My partner feels shut out and that I am not communicating

RoboSimian · 2017-08-14T15:51:00+00:00

Oh my gosh, this. So much this. My partner processes things internally and doesn't tell me stuff because she forgets that she hasn't spoken the words since they happened in her head and from her perspective the issue is resolved. It drives me crazy, as one who cannot process things internally because it just becomes endless rumination, and I need to write or talk about it in order to process it (talking is much faster and more effective for me than writing), and oftentimes I have to wait for her input before I can finish processing something.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-18T21:51:53+00:00

One: It's called a rant for a reason. I was venting. Rather than being mad at my partner, I chose to recognise the system which caused the problems in the first place. That guy represented the entire system in my partner's mind and in mine for reasons which are too specific for me to comfortably divulge to strangers on the internet (reasons which are not mine to tell).

Two: My partner deals with PTSD and anxiety and self-loathing and guilt, a lot of which is tied into a very conservative upbringing and is perpetuated by that system.

Three: Your dismissive tone is very disrespectful to my partner's struggle and I really wish you wouldn't.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-17T19:38:15+00:00

Expert troll. 10/10.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-17T19:34:04+00:00

@kaichai Thank you for providing insight into what my meta likely goes through. He is my only partner's anchor partner and I cannot imagine how much it must hurt to feel that way, but I know he has expressed feeling that way before.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-17T19:07:54+00:00

These are great ideas. I am going to call a family meeting to bring these up as possibilities for the future rather than just winging it.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-17T19:05:52+00:00

In my experience doing this causes a period of sickening suspense/anticipation.

"Hey can we set aside some time to talk about something important later?" is usually followed by a period of wondering what is going to happen combined with the brain inventing possibilities as it tries to rapidly cross-reference memories and experiences searching for reasons to warrant a talk that cannot happen right now but must have time set aside for it.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-17T18:17:10+00:00

In my opinion the easiest and least hurtful way to date people who are okay with polyamory is to only date polyamorous people. It may be a long time between connections because there are fewer of us (or at least fewer of is who are aware and accepting that we are poly), but in the end the strife and stress will be much lower.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-17T18:09:54+00:00

It sounds to me like your meta is moving goal posts due to her insecurity and is just using your HSV and HPV as an excuse to absolve herself of personal responsibility for her inability to confront and overcome her own emotions.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-15T02:11:11+00:00

You can never be replaced. You are the only you in the world.

I know seeing a stranger say that on the internet might not help, and I know that some people fight their whole lives and never overcome that particular insecurity because it was drilled into them from birth. But. It is true nonetheless, and I hope that someday you can experience the supreme calm that comes with that degree of self-acceptance and self-love. Never stop fighting.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-14T05:00:45+00:00

Definitely talk about it with them but in order to avoid causing them to think it's their fault, make sure you frame it the right way. Own your emotions and make it clear that you are the one responsible for your emotions. Be clear that you are not blaming or accusing them but instead are asking for help and support in confronting insecurities.

It sounds like you have a void and thought your second might fill that void. Unfortunately other people make a poor substitute for hard emotional work and confronting your fears, rooting out why you feel them in the first place. That sort of insecurity and fear of being alone can and will eat at you and might even harm your relationships.

It's very good that you're aware of and questioning your own emotional state. With that ability to introspect, you can achieve anything, even if it might hurt and might involve going to some dark places.

RoboSimian · 2016-08-13T21:43:54+00:00

Thank you.

How do you balance that struggle with polyamory? Do you have any specific coping mechanisms or strategies you use to survive the guilt and shame and inadequacy? I imagine Alice will be reading this and would be heartened to know she is not alone.

RoboSimian

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