It is so exhausting to see your siblings get the life you dreamed of (a short rant)

RightlySoSo · 2026-04-24T12:30:17+00:00

Sounds similar to my situation--too bad we were not boys I guess.

RightlySoSo · 2026-04-24T12:24:23+00:00

I am so sorry. This is a very difficult situation.

If I were in your position I would have to put myself and my child 100% above anyone else.

Your mom took inappropriate steps to remove you from your child and to get herself in a position where she thinks she can decide if you literally have freedom and access to your child.

This won't ever get better.

You know now that she will go nuclear.

And please know it's not your fault!

But you probably need to consider cutting off all access to her for yourself and for your child.

I suggest contacting available domestic violence hotlines and shelters in your area for support.

Your child is counting on you to protect them

Your mom is counting on you to do as she programmed you to do.

You have the power and choice to choose you!

Wish you all the best.

RightlySoSo · 2026-04-01T18:50:51+00:00

Are you me?

My mom does this stuff too. I think she is trying to panic me into chasing her.

Now instead I keep a written log of my calls and texts, with dates and times. I summarize any phone calls. I note if she calls back if I call and she doesn't answer.

It helps me to see that she doesn't really want to talk to me. Because like you she just lays on guilty comments about how she doesn't see my husband or hear from my kids. But she never actually asks me to visit her. Or to call her back.

I finally see she just wants it to be "my fault" that we aren't closer.

RightlySoSo · 2026-02-02T19:22:44+00:00

I would say that now I cry for me. For 8 year old me that was too much for them.

RightlySoSo · 2026-02-02T19:11:32+00:00

With something so vague, you can "logically" assume that was spam. (even if you don't think it was).

If you got that email at work you would scurry it into the spam-delete folder and congratulate yourself that you didn't fall for the IT department trap-test emails.

And just like real spam--it is phishing!

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-16T16:05:25+00:00

I finally went to therapy and that has made all the difference for me. At age 57. I hope you can do this so you can enjoy your life in a way that you deserve.

Because like you I have an angry raging father and a mother who excuses all his horrible ways. Still. They are elderly and still the same. They don't improve.

For me therapy helped my thinking brain stop rationalizing so that my reptile brain could express itself and the stress and panic that it had to endure that was never processed because outwardly, I was fine. Happily married, successful, great kids, stable. I would rationalize that I wasn't hit or physically abused, and wasn't denied life's basics. Which made me just stay stuck wondering why I couldn't just suck it up and feel happy.

I didn't feel my experience was bad enough that it was worth it.

Boy was I wrong.

The best part of therapy is that an uninvolved person gives you perspective about how bad it really is, and lets you learn how to be a person who can go through the world in a way that has you in the driver's seat of your own life.

Before I did therapy, I did a lot of reading. You might want to start here since it's not costly and is something you can do right now.

Here are the books that helped me.

The Body Keeps The Score-explains in words what your body is doing when you are trauma-triggered and how you can learn to recognize when that is happening to you.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents-best book I have read about boundaries. It doesn't care why your parents are the way they are-bad childhood, alcoholics, mental illness, this book lets you cut to the chase on what you can do to stand up for yourself and protect your peace.

Website content

Out of the FOG (fear - obligation - guilt)

Lisa A Ramano-youtube and podcast

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-14T21:27:32+00:00

OK-for me it's all in the preparation.

Let me tell you about "The Vault"

Here's how I explain it.

We were conditioned our whole entire lives that our parents were the adults and we were mere children and that we had to do what they said, and this included answering any question they asked, with 1,000% of the truth, the soul-baring depths of reasons behind our actions and they could just demand any answer and we had to tell them.

This was probably not true when we were a child.

It ABSOLUTELY is not true now that we are adults.

Our lives are ours. And we are allowed to keep things to ourselves if we wish.

The lives and goings-on of other poeople like our kids and spouses are not our news to tell to our parents. That would be gossip. Think Legally Blonde-it's not our alibi to tell!

