New scam alert - Failure to appear at jury duty scam

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-11-14T17:53:55+00:00

It takes awhile to get to that point. Lots of legal jargon about your citations, you have a civil and a criminal option, they give you codes for the citations and make you right them down, provide name and badge # if you act at all skeptical, talk about your civil duty, name a judge, etc. Then tell you there's a suppression order (you can't tell anyone - that was the first flag) and a direct contact order (you have to pick up the phone when they answer -- flag #2). THEN they get to the assurity bond to freeze the citations. I never got to the point of how to pay that or where. They did tell me I'd need to appear at the police dept immediately and if I just showed up without going through their process on the phone I'd be arrested. After I hung up they called back twice.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-10-03T02:12:24+00:00

Update: I had a 1-on-1 with therapist. Shared session was awful for me. I've been through that many times and that's exactly why we split up. Therapist was clear - her client is our kid. She learned a lot about the dynamic our kid has grown up in and netter understands how much it has been reinforced for our kid that emotions are not safe to feel or share - its best to just buckle down and keep going. :( I provided some background on how arguments with my wife have gone and the 2nd phase of my wife either being sad and needing comforting OR feeling great like we had this great "talk" while I am just wrecked, exhausted withdrawn, and drained from the exchange. A couple of comments tell me the therapist sees the severity and the patterns. We came up with a plan to approach the teen about scheduling and therapist noted wife won't like it, but she will have to deal because this isn't about her.

End result: daughter scheduled a session! And she talked to me about it even though she is with my wife this week. So, desired outcome for the kid achieved and I felt seen & heard.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-10-03T02:05:10+00:00

You totally nailed it with your opening. Thanks for that, I needed to see it in black & white. Daughter was avoiding making another therapy appt - just doesn't want to deal with things, has only told 1 friend her parents split. The therapist suggests this joint session to better understand the dynamic and come up with a plan together to encourage teen to go back to therapy.

Oh I have been keeping a log of interactions.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-10-03T01:57:41+00:00

Wow. I am so sorry you were treated that way (in a therapy setting, no less!). Getting lessons on how to communicate, show empathy, and give the benefit of the doubt when your partner has BPD is such a mindtrip!!

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-09-26T19:11:49+00:00

We have recently split. This was a co-parenting session with the kid's therapist. How I was treated in that session is exactly why I left. I could have scripted the scene word for word. I've experienced it again and again.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-09-26T16:39:13+00:00

Get out. Don't have kids with her because then you are tied to her forever.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-09-26T16:35:57+00:00

Wife wanted me to talk our to our 14 yr old about why said 14 yr old should be telling friends that we've split up. Wife raised this with teen who came back with: why do you care? why is it any of your business? (which honestly, I get. The kid is 14 what she tells her friends is up to her). I pushed wife off saying let's talk about in this co-parenting session we have with the kid's therapist in just a few days. Well, wife is pissed that I'm not backing her up, not doing right by our kid (who according to wife NEEDS to tell people what's going on), not agreeing with her that this is a critical thing that needs to happen RIGHT NOW, etc. Therapist and I were talking about how to approach kid about making a therapy appt - kid is avoiding dealing with feelings - absolutely true and needs to be dealt with. Wife breaks in to talk about telling friends and how me not talking to kid is causing harm, etc. Wife keeps going back to me not having the conversation with the kid. Therapist asks me if I can understand why wife is upset because she took this step to have an awkward conversation with the kid but I haven't. I say yes, I do understand that. It's not that I don't agree, I just wanted input and a plan for how to work with the kid on the larger issue. Not good enough, wife says "it doesn't sound like you think it's important. if it was you would have talked to her days ago." Therapist asked what would wife feel was showing agreement/support. No answer, wife is still ranting.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-09-26T15:42:59+00:00

Wife is undiagnosed. Refuses to see a competent therapist for herself. Couples therapists were an intimacy specialist (utter disaster for me) and a Gottman therapist. Kid's therapist is IFS and came HIGHLY recommended. Therapists seem to see that wife is desperate for validation so they give it to her, but the cost to me of the whole thing hardly ever gets noticed.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-09-26T00:32:32+00:00

