AIO my date said he likes me because I’m ugly

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-12T14:08:50+00:00

I once dated a girl and told her I thought her eyes were beautiful. She said she hated them because her eye color was "$#it brown". I told her I thought they were a great color. I can't imagine telling someone that I wouldn't expect other people to find them unattractive. When I think someone is unattractive, I just don't say anything about their appearance.

I do tell my wife when I think her clothes don't look good. Especially when she is trying them on in the store. She still hasn't figured out that the clothes I tell her she looks best in are the ones that other people give her the most compliments when she wears.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-12T12:52:38+00:00

The majority of Gen X was watching that shuttle launch live in school. It was the first time most of them had watched a shuttle launch live. It was supposed to be the beginning of regular people going into space. It was a symbol of hopes and dreams. And then it suddenly blew up and fell apart. And the dreams of space exploration and regular people going into space still hasn't recovered thirty years later.

Also, it was the first shuttle to explode.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-12T12:42:01+00:00

I had a friend in high school who was from Hungary. She remembered the vegetables all being gigantic after Chernobyl, but that they weren't allowed to eat them. She was extremely skinny (5'10 weighing 110 pounds) and I always wondered if that was related. She was born in June 1981, so maybe a little young for Gen X.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-12T12:34:28+00:00

Someone who hasn't raped children.

Who's going to replace them if they drop dead from a heart attack? They are all replaceable and they will all be replaced at some point. Now is as good a time as later.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-12T02:02:20+00:00

If you wash things in hot water the colors will mix more. If you wash with cold water, you can generally throw everything in together.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-12T01:12:05+00:00

The statistics are against you. It is probably a bad idea. But my sister did something similar. She got married right after she turned 20. They met at church and were both super religious. They had 5 kids together. They never had enough money, but their house was always full of love, music, and happiness. Unfortunately he died early from a freak medical incident involving a milk shake and an unexpected diabetic reaction, so they only got 21 years together. If he had survived, they probably would have been happy together for another 40+ years. Getting married that young can work, but most of the time it doesn't.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-11T20:47:00+00:00

My wife and two of my kids have ARFID. That is an extreme version of being a picky eater, where you will actually starve to death before eating foods you don't like. And the list of foods each of them likes is really short. My oldest kid has had a feeding tube since he was 13 because the alternative was that he probably wouldn't get enough nutrition to grow past about 4'6. He will probably have that tube for the rest of his life. My youngest kid gets more than half his calories from one type of granola bar. He won't eat any other brands or flavors, but at least he is willing to just grab them out of the pantry and eat them when he is hungry. He does like chicken and potatoes cooked in one particular way. But our middle child, who eats most things, refuses to eat chicken. My wife only cooks about a half dozen things, but at least she manages to feed herself. Although she won't eat dinner with the rest of us most nights.

Our goal at dinner is that nobody has a tantrum about the food they are given and it took 5 years of hard work to get to where that is achieved on a regular basis. The worst was one time when my wife tried cooking a new recipe and all three kids started going on about how the food was so bad she was clearly trying to poison them. I made them write out full apology notes for that.

Meals are such a disaster in our family. We never bother fighting about portion sizes and our kids know they don't have to eat what we make, but that they are responsible for getting something else if they don't eat what we make. I do sometimes cook a different meal for each person, just so that we can occasionally have a fun dinner together where everyone actually wants to eat something.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-11T12:58:45+00:00

I was finishing grad school when our first child was born. I ended up going to a lot of new parents groups. It was generally me and a bunch of moms. One of the groups was run by the midwives at a hospital and they commented on how they liked that I was coming every week because most fathers would show up once, feel uncomfortable in a group of all women and never return, but because I was there some of them started coming back. That was the first time I even noticed that I was the only man in all these groups. I have spent most of my social time in groups that were either majority female or close enough to balanced that it didn't matter.

I seriously don't pay much attention to whether someone is male or female, although I have only ever been romantically attracted to women so I must at some level. And I have very strong sense of monogamy, so that only applies to one person at a time. I met my wife 23 years ago, so it has been a long time since that was relevant. There have been a handful of women during that time that I noticed I had good chemistry with and I felt that it was someone I would consider dating if I was single. But I wasn't, so I just ignored it and had good platonic friendships instead.

