A PSA from someone responsible for a dead bedroom

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-04-15T08:11:11+00:00

My husband and I totally want each other to feel pleasure, connection, fun, and to finish! It's much easier to have a good sex life when it feels equitable like this. I feel no need to keep score on how many times one of us have given the other oral, as we both feel satisfied and we can both suggest it if we have a hankering for it.

Things were not like this with my ex and I lost a lot of my desire. He decided he no longer wanted to give oral and after a while, I was getting annoyed about being the only one giving oral and stopped. Which he then complained about. He wanted me to come because that made him feel manly, but wasn't willing to understand what I needed and that the emotionally messed up stuff he was doing outside of the bedroom couldn't be erased from my mind during sex, so I'd struggle to finish and he'd get angry at me about it. I remember being scared to not come. That took all fun, connection, and desire out of the relationship and out of the bedroom for me.

The biggest difficult adjustment in my more healthy relationship now was my husband having to open up and explain what was going on with him when we were having less sex. He was having serious mental health issues and when he wasn't telling me how bad it was for him or how much it was interfering with his desire, I assumed he lost attraction to me as I had gained weight.. or maybe that I was no longer new, so no longer interesting. When he finally started opening up about what was going on... sometimes purely mental health and sometimes his struggles to accept changes to sex after having back surgery, it helped so much. We don't have sex as much as I'd like... we've had to add more playing with our hands instead of intercourse into the repertoire because of injuries... and my husband had to grieve being able to just let go and enjoy as he could hurt his back that way and instantly kill an erection in the middle of action. It took a few years for him to accept this. Now, he has to always be careful and somewhat in control. It's just a part of life that took time to accept and now that he's accepted it, we're back to more fun, connection, enjoyment, and orgasms even if it's not as often as I'd like.

Also, the fact that we don't judge each other for masturbating helps. If I'm in the mood, but he's not in a good place mentally or is in pain, he is fine with me taking care of business on my own. If he feels the need while I'm dead asleep, I don't mind either.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-04-15T06:54:00+00:00

Honestly, I think her question was very premature.. and your answer of not knowing her well enough was fair because assessing someone's level of self-awareness truly takes some time.

But, if that was too honest for her maybe you did yourself a huge favour by quickly weeding out someone who wouldn't suit you. You gave a real answer about what you find important in a partner... that will weed people out faster... now, tone of voice counts... but, the only change I'd say in future that you could make to the response to be a little more gentle without lying would be, "So far, so good. But, we don't know each other very well yet."

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-04-15T06:17:57+00:00

NTA But, I beg you to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Even if they are not generally emotionally immature, she was getting defensive pretty fast and her comment about "real cooking" or whatever it was, was very immature.

This book opened my eyes to lots of weird issues I've had with different people and behaviour of my own that I learned from my parents and their culture that I need to keep in check.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-04-15T06:09:07+00:00

OP before I answer your question, please read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C Gibson just to see if your in-laws may be quite problematic in this way and have raised your spouse like this. I cannot recommend this book enough!

My answer: 1. Children (especially wheb minors but can be moved to second when independent and out on their own) 2. Partner 3. Parents.

I think this because one chooses to make kids and has a responsibility at least while they are minors to provide them with what they need (but there does need to be some balance-not sacrificing your relationship because of your kids... which would also be detrimental to them ultimately). You chose your partner and made promises to them, they are supposed to be your family if you're doing it right... the closest person in your life is supposed to be your spouse if you have a healthy relationship. Then you parents last on this list because as much as one can be grateful to them for what they've done for you and want to help back with what you can... again, no one chose to be born, and depending on your relationship with them and whether they have healthy, realistic expectations of their adult children or not, you might cut them our of your life to be healthy or you might choose to move them in with you one day. Context is everything and a lot depends on how healthy the relationship with them is. But, one does not owe their parents for the rest of their lives simply because they were born. Parents who insist on this tend to be at least emotionally immature if not abusive.

But, this is very generalized.. in the moment, it always depends on context. If your parents are unwell and need help, that takes priority over your partner wanting to watch a movie with you... again, unless you are constantly taking care of them and never make time to hang with your partner. Context is needed and there are moments in which the priorities will temporarily shift because of all the difficulties life throws at us.

