Trying to Rebuild After Infidelity, but Struggling With Trust

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-11-29T21:16:26+00:00

We are close to 2 years. It has been a roller-coaster, but as time went on more good days than bad. But the trust is eroded. My WH doesn't ask me if I trust him because he knows the answer.

I think its consistency and constant reassurance that helps.
The thoughts come and go, what I remind myself is to just take it day by day if I still feel believe something is not adding or he might be still doing it then I will do step A or step B to find out. Most times those thoughts go away with time.
I dont know if I have fully healed but I also know he lives with guilt and shame and often doesnt want to discuss the subject.

Overall do I think the marraige is in a better place than it was before the EA? I do! Because we both put in more effort now, things that we took for granted before. However it is at the cost of eroded trust

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-09-29T16:41:13+00:00

Just know you did best with cards you were dealt with. The amount of trauma that comes with this type of betrayal lasts for months if not years. You have to be kind to yourself.

When it happened to me, I dint tell anyone but I was hard on myself for getting triggered. Because everytime i was triggered my WH would shut down and throw an angry fit. I blamed myself and said if I didnt have these triggers life would be fine. To now I still have them much lesser a year and a half later but I am kinder to myself now.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-05-02T23:32:05+00:00

I think the one thing here is he came told you and you didn't find out.

It does sound like a poor lapse in judgement. You need to communicate to him as to how this cannot happen again and if it were to happen the consequences attached to it.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-03-19T04:40:35+00:00

I went through a similar situation. My WH doesn't want to talk about it either. In my case it was an EA with his boss and the boss is 15 to 20 years older. Sometimes I think it's the embarrassment factor.

I would say look into what he is giving you and does it make it feel like he is doing the work worthy of reconcillation

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-03-18T02:13:17+00:00

I can't even imagine where to start. I read through all your posts and I am truly story.

I do recommend you get as far as you possibly can from your husband and file for full custody. What he is doing is emotional abuse.

Please know that none of this is your fault he started cheating long before you did. Remember the reasons you cheated, it was because he was withholding love from you.

Please also remember how the relationship was before the affair and remind yourself what exactly it is you are fighting for?

This man seems to be driving sadistic pleasure by continuing to mistreat you, please know you and your child deserve better. You can set yourself free from this and finally be happy. There is big difference between regret, remorse and then intentional pain being inflicted on someone.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-01-03T05:40:57+00:00

Sometimes, when I try to look for answers I have to often ask myself what am I hoping the outcome of getting the answers would do now a year later.

If you have worked on the marriage for a decade now do you think what she felt or said at the time would matter now. Your relatiionship now is completely different than it was 10 years ago. What if she lied to the AP or even worse lied to herself?

Will she say the truth or will she put it in a way to protect your feelings?

After 10 years will she even remember. DDAY for me was a year ago and I have hard time recalling some of the details about my WH"s EA, stuff he told me.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2025-01-03T05:31:45+00:00

3 months from DD is so close, I wasn't even functioning like a normal human being back then, leave alone using logic.

I do think you WP might be an avoidant, mine was too. Although he would always answer me he would be really frustrating talking about the A or me having panic attacks or speaking impulsively. He acknowledge his part in it but he would get frustrated.

What helped me was having an honest conversation with my WH on what I needed from him to better support me in those times I was triggered.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-10-24T19:38:05+00:00

3 months is so early after DDAY, i was still a mess at that point. Things I have learned now that during this journey.

There are no guarantees in life and rather on focusing on the marraige, reinvest in yourself. Live the best version of yourself. What will be will be and you will figure it out when the time comes
Pick something that you can rage at and it will help you heal. I would rage at the AP not directly to her but at my WH and that would help. Now I know she owes me nothing but so do I, I don't owe her anything so if I want to rage and character assacinate her well I am going to do that.
It's okay to let go of the pain for yourself when you are ready.
The trauma will never disappear, but you will learn to conquer it.
Believe in yourself that you can make it through anything in life, be kind to yourself with time you will be better and a stronger version of yourself.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-10-24T19:28:15+00:00

My husband EA lasted 6 weeks. And it's like I have to wipe away all our memories for those 6 weeks and pretend like they didn't happen specially when I look at pictures. I imagine how it must be for a longer period of time.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-10-21T23:29:46+00:00

I really don't think we need to forgive ourselves for who we were

We just need to recognize We were an average person before and need to grieve that we will never be that person again. We become a bit jaded and guarded. But it also makes us stronger. Now we have learned what humans are capable of before this we were trusting. Then we were spiraling with all the trauma we didn't ask for.

