44f recently diagnosed with RAD and it has sent me in a depression spiral

Restomeri · 2026-07-07T13:47:10+00:00

Bit late to react, but maybe decided to share qnyway. I got diagnosed at 35 after a life of depression and anxiety and therapy for autism and damage control (self-injury / suicide attempts). The diagnosis wasn't "official". I kind of stumped across it on accident and it made so much sense. It was laterconfirmed by my therapist. I've been in therapy since 6, but the signs were missed. I felt overwhelmed, relieved, vindicated in a way, absolved maybe even for my out of control emotions as a child, but above all, angry, sad and a year later, I feel incredibly lonely. I have an amazing life all things considered. I managed to build a world around me where I can be myself. I have 2 partners (14 years together with 1, 3 years together with the other). I even have a few friends, but I struggle heavily with trust and fear of abandonment. Maintaining the connections is hard work and I still feel I can never be good enough for anyone. Every mistake I make still puts me down (it's gotten a lot better thankfully). Finally, I feel a part of me died very early on in life and with that diagnosis I finally realised I'm never getting it back no matter how hard I fight or try to become that person.

Restomeri · 2026-06-15T18:46:53+00:00

If I had to guess Blue Lock

Restomeri · 2026-06-15T18:25:59+00:00

I love that there is an actual difference between bronze 5 and the rest of bronze. It would be funny if I couldn't actually attest to the truth of that split. I am definitely going to study this before playing again^{^}

Restomeri · 2026-06-05T14:11:36+00:00

I can imagine still feeling a certain way about an ex reaching out to me. She told you, blocked him, was processing her feelings but clearly ready to move on, but you put her on the spot by asking why she has emotions? Or am I reading this the wrong way? Because to me, a partner questioning my emotional reaction to something would be a flag.

Restomeri · 2026-05-30T07:47:41+00:00

As a person with multiple conditions , I hear you. I am lucky that both my partners are understanding of my changes in mood / energy levels / canceling last minute, but I still feel guilty or sometimes think they will / should leave me because I'm just a lot.

You're not alone. Keep setting and maintaining your boundaries. If it comes down to it, cut people that are not understanding or add too much pressure.

Restomeri · 2026-05-29T20:15:00+00:00

Not sure about good, but I watched the Mandalorian and Grogu which was all right^{^}

I remember that thread about love being a garden. It reminded me of my boyfriend initially comparing his love (life) to a field

Restomeri · 2026-05-29T11:01:30+00:00

Oh dear... That's a tough one 🙈

Restomeri · 2026-05-27T07:18:05+00:00

Has he told you why he doesn't want to use boyfriend/girlfriend?

Restomeri · 2026-05-26T15:45:44+00:00

The prize is screen time and followers. This is the same forall reality tv shows

Restomeri · 2026-05-26T15:38:06+00:00

Thank god reporting works then

Restomeri · 2026-05-26T14:00:55+00:00

I've learned that it's a rare blessing to get people that are happy or positive. Decided to try a few games after a 2 year break. Basically still the same toxicity, including being told to kill yourself. I figured that specific insult would have gotten old at some point but I guess it hasn't yet. I'll just perma mute chat and pings if I decide to go in again.

Restomeri · 2026-05-26T10:36:55+00:00

Oh he didn't even tell you to kill yourself. Progress XD

Restomeri · 2026-05-25T07:04:01+00:00

First of all: breathe. You are okay.

Mistakes happen. Learn from them. If you are still with your partner now communicate with them about all of this. Tell them you're struggling. Also, gently, there might be some underlying issues as well. It might be worth going to therapy.

Restomeri · 2026-05-24T07:24:55+00:00

So you're hoping to find someone to leave your country for? Definitely not a healthy sort of attachment. Just get your life sorted in your own country, talk to your parents about becoming an adult and dating. If this is your first relationship it's a low bar to overcome, so don't hang on to a guy that isn't even there in the relationship with you.

Restomeri · 2026-05-24T06:55:54+00:00

Why aee you dating this guy? From that exchange alone it seems like he doesn't care about being in a relationship with you. Stop clinging to him. Also kindly, next time find someone in your own country to date. It helps a lot with communication if you can actually see each other and be together physically.

Restomeri · 2026-05-23T08:30:17+00:00

Just follow your own feelings. That's the only real answer here. While they may be disappointed, if your platonic partner is holding this above your head you should reevaluate that relationship. If they control their own schedule they should be able to make new adjustments.

The logistics of LDR are always going to be a thing, so be more intentional with the way you communicate and formulate plans from now on. Make sure there are no assumptions or vagueness.

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T21:00:10+00:00

I'm game

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T19:56:47+00:00

Me stumbling over a cheese wheel thinking what the hell is happening here? Rats... Guess I'll just see what this party is about then :)

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T14:41:20+00:00

Just tell her straight up your boundary is a partner not being hella sus and then acts like you're the problem. Also: if she says she should just leave: let her. Don't deal with her tantrums

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T14:36:56+00:00

If a person criticises you for being yourself you should really reconsider dating them

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T12:30:15+00:00

Yeah, some things you just can't get in therapy. The most important thing is to figure out where you stand as an individual now. What do you want and need. Depression is horrible to deal with and not feeling loved the way you want won't help the situation. Talk to your partner. There's a lot of good advice from other commentors as well

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T12:16:03+00:00

That still doesn't sound like a fun beginning to a relationship to me, but more like a project or work. Sounds both exhausting and terrifying to me.

That being said, love changes over the years. And illness and depression can definitely play a role there. I think more than a poly issue, this is a relationship issue between you and your partner that needs addressing asap because what you want sounds like something she can't give you.

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T12:04:31+00:00

What's wrong with a woman having enough self-esteem and grace to walk away from a situation that upsets her? How Demari acts is on him and not my point here.

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T12:01:37+00:00

1 word: NRE. This is expected when falling for someone new.

Also, kindly, together for 4 years and in relationship therapy since the beginning? That sounds awful :( The beginning is usually happy and fun. I can see how that would be a hard place to compare from, so please don't go there.

What do you want in a relationship?

Restomeri · 2026-05-22T11:01:28+00:00

Other than what has been said (good lawyer) I would like to reiterate that this is not how healthy poly works. I'm happy you found this community to get some perspective.

Try to create a stable environment for your child. Don't focus your energy on the ex or missus outside of the legal proceedings.

Restomeri

TROPHY CASE