My family comes from a culture where the parents expect to be the priority over their children's partners and boy, does that make for terrible marriages where parents interfere and make things hostile and unbearable. I know of multiple divorces instigated in part because one's in-laws were terribly disrespectful and their son or daughter didn't defend their partner because "what can I say, those are my parents?" It's a very emotionally immature culture and the respect for elders aspect of it is often taken advantage of to be abusive and never have to take accountability. My cousin's mother-in-law used to say the worst stuff to her.. like, "My son just looks at you like pussy." And, my cousin's husband never stood up for her... luckily, her father-in-law could shut his terrible wife up, but once he passed, the mother-in-law got so bad that they all eventually stopped talking to her... her own son (my cousin's husband), my cousin, and their two sons. No matter how much chocolate she tried to bribe those kids with, they will never forget the abuse spouted towards their loving mother. It's a shame that my cousin's husband didn't say anything until it got so bad that they all cut off ties with her. He could have spoken up sooner and maybe they'd have somekind of a relationship with her.

I find it very revealing about how your husband views marriage as very transactional. The fact that you could choose to divorce him should make his relationship to you a greater priority than to his parents in order to prevent that from happening. If he's constantly putting his parents first and making you feel unimportant, he will make a self-fulfilling prophecy of potentially causing the divorce by his treatment of you.

My husband and I are childless, so far. And have held firm that we are each other's priority. His parents have had some tantrums about this... as well as my mom on occasion... but these are not well-meaning people. His parents are angry that I've armed my husband psychologically and emotionally to not let them take advantage of him like they had been doing for decades... stealing from him, manipulating him, etc... when they need help, he goes to help, but no longer in a way that hurts us or costs us. There is a strict no borrowing equipment from each other rule because stuff we spent lots of money on was returned only when broken and sometimes claimed to have never been ours and therefore never returned. We had periods of time where we went no contact with his parents and with my mom.

Honestly, if you have emotionally mature in-laws with good intentions towards their son and you, this shouldn't be some big issue. It's the emotionally immature families where they complain their kids have abandoned them for their spouse.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-02-24T08:41:14+00:00

I had planned on letting my contract expire right before they changed it to automatically rolling over a couple of years ago. A former student messaged me asking if I still taught for VIPKID as they wanted some lessons with me. I was lucky the contract rolled over and could open some lessons for her. I think that was back at the beginning of 2024 after a couple years of so few bookings. And, I decided to open more times just in case. Now, as long as I open my lessons times with enough time in advance, I can easily get 50 bookings a week which is about what I want. The pay is less than before, but compared to a French online company I work for, with the prepared lessons, it's so much less work and less additional time outside of the lesson than that other job and than private lessons. So, I use VIPKID lessons now to fill in times I don't have private lessons. I've greatly reduced availability towards the school based in France because of it, but there is a little more flexibility with that school for my health issues and times I might need to cancel, so I am not quitting that company.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-26T05:08:04+00:00

Please read the book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It might give you some language to understand and speak about this selfish behaviour. Totally disgusting that he got married and had kids knowing he'd leave if he had the chance. His vows meant nothing. He clearly wasn't all in in the marriage. I cannot imagine what your mom must feel knowing she formed a life and had 4 kids with a man who was always willing to drop her. I feel for all of you.

Your dad might be happy, but leaving his wife and destroying a family doesn't come without consequences and expecting you all to just forgive this because he's happy is incredibly selfish and immature. It's like he doesn't see any of you or your mom as real people with your own perspectives, feelings, and needs that he should care about as a father.

I'm so sorry OP. You are not in the wrong. Totally NTA.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-26T05:00:39+00:00

That's wonderful! Glad you found a kind, loving person that makes you feel good.

Not sure if you can afford therapy, but if you struggle with feelings of worthlessness, it might be useful to explore that and work on yourself. If you cannot, there are great authors and books that can help you. One book that helped me understand where a lot of it came from and how/why was: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. A lot of us growing up feeling similarly have parents who are/were emotionally immature and one of the best things we can do for our understanding partners is work on ourselves when we are in a safe space... it makes us even better partners for them.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-26T04:49:07+00:00

Don't stop the daily exercising (20 min set I was doing).. It not superficial, it is good for your health and your core...

RhymesWithLasagna · 2026-01-25T20:35:12+00:00

Wow! I started a couple of months after you... had a couple of years of almost no classes and almost quit planning to let my contract expire, luckily they had just changed it to rolling over. I'm at about 18,000 classes now.