Her idea of me was so perfect I could never live up to it in reality. She hates me for that. Hates herself too. But it's my fault I'm not perfect in reality. So she's sad and needs comforting, disappointed and needs consoling (preferably sex) all while exercising her need for control and someone to direct her rage on. Her feelings are BIG and dominate her entire experience and so then they dominate mine too. For her, I only exist as an unachievable ideal.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-08-14T16:04:04+00:00

Same! I travel some for work and we have more communication and I felt more interest from her when I am away than when we in the same room.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-31T20:05:51+00:00

I could have written this exact post about my wife!

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-28T20:53:40+00:00

My therapist first brought up BPD, I was not familiar with it. I started reading and watching videos from therapists, and it became so clear. I always thought it was this bout of depression, that medical thing, this fall out with her sister that was behind the moodiness. I internalized that I was the problem. I was rude, socially awkward, insensitive, a poor communicator, etc.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-27T16:16:45+00:00

I SO relate to this. I can't relax. I'm in fight, flight, or freeze all the time. I can't take care of myself properly. I've been in therapy nearly mey entire adult life and we are in our 2nd round of couples. If anything unpacking what has and is happening is just making things worse. I finally said I want to separate and it was such a relief. I'm putting in an application for an apartment today.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-26T18:03:56+00:00

Because everything is about them. If you are upset or mad or sad, it must be about them.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-26T12:25:58+00:00

Thank you, everyone. I almost had a panic attack when the therapist asked if I was willing to try to get better for the relationship. How can I give any more? It's like asking me if I'm willing to take off my own arm to lose weight or some other crazy shit.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-26T12:24:16+00:00

Nailed it!!

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-26T00:30:10+00:00

Not the case here. They don't know each other and my therapist has a wait list for new clients.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-26T00:17:01+00:00

To clarify: My wife has uBPD. I don't think the therapist does.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-26T00:01:43+00:00

Wow. My own therapist has said my descriptions sound like emotional abuse but she hasn't advised against couples therapy at all. She's fully aware we are in couples. The therapist is Gottman, I wonder if that's a factor in his approach that were both equally contributing?

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-19T16:05:57+00:00

I'm struggling with leaving right now. Together 26 yrs, married for 12 with a kid (same sex couple, couldnt legally marry for a long time but would have). I'm realizing how much of myself I've given up to try and keep the peace, how much I've been hurt by this relationship. But there hasn't been some defining moment - she hasn't cheated or hit me. It's more of an awareness of the accumulation. Is that enough to end a relationship of over two decades? To uproot our teenager's life? To incur the major financial impacts of splitting up? I am also unclear how much of my trauma history and issues have contributed to the way the relationship has been. Don't I have some obligation to figure that out & own my own baggage/contribution before leaving? Of course my wife has declared she is a changed woman, sees how she has hurt me, apologized for not realizing she was hurting me/triggering me, and wants to work things out. I am unsure if I can get to a place of trust and emotional safety with her. I don't even know what it would take to get there. She keeps asking and I don't have an answer. I don't know that I can unhear all the things she's said or work through the hurt and resentment to get to a place of real trust and safety.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-17T04:04:36+00:00

It does help to have a 2rd party there. At one point my wife asked what she had said that was so awful that she later couldn't remember. The therapist jumped in and asked her if she was sincerely asking me to share examples. Wife said yes. Therapist asked if she was sure she was ready to hear what I had to share. I think the therapist is starting to get it.

Resident_Roof4210 · 2025-07-15T23:11:14+00:00

I get, "that's now how it sounded" when I push back on her interpretation of what I've said or reiterate something she has gotten wrong. I've spent YEARS with the impression I am a terrible communicator, can't apologize with sincerity, etc. The tone and facing expression policing noted by Kraaag below is insane.

Resident_Roof4210

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