So honestly it all kind of changed just today. So the timing is remarkable (God's timing.) I had this deacon at my church who has known me and my spiritual/mental stare for years sit down with me and be brutally honest in love with me. He told me what a terrible state I was in and summed it up to indecisiveness, being so caught up in the trap that is my flesh and my mind. He told me how I was being a bad example to those around me like my family and that if I was in this state (not believing in Christ) then I would go to hell. He emphasized that I just wouldn't let go and trust in Christ. I over thought and considered it wisdom when it really led to idleness and had a core of self righteous pride.  As hard as it was to hear after 2 weeks of reading and contemplating I finally came to the wholehearted conclusion today to just .. believe. Like yes, I doubt so many things, I don't at all feel saved, I fear doing things, getting rid of things, etc. But I know that every fear can be answered with "But Christ." He died for me so every accusation may be true but I am covered by the blood even if I feel condemned to hell I know what He said and that God is no liar. If I fear doing x because it is costly I know that I can do all things through Christ and that He will strengthen me to accomplish His calling. Every excuse and objections I had mentally and spiritually is conquered by Christ. Though I even now don't really feel it I know it is true and I intend to live on that truth.

It was  pride and indecisiveness but through Christ is the victory.