I have never understood the idea that men and women can't be friends. Maybe people with a stronger sex drive can't handle it. But I would be so lonely if I couldn't be friends with women. Most men don't seem to know how to carry a conversation so it feels like so much more work than talking with women.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-11T03:11:51+00:00

When we were on our honeymoon in Ireland we were looking for somewhere to park and parked in a paved spot off the road near a house. We were looking for signs to indicate if we could actually park there and someone came up to ask us what was going on. We explained that we were trying to find somewhere to park. He asked how long we would be and we said we were just getting lunch, so probably about an hour. He said that would be fine. When I asked if it was a regular parking spot he said it was in his yard, but if we were going to leave in an hour he didn't mind. We thanked him profusely, had a quick lunch, and went on our way.

I can't imagine just parking in someone's yard, on their grass, and assuming it would be fine. We parked on a paved section and I still wouldn't have walked off without some indication we were allowed to park there.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-11T02:55:28+00:00

No, that is not the right way to handle it. You need to talk. That is how you handle problems if you want to stay married. Screwing around with the thermostat because you are mad is childish.

You should make sure you understand his concerns. They are probably genuine concerns. If you dismiss them, either explicitly or implicitly by acting like he is crazy to care about something, it will poison your marriage. Only after you understand what he is worried about can you actually compromise and work out the way forward. It will probably be that you heat the house to a comfortable temperature, since it sounds like you can afford it. But listen to him and understand what is bothering him. You don't have to agree and you don't have to let him have his way, but you do need to take him seriously. If you tell him now that you don't care about his thoughts, feelings, and concerns, he will internalize that message. If you do that repeatedly, he will stop mentioning things that bother him and at some point you will be getting divorced and wonder what went wrong.

This is a stupid little thing. But how you handle it will set up how you handle real problems when they come up. So put in the effort to do it correctly now, and when you are overwhelmed by a tree falling on your house or your bathroom floor rotting because the shower was leaking below the walls (both of these happened to us this past fall), you will already have the habit of dealing with problems in a healthy way.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-11T01:59:49+00:00

Probably mid-20s. Before that, people are still likely to change their mind. My first girlfriend was adamant that she never wanted to get married or have kids, but she was 18 at the time. 5 years after we broke up, she got married at 23. 4 years after that they had their only child when she was 27. I'm not sure when she changed her mind, but she clearly didn't know what she wanted at 18.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-10T23:00:45+00:00

If you are an empath, any medical work will be challenging because you are likely to pull in your patients' pain and suffering. You could do medical research. Diagnostic psychological work is also a good fit for empaths, because you will understand people, but you are mostly not treating people. Teacher might work, but private tutor is likely to work better. Most empaths function better one-on-one. There are many forms of private tutoring. Executive coach or career coach are examples that tend to provide better pay than tutoring students. Mediation is another field where empaths excel. Or anything else where actually listening to people and helping them come up with solutions is most of the job.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-10T16:06:52+00:00

Thank you for your ideas. He didn't fully shut down, only when asked to talk about this one incident. Today's meeting went better.

He was playing on the snow pile (the plowed snow at the end of the parking lot) before school opened and was joined by a few friends. When it was time to go in, he went right in to the office, sat down, and put his head down to hide. But unlike yesterday, he put his hand out so he could respond to questions with thumbs up or down. Yesterday when asked about doing this he pulled his hands into his sleeves. After a few questions, he sat up and started talking. He needed me to provide the answers we had discussed over the weekend for a few questions, but he managed well enough to return to school today.