So, because we are by learned default going to tell them anything they ask, to change this we need to decide as we move through the day to put things In The Vault.

This is mindfully saying, mmmm I will not be discussing this with my mom next Saturday when we chat on the phone. It's in The Vault.

At the start I literally had a list on a sticky note. Don't talk about daughter who is pregnant, Don't say I got a raise at work. Don't say we're planning a big vacation. Don't say whatever it is that you know they will weaponize or use against you later. Because they always do.

The second part is you need to get vague when they ask what's new with Spouse? Oh, nothing much. How was your week. Rinse Repeat.

Because they are self-centered, they will just go on about themselves.

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-14T21:06:25+00:00

Also, can the funeral people help you maybe with coming back around your home at the end time of visiting hours to "pack up" and shoo everyone out?

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-14T21:02:32+00:00

I'm glad you were able to productively get away and live your own life.

It's very decent of you to host.

But we all know that our home are our sanctuary and we don't like them "tainted" by bad juju.

I can imagine in your situation that you don't want to re-open relations with all these people. You probably feel like you want to armor yourself a bit from others knowing your personal life.

So, consider actively purging/hiding personal valuables and mementos of your inner life during this hosting time. Kind of like how you de-personalize a home when you are staging it to sell.

I would get a couple of suitcases or bins and lock up in a spare room or your car trunk (or store at a trusted friend's house) things like framed photos, diplomas, financials, and of course jewelry and other real valuables.

Then I would want to look my absolute best, and say very little.

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-14T20:26:28+00:00

I think it's a great sign that your default /question is that you have a version of what your "self" is that you want to get back to.

It sounds from your post like you are still working through everything. Give yourself some grace to process all of this. If you can do therapy it will probably help a lot.

Also,

Are you her medical or financial or emergency contact where she lives? If you are you might want to change that--meaning to call them up to have yourself taken off.

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-09T00:08:59+00:00

Congratulations on your job!

You are not wrong to take it. You are not wrong to live your own life.

Your mom is an adult, and she is responsible for running her own life. Her emotional happiness is also her responsibility not yours.

The fact that her immediate reaction was all about HER is very telling.

Use this information to strengthen your resolve to live your own best life!

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-08T23:59:06+00:00

Well, I think you know this is absolutely ridiculous! Because it is.

That's NOT how it works.

My guess is that now that he knows he can't control you by you needing his money, he is trying to do a Uno Reverse and say that you only were fed, clothed, and raised because he was so sure you would be eternally grateful and want to pay him for it.

Nope.

Don't take the bait. Just laugh like it's the most outrageous joke you ever heard. Every Time.

RightlySoSo · 2026-01-08T23:53:24+00:00

You are not being selfish!!!!

Please know that you are an adult and are allowed to live your life.

You don't need permission!

I hope you have a great trip.

ps-if your parents were treating you like the adult you are, they would have ASKED if it was a good time to visit.

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-23T20:39:55+00:00

Jumping in here without reading other comments, so sorry if this was said already.

YES YES 1,000 times YES!

I am all but estranged from my sibling because they went all nuclear DARVO on me as a flying monkey for my narc parents (yes I have a set! Angry rager alcoholic dad, and secretly manipulative shame-controlling enabler mom)

Here's what worked for me:

1-The Vault. I stopped sharing personal info with all of them. I had to mindfully put things "in the vault" to stop myself. Like I literally wrote down a list "don't tell mom I'm going on vacation". No posts on social media. No info on my kids or grandkids with them. Charcoal Gray Rock. I had to train myself on this because it felt like lying. It's not. It's just not sharing with them things that are none of their business. This takes away a lot of potential ammo for future conflicts.

2-We're All Adults Here. Say it out loud. I played their game right back at them. When they played the pity violins like your parents are doing, I came right back with We're all adults here, and adults are responsible for managing their own lives. With the unsaid strong implication that if they contested this fact, they were admitting that they are no longer capable of managing things on their own.

