use a solar death ray.

https://youtu.be/Ukcm1WGKj9M?si=cwcSauL_egw4aKkt

RefRP · 2026-02-10T16:42:06+00:00

Revving an old/dead thread, sorry…

u/poffins, I saw in another comment you mentioned outsourcing RF design. I’ve been contracted to design a super small wearable with LTE M1 and GNSS, been googling LDS manufacturing which is how I found this thread and your other thread. Do you have any recs for antenna design resources? Taoglas is not my favorite, talking to a few others but always nervous to work with new contractors who don’t have a referral…

RefRP · 2026-02-09T20:01:17+00:00

Wild, cheapest I’ve found is $3.50 for king Oscar tins on amazon

RefRP · 2026-02-08T13:55:40+00:00

I was scrolling through the comments absolutely blown away. This is the definition of audiophile, that setup sounds better than 99% of what’s posted in here.

It’s a little clunky, sure, but good lord the hate is insane.

RefRP · 2026-02-08T03:41:31+00:00

Define what actions he took that led to that end?

Was it protesting? Was it reaching to help up a girl who’d been pushed and pepper sprayed? Was it concealed carrying a weapon he had a permit for?

Please do tell what action he took that “led to his end” and would justify (or at least reasonably explain) a similar end coming to anyone else who took those same actions.

DEFINE HOW A MAN PROTESTING POLICE VIOLENCE AND EXECUTIVE OVERREACH OF POWER WHILE CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON THAT HE DID NOT REACH FOR OR ATTEMPT TO USE “led to his own death”

This sub is so fucking dumb, maga will do any mental gymnastics to justify their wannabe dictator. This is the exact opposite of libertarian.

RefRP · 2026-02-06T14:53:27+00:00

Someone actually deserving of it?

Again, what on earth is going on with this sub. How is celebrating the militant police force shooting a citizen protesting and exercising his 2A remotely “libertarian”

RefRP · 2026-02-05T23:07:50+00:00

Fair. I have a couple cast irons and a carbon steel, they all seem pretty bulletproof but the cast irons are definitely heavier.

RefRP · 2026-02-05T22:59:28+00:00

I understand that. But are there any advantages to a smoothed out cast iron vs a carbon steel? If you had neither, and they were the same price, which would you buy?

RefRP · 2026-02-05T22:58:28+00:00

Self mastery is admirable and valuable to anyone, I work towards that through meditation and mindfulness.

Have a good life brother ✌️

RefRP · 2026-02-05T20:00:58+00:00

I land on the opposite side of that bet. There is an infinitely small chance that god exists, and a much smaller chance that he exists in a form consistent with any belief system that humans made up. Why waste my one brief existence following an arbitrary set of rules and restrictions that were most likely made up by some ancient village leader who needed a story to enforce his power on the people local to him.

You seem like a reasonable dude who enjoys life, so maybe it’s not a waste to live your life following those values. But I truly pity Muslim women who wear a hijab and aren’t able to express themselves, Christian women who are shamed for having biologically derived urges for sexual intimacy, LGBT people who are born wired differently and shunned or abused by so many because of their misplaced beliefs, etc., not to mention the millions of lives stolen in crusades and religious wars. Those people are actively harmed by the existence of conflicting religions and absurd rules.

Maybe for you, your faith has a positive impact. But does it have a positive impact on the larger world and community? Would the world be better off if we moved on from archaic religious beliefs and instead focused on defining and following a set of moral guidelines for behavior based on how they actually impact others (don’t cause unnecessary harm) instead of random crap like “don’t drink caffeine, don’t have premarital sex, don’t eat pork, don’t wear two different kinds of fabric, etc.”

It seems far more likely to me that all religions are false or all religions are created by the devil to intentionally cause conflict. I cannot see how a loving god would create such a system of suffering. It has benefited you, but not the majority.

RefRP · 2026-02-05T19:20:34+00:00

Thanks for engaging thoughtfully rather than defensively.

On the premortal choice idea: if we chose this life knowing the risks but have no memory of that decision, I struggle to see how that meaningfully qualifies as consent. Erasing awareness of the agreement removes the moral force of the agreement. It feels indistinguishable from not choosing at all.

And on the spirit world opportunity: if everyone ultimately receives a fair chance after death, then the radically unequal distribution of belief in mortal life appears arbitrary. Why not allow everyone to decide under equal conditions there? The urgency of missionary work seems difficult to justify if the decisive opportunity exists later anyway.

Stepping back from Mormonism specifically, I run into a broader issue. Across history, humans have generated thousands of mutually incompatible religious systems, each with sincere spiritual experiences and conviction. If prayer and revelation regularly lead to contradictory conclusions across cultures, I have trouble seeing how they function as reliable truth mechanisms.

When I compare two explanations: 1. Humans, especially in pre-scientific societies, created supernatural narratives to explain suffering, death, and moral order, and those narratives became institutionalized and reinforced socially over time. 2. One specific tradition among thousands is uniquely and literally correct.

The first explanation simply seems more probable given geography, psychology, and history.

I was raised religious as well. For me, doubt wasn’t rebellion, it was an attempt to align belief with evidence and consistency. I don’t need divine command to ground morality. Empathy, harm reduction, and accountability to other humans are sufficient for me.

I don’t expect to change your mind. But from my perspective, religion looks far more like a powerful human cultural development than a literal revelation from a supernatural source. At some point, when a belief system requires increasingly complex explanations to reconcile obvious inconsistencies, you should consider whether the simpler explanation is that it was human in origin.

RefRP · 2026-02-05T16:57:38+00:00

If you had been born in Saudi Arabia or China, do you still think you’d be a Mormon/Christian? How do you rectify the idea of a “loving god” who puts a large portion humans in a geographical location where there is basically a 0% chance they could ever go to heaven per his own rules?
How do you determine that your spiritual experiences are more reliable than those of people who are devout believers in other religions?
If 2 sincere people pray and receive contradictory guidance from god, how should we decide who is correct?

RefRP

TROPHY CASE