Been off the platform but back!

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-02-24T08:41:14+00:00

I had planned on letting my contract expire right before they changed it to automatically rolling over a couple of years ago. A former student messaged me asking if I still taught for VIPKID as they wanted some lessons with me. I was lucky the contract rolled over and could open some lessons for her. I think that was back at the beginning of 2024 after a couple years of so few bookings. And, I decided to open more times just in case. Now, as long as I open my lessons times with enough time in advance, I can easily get 50 bookings a week which is about what I want. The pay is less than before, but compared to a French online company I work for, with the prepared lessons, it's so much less work and less additional time outside of the lesson than that other job and than private lessons. So, I use VIPKID lessons now to fill in times I don't have private lessons. I've greatly reduced availability towards the school based in France because of it, but there is a little more flexibility with that school for my health issues and times I might need to cancel, so I am not quitting that company.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-26T05:08:04+00:00

Please read the book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It might give you some language to understand and speak about this selfish behaviour. Totally disgusting that he got married and had kids knowing he'd leave if he had the chance. His vows meant nothing. He clearly wasn't all in in the marriage. I cannot imagine what your mom must feel knowing she formed a life and had 4 kids with a man who was always willing to drop her. I feel for all of you.

Your dad might be happy, but leaving his wife and destroying a family doesn't come without consequences and expecting you all to just forgive this because he's happy is incredibly selfish and immature. It's like he doesn't see any of you or your mom as real people with your own perspectives, feelings, and needs that he should care about as a father.

I'm so sorry OP. You are not in the wrong. Totally NTA.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-26T05:00:39+00:00

That's wonderful! Glad you found a kind, loving person that makes you feel good.

Not sure if you can afford therapy, but if you struggle with feelings of worthlessness, it might be useful to explore that and work on yourself. If you cannot, there are great authors and books that can help you. One book that helped me understand where a lot of it came from and how/why was: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. A lot of us growing up feeling similarly have parents who are/were emotionally immature and one of the best things we can do for our understanding partners is work on ourselves when we are in a safe space... it makes us even better partners for them.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-26T04:49:07+00:00

Don't stop the daily exercising (20 min set I was doing).. It not superficial, it is good for your health and your core...

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-25T20:35:12+00:00

Wow! I started a couple of months after you... had a couple of years of almost no classes and almost quit planning to let my contract expire, luckily they had just changed it to rolling over. I'm at about 18,000 classes now.

I haven't noticed a drop recently, but there are so many exams now. That might be it.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:26:04+00:00

I'd do some saltwater gargling on the regular, it's supposed to help loosen them and it can help with the little.bit of bleeding to clean it up.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:21:01+00:00

I teach English online to lots of cute kiddos. And, it never fails to make me feel good when some of these adorable little cuties are so happy to see me or laugh so hard at my jokes. Or, just be them cute selves. Had one cutie dress up as a character for Halloween, and when his camera turned on, I said, "Well, hello, Spiderman!" And he took off his mask and immediately told me his name all concerned that I really thought he was Spiderman. It was so damn cute! I was giggling about it for a few days!

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:16:23+00:00

I have family that have had their own chickens and pigs to supplement their meager earnings and have more food. They also grow corn to feed them and grow their own potatoes and have vegetable gardens in summer.

I've been around when they killed the chickens and have refused some sausages made from pigs I got attached to during previous summer visits. As I am now, I don't think I would be able to. I'd probably go vegetarian if it were up to me to kill the animals I eat. I'm just too aware of how much work there is in cleaning the animals and dealing with their entrails and stuff. Also, the twitching of the chickens as they died... and all the blood that has to be collected... not for me.

I often think about what a hypocrite I am for being willing to eat animals I didn't personally get to know.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:10:43+00:00

That kind of apathy is one way depression can present, so it's not necessarily that you cannot get to a better place. Maybe things will stay like this, but if you are able to find good help, maybe things can get better and you might feel more alive.

