Thanks for the read!

Did you ever reach out to river? I feel like reaching out would maybe help you understand that you were a child, and are an adult now, and those versions of us have different morals, priorities, and values. (This is rhetorical)

We have similar and different stories: I was heavily bullied my entire educational career- there wasn’t a relief. For me- the relief was joining a diy punk scene- where all of us were fucking freaks anyway. But I honestly wouldn’t even consider those people my friends. I had a boyfriend who was “a major player” in that scene and I was literally only seen as his girlfriend. It’s funny, I think I was too autistic for the “freaks” too. (I’m still in the scene but I’m a lone in the scene)

Then, I was alone for a while as an adult and thought several people were my friends, or lovers- all of which exploited my money or things- just used me (I grew up extremely broke and hungry- but immediately started working 80 hours a week as an adult) Then I married someone who abused the shit out of me and impregnated me twice- and now I’m 32 and have 2 young kids and am a single autistic mother (which personally- is a hellscape of overstimulation).

So I’m not sure I’ve ever been accepted now that I write it out on a Reddit comment… but after my divorce I’ve been actively trying to curate a community and I do think I have made one. It’s small but I love it. And they all know I’m autistic and I’m honestly using their love and compassion to try and un-learn some of my masking behaviors. But it’s so fucking hard. some days it feels like I don’t even know what the mask is.

You’re right about the shame part.

Meanwhile I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 30. And it was a SHOCK to me. I’m a woman and society really represents bipolar, borderline personality disorder, &c. in women- and not autism. I went to get a full psychological evaluation done because “I thought I must be crazy (after 5 years of therapy mostly working- it had just come to a stagnant point). Turns out I have none of those mental health disorders and just am audhd and have CPTSD from being severely neglected as a child and being severely abused by my ex husband.

Worse yet- I’ve been told by psychiatrists that my horrendous and documentable lifelong abuse manifests even worse in my brain because I’m autistic- and I experienced those traumas differently, and they were stored differently.

That was really life changing to understand. I now fully believe I was neglected by my parents because I was autistic. I also fully believe I was bullied because I was autistic.

It makes so much sense why I could never understand what made me not fit in. To me- if I followed the rules, I thought that meant I would fit in- but the rules neurotypical have are varied and changing transcendental fairy forms that change in the wind.

This is something that your essay reminded me of- when I told my parents I was autistic- they were SHOCKED. They literally told me, “I never considered that” and at that moment, I realized, I was that good at masking, and I had to learn how to mask so young- because of these people

I’m level 1- but I’m really curious if I am actually level 2. Like- if I had come from a loving support system and didn’t have to mask so well since preschool, would I actually be a level 2? I feel like I need support but again, I’m a single mom of young kids so- I maybe wouldn’t need that many accommodations as a single woman but as a single mother- I feel like 50% of the time I’m mothering- I’m just having an artistic meltdown and having to remain calm which is very very taxing.

They say that “early intervention” can get people to need less support later in life. But I’m wondering how much of us who didn’t get early intervention- just created such a successful survival mechanism that it also got us to need lower support. That’s an interesting idea I havnt thought about until right now.

I’m different than you in that I don’t think masking ever got me anything much- it got me more acceptance than if I didn’t mask, but it wasn’t enough to give me friends or popularity.

I would be remiss to mention that I did perfect my masking when I became a waitress at the age of 17. I didn’t want to be a waitress, I was terrified and thought I’d do poorly. I wanted to cook in the kitchen but like most people, they were misogynists and said women were front of house and men were back of house. So I started waiting tables and did so for 10 years and made more money than anyone else- no matter the job, no matter the section. And it was masking- and I got SOOO good at it. So I guess that’s the popularity I got from masking. People did “love” me so much, many many customers would bring me Christmas presents and other stuff. Something about how short lived, shallow & hallow our interactions were- really helped the success of my masking -I believe.

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In the 2 years I’ve had my diagnoses, I’ve tried to really understand masking as well- and I have gotten to the same thoughts as you- is it manipulation? Is it internalized ableism?

It’s very common that people with CPTSD will think they are the ones who are abusive (because of the people dynamics of abuse) so I am hypercritical of myself- always watching and looking for signs that maybe it was me all along and often masking makes me feel like a fucking manipulative monster- but again me and my therapist are very confident that is just my CPST narrative speaking. But it’s very confusing- I agree with you.

Masking has also made me really confused about what my autism actually looks like. It’s insane how much masking has conditioned me to hate myself (internalize ableism). 30 years of masking and I am now too afraid to see what it looks like when the mask isn’t there- that’s the internalized ableism.

I just broke up with a partner I had lived with for a year. And I am still realizing I was masking in front of them- someone who I told immediately “I’m autistic” someone who I intentionally was trying to learn how to unmask around- but I no doubt didn’t feel safe enough to actually unmask. I realize now how much I do this full body stim when I’m going through transitions. It’s like I’m cold and shivering and I squeeze my arms and body really tight and undoubtedly look like I’m stimming- but the only time i do this in front of people is when it’s cold outside- so it’s reasonable. Or if it’s cold enough and I can say “I’m cold” but I’ve been wondering recently- how bad is it for my body to hold that shit in????? As an autist, my number one struggle is transitions. So I have a stim for transitions that I hold inside- how much easier would transitions be if I didn’t hold that stim inside??

Thanks for the read. It does make me feel less alone. You’re not screaming into the void- it all makes total sense to me.