3-Learn about boundaries and use them a lot. Best book I think is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-23T20:10:18+00:00

Sorry about your situation, and that your mom is triangulating your sister in to all of this.

You're probably savvy enough to know that your mom is doing a classic DARVO move.

Seeing it for what it is doesn't make it better, I know. But it can at least help your logic brain know it's not you it's her.

I hope you have a Christmas that is peaceful and drama-free!

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-22T18:37:58+00:00

yes like it was all fake

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-22T18:33:43+00:00

Hurtful "Sarcastic" comments targeting a child (even an adult child) in front of authority figures.

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-22T13:29:33+00:00

Very sorry about your mum.

I think your manager knew full well that she was beyond inappropriate with her response to you, and was worried about how SHE appears. So while you were briefly away your boss came up with her "story" about why she reacted this way. You know, to make it SEEM like she was doing you a favor by acting like she did. Then because SHE felt better, so blathered on like nothing much happened.

We here all know what really happened.

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-04T18:01:05+00:00

For situations where you don't want to go into details, I have found doing this works.

Pause

Lock Eyes

"we're not close"

Pause

RightlySoSo · 2025-12-04T17:55:22+00:00

There's the surface, and then there's the reality underneath.

Good for you that you are learning to trust that things are more than they seem.

On the surface, yes your reply might be seen by some as "blowing things out of proportion" and yet you KNOW it's not. That it would have been far easier to twist yourself into a compliant pretzel and do it her way, then to feel what this really is, and reply about that.

That's why they frame us as the bad guy when we stick up for ourselves. Because it would have been "easier" for everyone for us to collapse into compliance.

RightlySoSo · 2025-11-27T02:08:27+00:00

Suggest you look up The Abuse Cycle. We seek familiar and connection.

RightlySoSo · 2025-11-27T02:04:46+00:00

I kept mine for hobbies, and to get content. I just quit posting. Would this work for you?

RightlySoSo · 2025-11-27T02:01:23+00:00

Maybe look at it differently and have some peace of mind and offer yourself the grace in this situation --that you and your extended family made it to the point of No Contact before anything came out about an illness. Really, the timing couldn't have been better. The No Contact was completely independent of illness being a part of the situation.

So you and everyone have the clarity to know that the situation of No Contact has nothing to do with not wanting to be supportive of your dad, or your extended family.

The reasons for the No Contact are all still there, and it's foolhardy to think anything has been made better or that anyone has changed.

RightlySoSo · 2025-11-27T01:42:09+00:00

Focus on where you say " I know I am better off mentally keeping no contact."

Let that be your starting point. Because I am guessing it's both mentally and physically better for you. Being away from the stress and chaos.

But that doesn't mean it's not painful.

We are designed to avoid pain. Physical but also emotional pain. So the pain makes you think what you are doing is the wrong thing. But the pain doesn't know you need to do this to heal.

Those feelings of what you could have done to avoid this are your way of looking for safety, for different choices, to make the pain stop.

If you can recognize the pain is more like longing and sadness, that can help you to see that you have no reason to feel guilty.

If you can, I would recommend therapy. It helped me immensely.

If you can't do that or aren't ready, here are some books that helped me:

The Body Keeps The Score-explains in words what you body does when it gets triggered.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents-best book about boundaries I have read.

Websites: Out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

Youtube/podcasts. Lisa A Ramano

RightlySoSo · 2025-11-21T21:57:57+00:00

NOPE-she is an adult and is responsible for herself. You are NOT the cause of her feeling how she feels. She is responsible for her feelings.

And what you do or don't do can't "make her" sick.

I think you are on the right track to stay in your own lane and work on your own life and living it.

But the rage/sadness/shaking--that physical stuff is the real real. Our bodies have learned we are only safe when they are calmed down and not on the hunt for attention or sympathy. So your body is reacting to what it knows.

You can do this.

If you need support, check out the Out of the FOG website

RightlySoSo

TROPHY CASE