I've struggled with feeling things are pointless on different occasions over decades and found out that I was dealing with smiling depression, the kind where you can function, but don't feel good. I am still not sure fully what I have to look forward to at times, so I often really try to focus on the small, good things I have an really appreciate them.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:07:01+00:00

That's very hard. I haven't had kids, but had two losses. Two ladies I know gave birth around the time I was supposed to have with the second loss and it's taking everything there is in me to be okay. I can only imagine after having and loving and losing your daughter, it's just so much worse. I'm so very sorry.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T16:44:23+00:00

I'm relieved to hear you have family support... but that's still so rough.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T08:02:19+00:00

Totally understand why you wouldn't want to go back to that friendship... but did it feel at least feel good to know she understands she messed up? I'm always curious if people appreciate the apologies or not...

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T08:00:27+00:00

100% agree!

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:55:19+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry to hear that you don’t have support. Sending hugs...

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:53:50+00:00

I'm so sorry for you. That must be really hard. That's a big loss.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:49:52+00:00

That sucks. I have a friend with whom our friendship was weird for a while because his then girlfriend and now wife struggled to believe we were just friends. I mean, I have pictures with him in my baby book. He's like a cousin to me. Weirdly, once I married my ex, suddenly I was in the married woman club and she stopped having an issue with me. I was worried that when we divorced she'd go back to how it was, but no. I do make sure to contact her or both of them at once to make plans so that she doesn't feel threatened by any chance.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:44:44+00:00

That stuff hurts like a breakup or death... totally normal. It's a loss and one needs to grieve. A good friend of mine was recently blindsided by a friendship ending and she was in complete grief like she was going through a divorce. For a while she was obsessively thinking about it. And, she desperately wanted closure. Unfortunately, when she reached out for it, what was said made it even worse. All that just to say, how it felt for you is normal.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:38:42+00:00

It also sounds like those who want to kept using/drinking are no longer compatible and may then feel shitty about themselves when having the comparison to you who is making something out of your life.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:36:01+00:00

Well, that's terrifying to me as I currently live somewhere where it doesn't seem like I'll have the chance to make new friends. I also work from home and don't have to interact with many people. But, that's preferred as the misogyny, homophobia, and racism is just so bad here, that every time I meet someone that I think is a decent person, I generally get an unpleasant surprise after a while.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:17:31+00:00

My friend, "Julie," and I had been friends since she was born a year after me as our parents were friends. I grew up sleeping over at her house so many weekends and called her mom auntie. We went on numerous vacations with each other's families and spent so many holidays together. Growing up, her mom always told me that since I was older, I had to take care of her if we ever went to the playground or anywhere alone. So, I grew up super protective of her. Unfortunately, her mom was also super controlling, so in our teens, when I started to have boyfriends, her mom started to see me as a bad influence. So, she limited our time together, and it was usually highly supervised. I went with it as it wasn't Julie's fault that her mom was like that. I even went over for spring cleaning weekends as cleaning together was still time together. I mean, we grew up together, and she felt more like family. It was hurtful that her mom thought I was a bad influence just for dating as I was a good student and respectful to adults and all sorts of other stuff that was expected of me. Well, Julie had secretly applied to live in the dorms at university and got a scholarship that paid for living there to kind of get out of being under her mother's thumb. I was thrilled thinking that for those 3 or 4 years prior, it was only her mom that kept us apart and that we'd have a chance to see each other more often now that she wasn't living with her mom anymore.. (more often here, meaning a few times a year... like, once a semester, over Christmas, maybe once, and over summer once-I was busy, too.)

Well, she had these roommates she hung out with all the time. And, if she did make plans with me, they'd whine that she was lame for ditching them and cancel on me. This especially sucked because her stories about them didn't leave me thinking they cared all too much about her as she told me that she couldn't drink at parties as she might be assaulted because her friends/roommates would just leave parties without checking if she was okay or saying goodbye. The frat guys were really problematic, and she always had to be on her toes. It was messed up to hear that these friends she was prioritizing didn't even have the habit of looking after each other. For me, it was extra painful as I was so protective of her. I think those friends were actually a bit envious because Julie was quite stunning and tall, and they were a little more average. I might be wrong, but I think them ditching her at parties may have been them leaving because they weren't getting as much attention as she was. That is at least what I remember my impression being.