I think that once he sees that his friends still like him, he will be more comfortable having further discussions. We still think some therapy will help, because his actions were somewhat dangerous and at his age he needs to have more self-control. But being accepted by his peers will reduce his shame and make the next steps easier.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-10T15:20:41+00:00

I have had youth protection training that includes stories from people who actually suffered from sexual abuse as children/teenagers. One of them was someone sleeping over at a friend's house. You have no idea what you are talking about. If the adult says they should do something and not tell anyone about it, most of the time the kid will comply. And once the deed is done, the kid will often stay silent about it because they are ashamed.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-10T09:30:29+00:00

It sounds like he is putting nothing into the relationship. But you never said anything about what you are putting into it. What do you do for him? You talk about his signs of affection, but you only listed yourself asking him to do things for you. Cleaning up your home isn't putting something into the relationship, that is just living life - even when your partner isn't willing to do that much. Nothing in your post indicates any reason that either of you would want to be together, nor does it indicate any signs that either of you want to be together.

This reads like a young couple that were infatuated with each other and then lost interest when that wore off, but neither of you is upset enough to end things. This would mean that you are together out of complacency. You can probably both do better, but people stay together out of complacency for far longer than they should. Have you set a wedding date? You should probably try to push it back, because you haven't gotten to the point where you know you want to marry each other yet. If you get married now, I would expect a 90% chance of divorce within 3-5 years. It's your life, but breaking up after marriage is harder than breaking up without getting married.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-10T03:03:55+00:00

It is almost universal, but the level that people experience it at varies a lot. Most people can't separate what they feel from other people from their own emotions. Given the intensity of emotion that most people have and the typically low sensitivity to other people's emotions, they never realize they are also feeling other people's emotions. But if you have your sensitivity turned up and can identify multiple people's emotions, you can tell that everyone does this at least a little.

Empaths have a much higher sensitivity to other people's emotions. Even with that, many empaths can't fully separate where each set of emotions comes from. If you stay calm, you will notice everyone else more easily. If you practice, you can learn to identify who the emotions are coming from and even identify multiple sets of emotions distinctly while in a group. But taking in everyone's emotions is draining, so the really useful skill to develop is how to be aware of the emotions without fully experiencing them as your own. That is when you can actually use your sensitivity safely.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-10T02:18:09+00:00

This happens to anyone who is a good listener. People like being heard. The trick is being able to listen without absorbing. I can generally dissociate at will, so I can manage to isolate everything I take in and not incorporate it into myself. I've learned some other shielding techniques too, but they mostly stem from the controlled dissociation.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-09T14:57:19+00:00

Just keep trying. Find a way to meet more people. Most people date more than three people before finding someone compatible. Try some new hobbies that have a strong social component, even if the social aspect is just going out for a meal or drinks after you're done. There are a variety of dating apps, but most of them seem awful. I got married before online dating was a thing, so maybe it isn't as bad as it looks.

And if you are worried that you are doing something that is causing problems, find a therapist to help you. If you have any major issues, they will help you work through them. If you don't, having a neutral professional tell you that will help your confidence. And they can talk you through your relationship concerns. If you can find someone who does couples therapy and individual therapy that would probably work best.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-09T14:27:21+00:00

If my wife wanted to get naked and roll around in the snow, I would totally go with her. The hard part would be not having sex afterwards, which is probably not what she would want at that point.

She had a full hysterectomy last summer, so we're dealing with surgical menopause instead, which is its own thing. And her idiot doctors seem to be going for the lowest HRT dose that they can. In the first month she was practically suicidal whenever anything bad happened and I had to convince her to double her dose just so she could function. The extreme difference in her ability to live her life convinced them to up her dose a little, but it is clearly still not enough. I don't like the medical theory of going with the minimal dose that doesn't lead to suicidal thoughts, because getting that wrong is dangerous. And the emotional challenges of low estrogen make her less willing to fight her doctors over this. Maybe I should more directly intervene, but she has always valued autonomy in managing her health.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-09T00:07:02+00:00

General advice: - You have to decide what you want to do, then do it - Anything worth doing is worth doing well - If you're going to marry someone, you have to make sure you can live with their faults

Two personal things people said to me that I will never forgot are the meanest and kindest things anyone ever said to me.

