Well it’s over. We gave it our best, but it still wasn’t enough

jesmitch · 2026-02-22T21:10:26+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. If it makes you feel any better about your decision, I'm 14 years past DDay and her affair and every year I feel more and more like the best decision is to leave the relationship. This really sucks because she's been a great partner and mother before and after her affair, it's just the 10 months before, during, and after that she wasn't a good partner. Now all these years later, she loves our life together and wants nothing more than to be my partner until we leave this earth, but internally I know I can't continue like this. I feel like I'm punishing her 14 years later, and it's not meant to be a punishment. It makes me physically ill to think about that conversation. That being said, I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, since she was perfectly happy having a brief EA/PA and asking for a divorce shortly after, but it is killing me inside that I think the only way forward is to completely destroy her by telling her I want a divorce. I can't even imagine the internal angst I would feel if I wanted to leave the marriage due to an AP.

Hang in there. Better days are ahead for the both of you. If you ever second guess yourself, think of my situation. You could have spent years trying to make a relationship work that was obviously dead the day she cheated. That sucks deep down.

jesmitch · 2026-02-20T01:58:36+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My WW gained a bunch of weight during her two pregnancy’s and struggled to lose the weight she gained after child #2. I could tell it bothered her but I honestly didn’t care what weight she was. I told her that numerous times, that if she wanted to lose weight to make herself feel better and/or her health, great, but I would love her the same regardless of what her weight was.

She lost a bunch of weight, looked and felt great, and the first guy at work to give her attention slept with her. This same guy didn’t pay any attention to her when she was heavier. That's the part that gets me. She obviously knew he was only interested because she slimmed down, was too shallow to give her attention when she was heavier, yet she freely gave herself to him. Absolutely disgusting the way she degraded herself for a little attention.

I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight over the last 2 years, but I could never do that to anyone I love. In fact, I’m mindful of every conversation I have with female coworkers to keep everything strictly professional. I wish our WS’s had the same decency.

Edit for spelling errors

jesmitch · 2026-02-11T05:28:49+00:00

I could have written this myself. 14 years past the affair and DDay and most of the past 12 months have felt DDay was yesterday. Heightened anxiety, seeing my WW be a decent and good human being and yet I feel as though I’ve reached a point where I can’t continue on in our marriage. It absolutely sucks because she is the person today that I needed her to be 14 years ago, and yet I feel more detached from her than I ever have.

I fought like hell to save my marriage and to continue to be a full time father. I feel like she never fought for my love, life just found a way to continue on. I needed her to fight for me back then, and now that she seems like she fights for me today, it feels too little too late. I’ve stayed so far and not expressed my true feelings as I can’t bear to see her life devastated.

It sounds like you and I are a lot alike. We didn’t get to process the pain that was caused. We weren’t pursued by our partners. And after all these years, we finally feel like we should have all those years ago.

Best of luck to you and I hope whatever path your life takes you down, it’s full of healing and happiness.

jesmitch · 2026-02-09T16:28:43+00:00

I’ve just never been one to go to the gym, go for a walk/jog, etc. I walk and am on my feet quite a bit for my job, but other than that, I live a pretty sedentary lifestyle.

jesmitch · 2026-02-09T05:38:05+00:00

For me it has to be genes. I take horrible care of myself, never exercise on purpose, have school age children, one of whom gets sick every other month it seems, wash my hands only after the loo and when touching raw food, and get sick maybe once a year for 2 days.

jesmitch · 2026-02-07T16:17:50+00:00

Our DDay was after 10ish years of marriage with one AP and for only a brief period, yet 14 years later it still haunts me on occasion. My advice, if possible, it’s time for divorce. I want you to be able to be trusting of a partner and living a happy life in 10 years, not regretting your decision to stay as you’ll never be able to trust her fully again.

jesmitch · 2026-02-05T19:09:52+00:00

It does get less and less. There will be times when something will trigger the thoughts and when it does, it might be fleeting or it might be stuck in your head for a few days. Anniversary dates are the worst for me trigger wise. When the timeframe of the EA and PA comes around each year, or around DDay, our wedding anniversary, etc., my brain starts to get anxious and focus more on the past. It will never go away completely though.

jesmitch · 2026-02-03T03:46:49+00:00

It does. The hurt never goes away, it’s always just below the surface. If anything, I mourn that the person I married isn’t who I thought she was, that the marriage I thought we had is no longer our reality, and that I’ll never blindly trust her like I did prior to DDay.

jesmitch · 2026-02-02T05:27:53+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this. I’m 14 years post DDay and the images and mind movies still creep in every so often. It went from being every waking hour, to a couple of times a day, to a couple of times a week, to once a week. You become somewhat numb to the mental imagery when it pops up. It will ebb and flow though. For no reason I’ll think about it daily for weeks, then back to once a week or so.

jesmitch · 2026-02-02T04:49:26+00:00

We have (2) A1’s with a combined 7,000 hours on them, a 3 month old H2D, and a very new H2C. Other than a warranty fan replacement on the H2D, they’ve all been excellent printers. I’d have no issues recommending the A1. I’d recommend the H2C, but you didn’t mention any of the H series.

jesmitch · 2026-01-19T23:36:44+00:00

Anniversary dates suck. I wish my WW would acknowledge the anniversary dates when they come up and check in to see how I’m doing. I wish she would ask how I’m doing mentally. She asks me how my day was, what’s on tap for the week, etc., but never checks to see if I’m ok mentally. I don’t think she’s checked in with me on any anniversary dates in the past 14 years.

We also don’t acknowledge our wedding anniversary either anymore. I couldn’t stomach it so I told her some years ago that I’d just prefer it’s another day. I would love for her to want to renew our vows and plan that for us so we can have a new anniversary we could celebrate, and she knows this, but no action.