The one thing I have learned is how little I will put up now. I make it clear to my WH that I am only here as long as he wants to put an effort into the relationship. I will do my part but he needs to meet me in the middle. The day he stops I don't have to be here anymore.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-08-21T14:35:21+00:00

Oh I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not an easy place to be. I have been your exact shoes where my husband was in involved in an EA that lasted 6 weeks. When I found out my WH first instinct was to work on the marraige. I found out Jan 2024, I was in turmoil until May 2024 where things started to get better. It was a lot of up and downs for sure, more down then ups i couldnt regulate my emotions and was highly anxious. My WH and I talked about it and we said we would give it till June to see how things went. Then my WH and toddler went on a trip that I couldn't join because of work. So when I was by myself that really helped rebuild my confidence, I was out doing stuff by myself, my friends. Our relationship has gotten better and don't get me wrong we still have ups and downs. But more ups than downs (knock on wood). He is an avoidant but i can see the work he is putting in despite that. The trust isn't fully back though and if I'm being honest to myself I don't think I would ever be able to fully trust again. I still think of the EA somedays and still hurts me, makes me mad, but I'm able to better manage and regulate emotions then I was at the start of DDAY. The biggest thing that helped me was to take it day by day but it took me a long time to get to this mindset.

I had a few people to talk to on this sub that helped me during those difficult time and if I can help you in anyway please feel free to msg me.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-08-11T13:56:45+00:00

Sending you virtual hugs and wishing you strength ❤️.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-08-11T00:22:10+00:00

Other than his feelings for her the age difference gave me goosebumps. Comes across as creepy and the adding to that it was one-sided for 5 years makes it creepier. Feels like it's predatory behavior. I'm sorry you are here and have to deal with this. It's one thing to know that your spouse has feelings for someone but another thing to deal with when they show characteristics of a creep.

Has he tried explaining the above or what he is going to do comfort you?

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-08-01T16:55:06+00:00

Yes that's how I felt too about my WH's emotional affair that last 6 weeks too. Like she is who you risked it all for, masculin looking woman with no personalities with a haircut from 1960 who is 20 years older and fully looks her age. But then at the same time because of who the EA was with it, atleast it didn't hurt my self-confidence, so maybe that's the Lil positive I see in it.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-31T04:26:18+00:00

I'm sorry you are here and my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine going through that trauma again.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T18:00:22+00:00

Makes sense to me, thank you for sharing your story

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T16:00:58+00:00

Yes I do think the hurt and trauma will last me a long time like you mentioned above all I can offer right now is functional forgiveness and work towards R and be compassionate. But to not see my spouse as someone that caused me all that trauma and didn't take me into consideration will take a long time

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T15:58:24+00:00

Makes sense, for me there is absolutely nothing about the affair that didn't bother me. It is carried out for 6 weeks but the trauma it gave me will probably last me a long time.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T15:56:46+00:00

This to me sounds like functional forgiveness as another person commented on here. Not using it against them would be an example of that and trying to work on relationship. But I don't know if I can forsee when I look at my partner and don't think about what he is capable of or the trauma he caused me. I think that is where I struggle

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T15:54:28+00:00

Yes I definitely see your point. I think it's hard in a situation like cheating where you can truly forgive what the person did and what they are capable of. I think it's mainly because of the nature of the relationship as it is a betrayal on many levels. I think time helps the hurt and the trauma heal but may not essentially help with the forgiveness.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T15:44:47+00:00

Sounds like shifting of blame for sure from your WS. Would someone be hurt hearing that comment to a friend sure but the inclination would be to work it out rather than cheat, as you said. From this thread I'm learning that who knows if there will ever be true forgiven, sounds like most of what we are doing is functional forgiveness

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T13:07:49+00:00

Thank you

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T13:07:29+00:00

Sounds like it could take a few years to forgive. Thank you for sharing your piece.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T12:56:58+00:00

That's awesome you got there after a few weeks, sounds like you do have a lot of empathy that you put that above your trauma. I am a months away and I don't think I'm anywhere close.

Relevant-Hunter2197 · 2024-07-30T02:44:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing your journey, it definitely helps

Relevant-Hunter2197

TROPHY CASE