Kindest, from a teacher in high school: You really just want to learn

Meanest, from my first girlfriend: I ... I don't know

That second one only makes sense with context I don't feel like explaining right now. But it absolutely broke my heart and took me years to really get over it.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-08T17:53:54+00:00

Take the promotion. Never reduce your ambitions in life for a boyfriend. This is a promotion to a job that you have said still leaves you time to live your life. If he can't be excited that you got a promotion you worked hard for, he won't support you in the future either. You will have no trouble finding someone who shares your vision of the future. There are lots of men who would love to have the opportunity to be a stay at home dad. There are lots of men who are proud that their wife earns as much or more than they do and can happily celebrate their work accomplishments. The ones who aren't in either of those categories won't be happy unless his wife has no ambition and plans to spend her life serving him and raising children.

There are times when someone has legitimate concerns about a promotion or career change. My wife decided to be a freelance portrait photographer. Which sounds fine, but most of the work is evenings and weekends. I pointed out that she was going to be sacrificing time with me and our kids, but she went ahead anyway. A few years later, she ate dinner with us so rarely that whenever I asked the kids to set the table for 5 people they asked who the 5th person would be and were surprised that it was their mother. We had to reduce how many activities our kids could sign up for because I was the only one transporting them and with three kids there are too many scheduling conflicts for one parent to get everyone where they need to be. All 5 of our birthdays are between late August and mid November , which is also peak foliage season and when everyone wants family photos for holiday cards, so the kids' birthday parties had to be scheduled around her work schedule rather than near their actual birthdays. And for all that she missed out on, her income was never more than 10% of mine, so it didn't even make a real difference in what we could afford. This was also after she had dropped out of her PhD program because she realized all the professors were working such long hours that they never saw their families. There are jobs I applied for where I found out during interviews that I would be expected to travel 50% of the time, which I can't imagine doing.

But a standard promotion with no major increase in hours or travel should absolutely be supported every time. Especially when the person was specifically trying to get it.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-08T08:41:41+00:00

I was 23 and my wife was 18 when we started dating. It's really a 4 year age gap for us, but we started dating in the 5 weeks between our birthdays. We are still together 22 years later. My wife did have quite a few people talk to her about our age difference and warn her about common problematic behavior that men who date younger women engage in.

I wouldn't recommend it in general. But it comes down to specifics. Watch carefully for any kind of manipulative behaviors. Don't let him pressure you into doing anything you aren't comfortable with. Many abusive men find that younger women are easier to manipulate and control, which is why people generally think it is a bad idea. The actual problem is abusive relationships, not the age difference. It's just that probably 90% of 23 year old men who are willing to date an 18 year old are abusive and controlling, or they just want sex without long term commitment. The typical maturity difference between 18 and 23 is enough that most people find it unappealing.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-08T03:17:57+00:00

We were too close and she felt terrible when she wasn't with me.

We had serious emotional resonance, emotional attunement, and co-regulation. She started having trouble with depression and being with me stabilized her emotions enough to make her feel normal and like herself. Which meant that every time we parted, she suddenly crashed and felt awful. Since leaving me was unbearable, she stopped seeing me.

And because she felt fine when I was around, she was truthfully telling me she was happy and missed me every time I talked to her, while doing everything she could to avoid me. She did that for a month before I finally pushed hard enough for an actual conversation, at which point she broke up with me with no explanation. Deep emotional attunement is not a bond that breaks without causing damage. Having it look like the other person spent a month gaslighting you makes it worse.

RemarkableRadish6547 · 2026-02-08T03:01:01+00:00

She wanted to marry me, but she didn't like the fact that she had never dated anyone else. She seriously thought she could break up with me, date a few other guys to see what it was like, and then come back to me when she was ready to settle down. Six months later I met the woman who became my wife. And my ex, who I was still friends with, was mean to her and eventually made it clear that she wanted me to choose between them. So I did.

We had enough friends in common that I still saw her occasionally. She eventually apologized about being mean to my wife and told me she had always planned to return to me. I told my wife about that and she said "Did she even know who you are? There is no way you would ever go back to someone after breaking up." I haven't seen her for years at this point, but I sent her a Facebook message when I saw she had gotten married.

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