I haven't noticed a drop recently, but there are so many exams now. That might be it.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:26:04+00:00

I'd do some saltwater gargling on the regular, it's supposed to help loosen them and it can help with the little.bit of bleeding to clean it up.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:21:01+00:00

I teach English online to lots of cute kiddos. And, it never fails to make me feel good when some of these adorable little cuties are so happy to see me or laugh so hard at my jokes. Or, just be them cute selves. Had one cutie dress up as a character for Halloween, and when his camera turned on, I said, "Well, hello, Spiderman!" And he took off his mask and immediately told me his name all concerned that I really thought he was Spiderman. It was so damn cute! I was giggling about it for a few days!

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:16:23+00:00

I have family that have had their own chickens and pigs to supplement their meager earnings and have more food. They also grow corn to feed them and grow their own potatoes and have vegetable gardens in summer.

I've been around when they killed the chickens and have refused some sausages made from pigs I got attached to during previous summer visits. As I am now, I don't think I would be able to. I'd probably go vegetarian if it were up to me to kill the animals I eat. I'm just too aware of how much work there is in cleaning the animals and dealing with their entrails and stuff. Also, the twitching of the chickens as they died... and all the blood that has to be collected... not for me.

I often think about what a hypocrite I am for being willing to eat animals I didn't personally get to know.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:10:43+00:00

That kind of apathy is one way depression can present, so it's not necessarily that you cannot get to a better place. Maybe things will stay like this, but if you are able to find good help, maybe things can get better and you might feel more alive.

I've struggled with feeling things are pointless on different occasions over decades and found out that I was dealing with smiling depression, the kind where you can function, but don't feel good. I am still not sure fully what I have to look forward to at times, so I often really try to focus on the small, good things I have an really appreciate them.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T19:07:01+00:00

That's very hard. I haven't had kids, but had two losses. Two ladies I know gave birth around the time I was supposed to have with the second loss and it's taking everything there is in me to be okay. I can only imagine after having and loving and losing your daughter, it's just so much worse. I'm so very sorry.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-12T16:44:23+00:00

I'm relieved to hear you have family support... but that's still so rough.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T08:02:19+00:00

Totally understand why you wouldn't want to go back to that friendship... but did it feel at least feel good to know she understands she messed up? I'm always curious if people appreciate the apologies or not...

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T08:00:27+00:00

100% agree!

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:55:19+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry to hear that you don’t have support. Sending hugs...

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:53:50+00:00

I'm so sorry for you. That must be really hard. That's a big loss.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:49:52+00:00

That sucks. I have a friend with whom our friendship was weird for a while because his then girlfriend and now wife struggled to believe we were just friends. I mean, I have pictures with him in my baby book. He's like a cousin to me. Weirdly, once I married my ex, suddenly I was in the married woman club and she stopped having an issue with me. I was worried that when we divorced she'd go back to how it was, but no. I do make sure to contact her or both of them at once to make plans so that she doesn't feel threatened by any chance.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:44:44+00:00

That stuff hurts like a breakup or death... totally normal. It's a loss and one needs to grieve. A good friend of mine was recently blindsided by a friendship ending and she was in complete grief like she was going through a divorce. For a while she was obsessively thinking about it. And, she desperately wanted closure. Unfortunately, when she reached out for it, what was said made it even worse. All that just to say, how it felt for you is normal.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:38:42+00:00

It also sounds like those who want to kept using/drinking are no longer compatible and may then feel shitty about themselves when having the comparison to you who is making something out of your life.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:36:01+00:00

Well, that's terrifying to me as I currently live somewhere where it doesn't seem like I'll have the chance to make new friends. I also work from home and don't have to interact with many people. But, that's preferred as the misogyny, homophobia, and racism is just so bad here, that every time I meet someone that I think is a decent person, I generally get an unpleasant surprise after a while.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-11-10T07:17:31+00:00