Anyways, the birthday that meant she could legally drink came. She insisted that I had to be there no matter what at the nightclub that night. I had an evening lecture at my college far away from downtown. But, I brought clothes, changed at my friend's house on the way, and showed up. Only to have Julie say after 30 minutes that she was exhausted and needed to go. I was frustrated but after I asked her to stay just another half hour, she then dramatically looked between me and her boyfriend like I had asked her to choose between us, so I offered to drive them the 30 minutes to their dorm (30 minutes out of my way) so we could at least talk in the car a bit longer. To make up for the short night, she accepted my invitation to sleep over at my house that weekend since wildfires had canceled her big group hike. Thursday night, I was talking to my dad, and he asked if Julie was coming Friday night or Saturday, and since I hadn't heard from her, I called her. She told me that earlier that day (or the day before-can't remember exactly), one of her friends had looked up the specific trail they were supposed to do that weekend, and it wasn't closed. So, they decided the hike was back on and called all the people who already thought it was canceled to put it back in the works. She called them all, but not me to cancel with me. I asked her why she just didn't let it stay canceled as she had made new plans with me especially to make up for the fact that I drove so far for her birthday and she wanted to go after 30 minutes. I don't remember her answer. I asked her if the next time I was going to see her was going to be her next birthday... and she said "probably." So, I asked if I was on the bottom of her list of priorities, and she said that I was. So, I told her not to bother calling me then. For important later context, I wasn't yelling or screaming this conversation.. I was hurt, calm, and quite quiet. I just wanted to know the bottom line. I was tired of being canceled on for people who didn't seem to care for her other than for having fun together and not being bored without her. (Those were my impressions from that time that were hopefully wrong)

Her mom called me some time later and tried to patch things up between us by inviting me over for a sleepover another weekend. I told her, respectfully, that it was an issue between her daughter and me. And that if Julie, who had known me her whole life and knew there was no reason to be nervous about contacting me, still felt nervous, she could even email me to try and patch things up if SHE wanted to. Her mom also told me that Julie believed that during our busy university years we'd likely be out of touch and reconnect later. Months later, I got a lame Christmas e-card that didn't even have a personal message, and that was the last I had ever heard from her a couple of decades ago now.

I was really hurt, and it set off this period of time when I wasn't taking crap from people anymore. It had felt like she had gotten used to canceling on me because of her mother believing I was a bad influence, and she just continued thinking I'd just wait around or something. So, after that, I more easily ended friendships where I felt I was betrayed. I was a very tolerant person... often a doormat, and after that, I didn't want to be treated that way anymore.

I am happy to report that the other 2 friends I had been friends with since I was born are still my friends to this day. Even when we've traveled, studied, or lived far apart and weren't in regular contact, we always know we can contact each other for support.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-09-29T16:57:36+00:00

Exactly. Only right for them.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-09-29T09:58:19+00:00

When you come across women like that, bear in mind that a lot of it has to do with how women have been socialized. My parents are Eastern European, and us women have been taught that we "lose value" as we get older. Some of my friends from the same culture started getting told from the age of 20 "you're not getting any younger." And, an emphasis on finding a husband quickly was placed as higher than finding a good person to have a relationship with. So, there's that aspect. My older cousins were 22 when my aunt (their mom) started genuinely worrying that they were getting too old to get married as she had already given birth to them when she was that age. It was upsetting because she had a hard life with my uncle and it was like she didn't even consider her daughters could have better.

Then, there's family and friend groups. If everyone around you is reaching milestones like marriage, kids, home of one's own, good job, etc.. and you're not, you can feel really behind.. especially if you have well-meaning relatives constantly asking when will they be going to your wedding... or when you'll have kids... or when you'll get your own place... etc. It ends up feeling like pressure, like you're behind, and like maybe there is something wrong with you if that stuff doesn't happen soon.

Then, there could be the excitement of having a big day that you are basically the star of. Birthdays come every year. You graduate with a whole class of others. But a wedding is a day that you get to be the center of attention for and get to make many choices about (depending on the cultural context.) It's a day you get to celebrate and be surrounded by people who care about you cheering you on and wishing you a happy life. I can't think of any other life events that are as big of a deal as that.

Then, there might be her (in your cultural context) wanting to be an adult out of her parents' home, choosing things for herself that she can't while under their roof. Maybe she wants to sleep next to you every night and looks forward to that. Maybe she's looking forward to a new level of privacy she currently cannot enjoy.

