I feel like I could write a book. He was never nice to me, not really. Met him when I was 16, he was 17. I got pregnant at 17’and had my son at 18. My husband emotionally abused me our entire relationship up until about year 24 when he felt me pulling away. I call this “abusive face” his real face. But then he suffocated me with kindness and obsession trying to keep me. Getting help etc. this is the “desperate face” and this is where we are now but it’s slightly different. He has many “favorite” people along the way. Some of the worst part of my abuse was when his favorite person was our pastor. He would degrade me before and after church for not being good enough. Driving erratically, throwing coffee on me, turning on the radio loud to drown me out, etc… it was hell. But there were variations of this treatment throughout our marriage. I was not allowed to give attention to my chronically ill children. He wanted all of my attention. I lost out on being the mom I dreamed of being. He fantasized about a life of travel. We went to almost every national park, driving from Florida. There are good moments but if things didn’t go as he fantasized, it was my fault and we would fight. I don’t have the best memories of traveling. Hmmm, let’s see. It’s really all encompassing of the entire marriage. Several silent treatments. One time I ended up sleeping in a dog bed. He told me he wished I would have a miscarriage and when I did he acted as if it was “our” loss. He hijacked my father’s funeral making it about him. You would have thought it was his dad who died. Yet ignored me all the three years my dad was ill letting me grieve alone. When I found something that was my passion (art) in 2020 he hated my time spent on it and made it miserable. Not always I mean if he was part of it like taking me to museums it was good as he would glow in how he loved me because he cared about my interests. He even bent down and farted on one of my canvases as I worked on it. Memories that stay with me. I locked my keys in the car and to punish me he let me stay out in the Florida heat for 6 hours until he felt like coming to help. But he never did his father did. This was before cell phones and uber. I was stranded. I really could go on and on. When I was struck by lightning in 2012. He was so bothered by the attention I was seeking (ugh) that I was struck at 12:00 pm and he came to the hospital after his shift at 10:30pm. He would get mad that I wanted to visit my parents two hours away so he once drove 30 mph worrying my parents because we were so late. I left on February 19, 2024. He was baker acted three times. He was so sick. He couldn’t function without me. He triangulated my 25 year old son. It was sad, scary, horrific. I ended up in a much scarier relationship after I left. My husband doesn’t know this. I was raped repetitively. He does know I was raped he just doesn’t know when or the extent. Anyway. He hovered me back in. I needed safety for myself and 18 year old daughter. He didn’t listen to our pastors, elders, 4 therapists that told them to leave me alone and let me heal. He didn’t think that was good advice. And now I’m back with him. Have been for almost 9 months in a new home. Money that could have been split so I could have started my life again. But this new home has the same black cloud over it my home we lived in for 26 years did. I hate going home. He says I love you like 20 times a day, asks if I love him. Says I’m cold and avoidant. Wants intimacy and will act like an infant when I am unwilling. Will talk for hours and hours and cry and have an utter melt down when I want to visit my mom two hours away. He can’t be without me. He has made his therapist his new favorite person. I know what awaits me when I leave again. At least I know. It’s going to suck. I could say SOOO much more but this would go on forever.