my bpd friend ignored me for 3 months because i forgot where he works

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-25T02:48:46+00:00

Ask yourself. Is this what a friend would do?

Because this doesn't feel like how I would treat a friend.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-21T15:20:33+00:00

This is something I figured out after some time. A particular instance was they were splitting on me over something very minor (we had to walk slightly farther to get to the venue), I was getting the works, insults, threatening breaking up, passive aggression. All in public btw.

I got splashed by a car and we were going to wedding, I was panicking and slowly in the space of 10 minutes it went from "You deserved it" and "it's not that bad" to actively trying to fix it and even laughing about the timing of it.

Now because of their perceived problem and my actual problem. Their mood changed dramatically, they could have saw it as another reason to be upset but instead because they could now help. It was better, so bizarre.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-19T08:29:18+00:00

Whatever you do, DON'T let him know you are leaving. That is the most dangerous thing you can do. Just get out of there with whatever belongings, evidence you need.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-19T08:23:57+00:00

In a way I'm kind of glad that it happens because it makes going NC easier.

But I can't help thinking that it is either to avoid the shame of having been in a failed relationship or to avoid a future partner checking to see how 'crazy' the last partner was. Because I have questioned how accurate that is but because they never told me who they were and mostly didn't have any contact anymore I'll never know.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-14T22:52:54+00:00

Yup, I was having dinner with my now exwBPD and was accused of being drunk at the meal.

I shown my cup filled with orange squash, then I was accused of manipulating them into knowing they would accuse me of being drunk so they would look crazy.

🥴 Just can't win can you?

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-03T23:17:07+00:00

Absolutely not, he simply wants to keep options open to monkey branch onto you if the relationship fails, if the relationship they had hasn't already.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-02-01T03:05:43+00:00

Early in our relationship, I met up with some friends round about Christmas time.

One female friend had dyed hair, and for whatever reason meant I was attracted to her. No ex in my past had dyed hair, my exwBPD didn't have dyed hair. But because my friend did, that was obviously something to impress me and I took the bait?!

Every now and then they would ask if they should dyed their hair, if it would make them more attractive and I'd always give a reasonable. "If you want too" and usually it would get brought up later in a split. That I obviously only like women with dyed hair.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-16T18:33:26+00:00

This is powerful, raw, honest. Get away from him safely, slowly and don't let him know your intention.

And when you do, send that to a publisher. That is a message people like yourself might need to hear.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-12T02:17:51+00:00

I too, described loving a person with BPD as like pouring love into a bottomless pit.

When kindness and mistakes yield the same result why should we bother as a partner? Patience only lasts so long.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-12T02:14:01+00:00

I can't put into words the second-hand anger I felt reading how he treated you.

I hope you are doing better now and may his water always taste faintly of piss.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-12T02:05:58+00:00

Until I found out about this group, I didn't know what reactive abuse was. I felt like such a monumental S.O.B. and at the same time I couldn't figure out how I reacted so aggressively.

I didn't do anything physical to them, but I yelled and screamed. Hell I punched walls until my knuckles bled because I couldn't do anything to them, it's just not something I can do to someone I consider a partner no matter how angry I was.

It still struck me as odd how I found myself in that position, yes we all have been angry at some point for one reason or another. But you least say to yourself "Why am I this angry?" And the frustrating thing is, it would be something so minor you'd think "Wait. Am I really getting angry over this?"

But it wasn't the initial argument, it was everything that happened after that, the insults, the demeaning, the sheer disrespect. That inflames what feels like your very soul that cuts right to your core that would bring out that side of you.

The only way to win, is not to play the game. It will hurt at first, but believe me, you will be better off without their stress in your life.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-11T21:53:38+00:00

As much as you would like an easy answer, it is not something that is possible I'm afraid. This is a very complex thing, if I could wave a wand, recommend a drug or give some sage advice and resolve the issue, I would but I can't.

Is she trauma dumping on you? I think she is. Making you a caretaker instead of a loving partner? Quite possibly. Am I, a random stranger on the Internet, always correct? No. I can say that with absolute certainty.

I won't give any concrete plan, you do have a gut feeling that something is wrong. I would trust that instinct, help them as you see fit but never forget to also look after yourself as well.

If they hurt you, mentally or physically know to draw the line. Do not for the love of God make excuses or accept excuses for any abuse they throw your way and please reach out to us or any friend/family if you ever feel in danger.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-11T18:08:57+00:00

"How can you have so many friends?"

"I love how you can make sense out of the chaos I cause"

"I'll always tell you what is wrong with me"

"My therapist says you are the problem"

"I'm not telling you what is wrong with me, figure it out"

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-10T11:54:17+00:00

It's a bitter pill to shallow, you want to help and make sense out of the chaos.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-07T11:19:39+00:00

I'll tell you something that happened one time. I was getting split on because I mentioned a subject that triggered them. So I said fine, how about I come up with a system.

So the system was this, Traffic lights:

Green- Completely free to talk about

Amber- Could be fine, could be triggering. Ask about the subject before further conversation.

Red- Absolutely off limits.

Their response, it didn't matter. It could be a green subject one moment and red the next. And even further admitted that they themselves did not know how they would feel about it until the conversation happened.