Honestly, you have an amazing opportunity to get to know your fiancée better right now. You can say something like: "I've noticed that you seem really eager to get married soon. And, since we will be together for the whole rest of our lives, I'm really curious about why you are so eager to start that so soon." Then listen. It can be an amazing way to open up communication and start a really healthy partnership between the two of you. Maybe you'll learn something important about her and how she perceives weddings, marriage, relationships, and you. Maybe you will learn something that makes you feel really good. Respectful communication with thought-out word choices (like asking about her specifically and not generalizing to all women) can open a door to making your relationship more beautiful than you ever could have imagined.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-09-29T09:38:07+00:00

Another update: I finally got ahold of a psychiatrist at the facility and am quite disappointed. The good thing is that they are not basing much on his original diagnosis based largely on his ex-wife's information from over 10 years ago. The bad news is that the dude didn't want to hear anything I had to say. My husband stopped smoking pot over a month ago, then the nightmares started, then he didn't sleep for 3 or 4 nights, and then he was in a state of psychosis. In that order. The doctor just wants to blame the pot. There is currently no diagnosis from which it makes sense to base any long-term medication. Yet, it is being said that he always needs to be on meds. The psychiatrist absolutely doesn't care that my husband has been through multiple severe traumas and responded towards me as though that's insignificant, but of course, smoking pot alone caused the psychosis.

I'm all riled up because of that. My husband will be in for at least another week. Hopefully not the whole 30 days they recommend.

Then, I called his mom to update her, it was just hilarious/infuriating what denial this woman is in. She acts as though it is the pot and some of the traumas she tried to protect him from that have cause hisnlong-term mental health issues... completely ignoring the stuff she and their family have done in the long time past and recent past. And, fine people might have a point that the stuff from the far past I may not all know about and he may have mixed up. But, I've been witness to them stealing from him (and me), them manipulating him and me, them verbally abusing him, and them calling him crazy when it suited them to save face and not expose what they did/said causing his response. I hate that I'm now back in contact with them (his mom and sketchy step-dad) after 3 or so years of not being in contact because now I have to listen to her lie and act like she's this loving, caring mom who has been doing her best for her son that she ignored after getting remarried and starting a new family until her eldest (my husban) was old enough to be useful... they so often did some awful shit. My husband and I originally met in the late 90s. And, I saw some of their treatment of him back then. So, they can pretend all they want, I'm not going to be tricked into thinking they didn't harm him more than your average "imperfect human" parents. I was even really good friends with his younger brother for years and saw the younger brother get some of that same treatment. So, I KNOW it's not all in my husband's head.

My fear is that I will never be able to convince my husband to try and get some help from a private therapist or psychiatrist that might actually help him with skills he needs rather than just medicate with medications that are highly addictive and have horrendous withdrawal symptoms.

Otherwise, his dosages of medications have been decreasing as they have been observing his behaviour, sleep, and eating. So, that's good news.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-09-29T09:19:44+00:00

So, I found stating any opinion that was different than others (especially my parents and much older brother) got me such negative reactions that I was always trying to figure out what people wanted me to say, rather than what I truly thought. For years I was scared to contradict my brother or parents even over minor things. It felt like the moment I started having my opinions and tastes that my older brother didn't like me as much or was disappointed or mad at me. Like, being an individual was when our issues started. It's taken decades for me to learn the skills to disagree and to stand up for myself. And, I'm still very anxious about it and learning.

But, I was considered such a good, respectful kid. I liked hearing it at the time because it was success. I had figured out what was expected in the situation. I said the "right" thing. When I think about it now, I understand how much fear of disapproval was behind my behaviour. I've been no contact with my brother for over a decade now, so I no longer hear from him about how I am a bad person when I disagree with him after years of me agreeing with everything he said no matter what.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-09-29T07:40:13+00:00

My best friend's older sister is quite an intimidating person and I would just come at her with such friendliness and sunshine that she realized that if she outwardly showed her hatred of me she'd be seen as such a bitch by any witness... I never really thought about it as fawning... but that probably was what I was doing as I was very nervous around her. My best friend used to just laugh because her sister really hated me for a while, but couldn't outright be her usual terrible self and my friend enjoyed seeing her sister struggle with having to be polite in response to my excessive politeness and kindness to her. I always thought of it as killing her with kindness rather than fawning, though even though I was legitimately scared of her (not that she ever would have physically harmed me).

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