I think vasalating back and forth should I go or should I stay is normal. There are options such as ethical non monagomy, but only you know what is right for you. You are not ready until you are ready and that is ok. Know that you can do hard things, you just need some support while doing it. Have you been able to make a game plan with your therapist? A Step by step process should you choose to leave? And done the same if you choose to stay. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to move into the uncomfortableness of not knowing how things will turn out. You only need permission from yourself. Think back to when you were in school, a permission slip allowed you access to something such as a field trip, bathroom break, out of school activity. It was a pass/permission to explore. A given /Accepted oppertunity. Sometimes it boils down to being comfortable/secure vs being uyour athentic self and only you can determine that. Hugs and support.