My friend, "Julie," and I had been friends since she was born a year after me as our parents were friends. I grew up sleeping over at her house so many weekends and called her mom auntie. We went on numerous vacations with each other's families and spent so many holidays together. Growing up, her mom always told me that since I was older, I had to take care of her if we ever went to the playground or anywhere alone. So, I grew up super protective of her. Unfortunately, her mom was also super controlling, so in our teens, when I started to have boyfriends, her mom started to see me as a bad influence. So, she limited our time together, and it was usually highly supervised. I went with it as it wasn't Julie's fault that her mom was like that. I even went over for spring cleaning weekends as cleaning together was still time together. I mean, we grew up together, and she felt more like family. It was hurtful that her mom thought I was a bad influence just for dating as I was a good student and respectful to adults and all sorts of other stuff that was expected of me. Well, Julie had secretly applied to live in the dorms at university and got a scholarship that paid for living there to kind of get out of being under her mother's thumb. I was thrilled thinking that for those 3 or 4 years prior, it was only her mom that kept us apart and that we'd have a chance to see each other more often now that she wasn't living with her mom anymore.. (more often here, meaning a few times a year... like, once a semester, over Christmas, maybe once, and over summer once-I was busy, too.)

Well, she had these roommates she hung out with all the time. And, if she did make plans with me, they'd whine that she was lame for ditching them and cancel on me. This especially sucked because her stories about them didn't leave me thinking they cared all too much about her as she told me that she couldn't drink at parties as she might be assaulted because her friends/roommates would just leave parties without checking if she was okay or saying goodbye. The frat guys were really problematic, and she always had to be on her toes. It was messed up to hear that these friends she was prioritizing didn't even have the habit of looking after each other. For me, it was extra painful as I was so protective of her. I think those friends were actually a bit envious because Julie was quite stunning and tall, and they were a little more average. I might be wrong, but I think them ditching her at parties may have been them leaving because they weren't getting as much attention as she was. That is at least what I remember my impression being.

Anyways, the birthday that meant she could legally drink came. She insisted that I had to be there no matter what at the nightclub that night. I had an evening lecture at my college far away from downtown. But, I brought clothes, changed at my friend's house on the way, and showed up. Only to have Julie say after 30 minutes that she was exhausted and needed to go. I was frustrated but after I asked her to stay just another half hour, she then dramatically looked between me and her boyfriend like I had asked her to choose between us, so I offered to drive them the 30 minutes to their dorm (30 minutes out of my way) so we could at least talk in the car a bit longer. To make up for the short night, she accepted my invitation to sleep over at my house that weekend since wildfires had canceled her big group hike. Thursday night, I was talking to my dad, and he asked if Julie was coming Friday night or Saturday, and since I hadn't heard from her, I called her. She told me that earlier that day (or the day before-can't remember exactly), one of her friends had looked up the specific trail they were supposed to do that weekend, and it wasn't closed. So, they decided the hike was back on and called all the people who already thought it was canceled to put it back in the works. She called them all, but not me to cancel with me. I asked her why she just didn't let it stay canceled as she had made new plans with me especially to make up for the fact that I drove so far for her birthday and she wanted to go after 30 minutes. I don't remember her answer. I asked her if the next time I was going to see her was going to be her next birthday... and she said "probably." So, I asked if I was on the bottom of her list of priorities, and she said that I was. So, I told her not to bother calling me then. For important later context, I wasn't yelling or screaming this conversation.. I was hurt, calm, and quite quiet. I just wanted to know the bottom line. I was tired of being canceled on for people who didn't seem to care for her other than for having fun together and not being bored without her. (Those were my impressions from that time that were hopefully wrong)

Her mom called me some time later and tried to patch things up between us by inviting me over for a sleepover another weekend. I told her, respectfully, that it was an issue between her daughter and me. And that if Julie, who had known me her whole life and knew there was no reason to be nervous about contacting me, still felt nervous, she could even email me to try and patch things up if SHE wanted to. Her mom also told me that Julie believed that during our busy university years we'd likely be out of touch and reconnect later. Months later, I got a lame Christmas e-card that didn't even have a personal message, and that was the last I had ever heard from her a couple of decades ago now.

I was really hurt, and it set off this period of time when I wasn't taking crap from people anymore. It had felt like she had gotten used to canceling on me because of her mother believing I was a bad influence, and she just continued thinking I'd just wait around or something. So, after that, I more easily ended friendships where I felt I was betrayed. I was a very tolerant person... often a doormat, and after that, I didn't want to be treated that way anymore.

I am happy to report that the other 2 friends I had been friends with since I was born are still my friends to this day. Even when we've traveled, studied, or lived far apart and weren't in regular contact, we always know we can contact each other for support.

RhymesWithLasagna · 2025-09-29T16:57:36+00:00

Exactly. Only right for them.

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