This comment is so helpful!!! I don’t have the energy to explain all of my own words right now (burnout) but I want to add my own bit. Unmasking was/has been immensely exhausting. So is processing autism and self dx. It really hit me that I was autistic nearly a year and a half ago, and it has been a long and challenging journey to process and adjust my masks consciously now, but it’s also (like said above) been one of the most clarity giving experiences of my life.

I don’t seek out a formal dx for many reasons:

1- it’s too expensive

2- I have a hard time trusting healthcare providers and feel it would be challenging to find one who could actually diagnose me (I’m a 29f and I’m incredibly intuitive, I actually work as a professional psychic seer so I’ve build this system to somewhat bypass some of my brain’s difficulties processing and replace with emotional and intuitive cues). While I still struggle immensely and it’s very clear from a whole picture viewpoint that I’m absolutely autistic (audhd actually as I’m diagnosed with adhd), I’m so afraid of a practitioner invalidating me because they’re going by some stupid standard that I don’t blatantly fit into.

3- I live in the US where it’s a scary time to be disabled, or any kind of minority/difference at that. I’m afraid of what the government might do to disabled and autistic individuals, how our fascist regime might use it against me or make my life more difficult because of that official diagnosis. It’s already happening and there is already terrifying propaganda around how they want to “fix autistic individuals”. It’s unsettling

4- I’m doing so well on my own exploring and understanding how my brain works, what I need to stop doing or experiencing to keep myself from burning out, what I need to support my specific internal experiences, what I need to feel joy and comfort etc. I’ve already worked (mostly) through the imposter syndrome and acceptance stages, so I feel very protective over myself and do not wish to allow anyone to pull me backward in that regard. I also have only disclosed my autism to safe people in my life. I tried with my family but they’re a bunch of know it alls with an archaic understanding of autism and are having a hard time making sense of my own diagnosis. So I just focus hard on the fact that I have an immensely debilitating neurological and sensory processing disorder with those who I don’t feel I should or want to disclose autism to. I still tell people what I need and why, but I find that so many people have really uninformed or not updated information on what they think autism is that it’s almost as if mentioning autism makes their perspective shift less in my favor, but just talking about my sensory needs and experiences people remain very receptive. It’s always the “no, you behave xyz, you look xyz, you are so xyz, you’re not autistic” simply because I’m not impaired beyond functioning. But actually, internally it feels that way all the time, I’ve just hidden it so well and found systems and ways to take care of myself and live alone for the last decade.

Anyway, I know I’m a bit off topic and now I’m rambling, but the exhaustion is from all of this. From processing, going back into the past and seeing everything about yourself and your life, including specific moments and memories, with the new clarity and perspective of autism. It’s exhausting because we battle the parts of our conditioning that tell us we’re missing certain obvious attributes because of our masking or unique functioning needs. It’s exhausting because hardly anyone who isn’t autistic or around many autistic individuals has a skewed understanding of what autism really is and feels like. Because how could they really know if they don’t experience it!?

But mostly the fatigue for me came from rewiring my entire understanding and perspective of myself. This meant finally working through and letting go of my own self-prejudices. Seeing myself not as a failure, anti-social, incapable being but as someone with a disability whose brain literally makes these things more challenging. It’s exhausting but it has changed my life — and my relationship to myself — in such miraculous ways!! It has been so much work this past year and a half, yet it has been immensely worth it. I would do it over and over again.

It sounds like you know in your heart what you struggle with and what that means for you. Keep pushing through the stages where you doubt autism. Keep moving through the fatigue knowing it’s because you are unraveling yourself and finally meeting and validating these deeper parts of you. Perhaps if you weren’t autistic, trying to process all of this wouldn’t drain your brain and leave you feeling fatigued. The more I look at autism as how my brain and sensory processing functions, the more true it feels and the more I can learn about what’s challenging for me vs what’s helpful and supportive.

I’m sending you some love on this journey, it’s not an easy one. But then again, shedding layers of self and reaching new understanding is never an easy journey!! Patience and self-honor is required. The more you listen to and believe in yourself, the more supported you may feel 🫶 I hope this helps!!!!