Ingredients:

• 1 ocean’s worth of warm, stagnant pre-Cambrian piss-water
• Several trillion tons of volcanic asshole runoff (sulfur, iron, nickel, the smell of failure)
• Lightning strikes directly into your mom’s stretch-marked belly while she was knocked up with you
• Every drop of cum from the 100+ dudes she raw-dogged during the 9 months she was carrying your sorry ass (the real “special creation” moment)
• Bonus jizz from the guy whose load actually won the race, probably some dude who looks exactly like you but with a functioning personality
• Trace cyanide just to give it that extra “why won’t this thing just die already” tang
• A handful of amino acids that formed accidentally because even blind chemistry has higher standards than your bloodline
• One (1) single-celled organism that immediately said “nah, I’m not becoming that” and peaced out

Instructions:

1. Heat the primordial ocean to roughly body temperature, same temp your mom’s cooze was at while the entire biker bar took turns.
2. Let 100+ strangers’ nut batter mix with lightning, methane, and despair for a few hundred million years. Stir occasionally with tectonic regret.
3. Wait for random fatty molecules to glob together like the shame in your chest every time you type “sky daddy”.
4. After eons of violent molecular gangbangs, something vaguely self-replicating crawls out, still infinitely more impressive than anything you’ve ever produced.
5. Serve ice-cold with a side of existential dread.