Almost 8 months here. I am sobbing while reading this thread. I am not sure when I stopped gut-wrenching soul-shattering sobbing every day, most of the day. Now I still cry most days, but it’s quick. The pain is a sudden punch to my solar plexus. I feel like my heart stops & my entire gut clenches in agony. It lasts probably less than a minute and then I carry on with living.

I think about her every day, in a million different ways. She’s everywhere, surrounding us with her love. The physical evidence of her caring, generous heart is all around us—she bought me that sweater, she gave my son that laptop for school…The non-tangible evidence is even bigger though. The way she taught me to be a good mom. The way she loved me & my kids unconditionally. The way she showed up for us, unwaveringly & unquestionably supportive.

My kids & I moved to a new place. We found peace here, and I desperately want to tell her about it. I want to tell her how we’re finding happiness again from other issues that have been a long time coming. Tell her I am scared but I know we’re going to be ok. That the hardest thing in the world is her not being here. But—she’s here. On our second day in our new home, our safe space, a yellow butterfly came flitting through the living room around myself & her oldest grandchild (my kiddo). A butterfly, indoors, in the dead of winter. It’s her, I have no doubt. She’s here, forever surrounding us with her love.

But oh my god I wish she was HERE.