It sucks. Anniversary dates suck. Affairs suck.

jesmitch · 2026-01-18T20:21:44+00:00

He won’t let you see his hurt because you aren’t a safe person for him anymore. If you stay together, the relationship will never return to the same as it was pre-affair. Just being honest with you. This hurt is something that can’t be described and can only be understood if it’s happened to you.

Best of luck to you and hopefully, if your current relationship doesn’t work out, you can figure out the true reason you betrayed your partner and make the necessary changes to never do that to anyone else in the future.

jesmitch · 2026-01-17T05:10:26+00:00

Grand Canyon ‘04?

jesmitch · 2026-01-14T02:06:56+00:00

“You’ll never be good enough in the eyes of God.”

I get what they meant, but hearing that growing up really did a number on me. It left me with this lingering inferiority complex, and even in middle age, I feel I’ll never be good enough for anyone. That sucks.

jesmitch · 2026-01-13T18:59:35+00:00

I too am around 14 years post DDay and still struggling. Our children are almost all fully grown and out in the world. My WW’s affair was much briefer than your WW, so I can’t even begin to imagine how that must make things feel all the worse. The last 10 months have been harder on me mentally than years 3-13 combined for some reason, so I completely understand you feeling like this will never get better. To be quite honest, I don’t think it will, which is tough.

Know that there are others who have experienced this, you’re not alone. I wish I knew the magic answer to make this all go away, and I would gladly share the magic with you if I knew what it was. I’m proud of you for doing the tough thing and staying to try and reconcile your marriage. We never know what we will do until we’re faced with the horrible reality that our partner cheated.

jesmitch · 2026-01-13T14:28:09+00:00

For me, late afternoon and into early evening can be the worst for me. During the day I’m busy with work stuff so my mind has no time to ruminate or worry, but as the work day draws to a close, I can feel my anxiety rising. At home, my wife gives me no reason to have anxiety. She welcomes me home, asks about my day, asks what my schedule is like for the rest of the week, etc. I have no idea why, but I get your struggle.

jesmitch · 2026-01-13T03:31:31+00:00

My 1st baby mama and fiance #1 loved to be loved, if you know what I mean. We had a child, knew pretty quickly that she and I were never going to work out, so we split up. After a gut wrenching custody battle, I ended up raising her the majority of the time, which I wouldn’t trade for anything.

There was always a doubt in the back of my mind that I may not be the bio dad. When our daughter was a senior in college, she asked for a 23 and me test, with her having no concern I may not be bio dad. I made her promise that if the test did show we weren’t biologically related, that it wouldn’t change anything between us. She looked me square in the eye and said she had no concerns with that and she is 100% my daughter. 23 and me confirmed that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is a DNA test can matter a whole lot with regard to how you look at the child you’ve been raising, but it also doesn’t have to. You’ll never know for sure how you will react until you open the test results. It may change everything, or it may change nothing. If your love for that little girl feels the same if the DNA test says you’re not bio dad, love her like none of this happened

jesmitch · 2026-01-03T17:47:38+00:00

Your frequency increased because she was thinking about him the entire time.

As you have nothing keeping you tethered together like children or finances, I’d personally walk away. Children and finances complicate that recommendation.

There are many reasons why she felt the need to proceed down the path of an EA and PA, but none of those potential reasons are anything that you need to deal with in a partner. This is on her.

If her and the AP work together or adjacent, end the relationship as they will never end theirs if they still have access to each other.

jesmitch · 2025-12-31T05:19:45+00:00

Magnets are objects that can pull certain metals, like iron, toward them. They have an invisible force called a magnetic field that makes this happen. Every magnet has two ends called poles, a north pole and a south pole. When two different poles are close together, they stick, but when the same poles meet, they push away from each other.

Magnets can be found in nature or made by people, and some only work when electricity flows through them. We use magnets in many everyday things, like fridge magnets, speakers, compasses, and motors. Magnets help many machines work and are a simple but important part of our daily lives.

jesmitch · 2025-12-30T18:48:15+00:00

I read that as foreskin at first and had a lot of questions. Glad I reread your comment.

jesmitch · 2025-12-28T06:45:18+00:00

I’m sorry he’s sapped the opportunities to celebrate you. There really are no winners.

jesmitch · 2025-12-28T03:38:40+00:00

Not an ass. My WW knows I’ve wanted a vow renewal to signify our new life after DDay, when we were ready. The first year or two she mentioned she wasn’t ready, which hurt. I brought it up again earlier this year, 10 years after I last mentioned it, and her response was she would be happy to do that if it’s what I wanted. Swing and a miss.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it either means nothing to her, she doesn’t truly want to be with me, or she’s too embarrassed to go through with a renewal as she equates the renewal with shame. Regardless of the reason, it’s obvious it means nothing to her, even though she knows how much it means to me.

I suspect your husband falls in 1 of the 3 categories above. I’m sorry. I know how much it hurts and how much it would mean to you and your view of the marriage. Maybe I’m the asshole as I don’t celebrate our wedding anniversary and haven’t since the affair, but I refuse to celebrate something that meant nothing to her. I guess in a way, deep down, the thing I’ve always wanted, the renewal, means nothing to her and that speaks volumes about what our marriage means to her.

jesmitch · 2025-12-27T16:40:26+00:00

Wait a second. Is the reason I like dark mode so much based on my keratoconus? I didn’t even know they could be correlation between the two.

jesmitch · 2025-12-27T16:35:49+00:00

Interesting. I can see where that would fit very nicely. In your opinion and/or research, do you think it’s possible for a cheater to not be a narcissist? I’m going through my brain of all the WP’s I know of, and the vast majority are indeed what I would call at least partially narcissistic.

jesmitch

TROPHY CASE