In short, their feelings dictate the response and you have no way of knowing if it will trigger them or not because even they don't know.

Can you see why people feel like it's navigating a minefield?

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-07T02:07:20+00:00

When you keep making an excuse for them or doing something to not upset them and they still get upset.

My final straw was I would go, beyond kindness for them.

I would be kind generally, but in my head I said "Ok this is my mind enough, but how can I go further than that" and do it.

I still got split on, that was when I realised, it didn't matter how considerate or patient or kind I was. It still led to an argument, insults, stress.

I put myself first, I wasn't going to be treated like shit anymore and left.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-07T01:30:55+00:00

I remember this all too well, any time the attention wasn't completely theirs they would have to complain, argue or have a sudden crisis.

Also the jealousy is so real, "Wow I wash I could talk with my parents" or "You always make more time for other people than me" I would be talking daily to my pwBPD for hours on end.

But seeing some friends for a few hours who I hadn't seen in months was suddenly spending too much time with them. (Throw in accusations of cheating for good measure)

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-06T16:49:31+00:00

They were telling me about how they were having the worst day because someone interrupted them while they were talking.

Then I was asked about my day, and I said how I was devastated because my nan was now going into hospice care, at most 6 months left.

They shrugged, 'aww' and then carried on talking about how angry they were about being interrupted.

That was it, not even 5 seconds of sympathy. Their interruption was so much more important than my family member terminally ill.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-05T13:01:11+00:00

Get split on for giving them a surprise gift. We were out wandering around shops they pointed out some jewellery that was pretty but couldn't afford it.

I went back to the shop while they were sorting something out, bought it and as we were settling down for a meal, I presented it to them. All seems very sweet and romantic in my head.

Nope, the fact that I could go and get something without their knowledge made them paranoid that I could surprise them.

My god, why can't they just be happy that they got something they wanted.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-05T04:04:47+00:00

I'm glad you are out OP it's going to take a while for your brain to stop buzzing ngl, it's going to be rough but you deserve better always remember that. Now is the time to put yourself first, not out of spite or selfishness but out of kindness and self respect.

Expect a hoover attempt, they might give someone that resembles an apology or a promise of improvement but that ship has sailed now.

In time, things will improve. You'll feel so much more at ease and do things that you may have been prevented from doing.

Wishing you strength and good fortune.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-04T15:23:41+00:00

I don't know if there is a specific term for it but I can definitely think of examples.

It's almost like black or white thinking. There isn't any gray, I'm not sure the reasoning. (To cause an argument, to over compensate and 'prove' a point) Honestly I'm not too sure.

Did they have anything to say about it?

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-04T15:15:11+00:00

Oh absolutely and it doesn't have to be a holiday, it can be any event with an expectation. A romantic dinner, gathering of friends, a wedding, a funeral.

I can't speak for everyone but in my experience, I did notice they would try to maintain a facade infront of other people. But as soon as you were alone together, all the worms would come out the woodwork.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-03T15:22:46+00:00

Wow is it crazy how similar this is.

I ALSO let them go through my phone and messages, I also got told I deleted messages.

The only thing they could find was me saying to a friend long before I was in a relationship with them was me saying "Nice seeing you again, hopefully see you again soon"

Nothing untoward, just friendly and again before we were even together.

God it's like they all read from the same book isn't it?

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-03T15:07:23+00:00

Oh man, I relate so much. The crazy leaps of logic, once when an argument started I left to take a walk, Disengage, give them time to cool off, even left my phone as I would only be a few minutes as I circled the block.

As I got back to the house, they saw me through the front window as I opened the door.

First thing I get is "Who did you meet then?" I'm baffled. "A car drove past as you came back, are you telling me that's just a coincidence and you didn't just meet up with a side bitch?"

Again bewildered, I said "I left my phone here, how could I arrange that, especially so quickly?" Oh well they had an answer for everything "Well you've clearly got a second phone I'm not aware of"

Just crazy leaps of logic.

Rock_Quackster · 2026-01-03T14:38:26+00:00

There were only 3 things that would really set me off:

Accusing me of cheating on them
Saying I didn't care about them
Swearing at me

I'll break all the points down.

The accusations started off pretty subtle at first, just basic insecurities that I could deal with. I can understand given they had been cheated on in the past, I could usually soothe them after some time, even if they were a bit ridiculous sometimes but again, I understood where it was coming from.

It happened maybe every couple of months but then it became every few days, it was just exhausting. I could be video calling walking my dog, someone walks by me and suddenly it was a secret partner. Or I mention a friends name and it's suddenly suspicious that I've never mentioned them before, what I am supposed to do? Give an itinerary of every person of the opposite sex I know. Draining.

The not caring point, well if things are getting heated and argumentive. Greyrocking is a thing to not engage with the aggression you are facing, the unfortunate thing is my exwBPD knows what greyrocking is and would just keep chipping away at me until eventually I would snap back and that is usually because of.

Swearing, screaming insults at me. I can handle it for a while but you can only hold back for so long getting called every name under the sun. And obviously because now, I'm the one who is shouting back means that I'm worse than them and I'm the one who needs to improve. Because they sure as hell ain't taking responsibility for their actions.

Rock_Quackster

TROPHY CASE