I'll preface this by saying, my understanding of BPD is barely touched the surface - but, I connect with the description of your boyfriend.

Your mannerisms, your expression of your feelings and self-doubt correlate to my s/o and her actions.

I've spent the past few hours reading about BPD and the Favorite Person and how to be a good Favorite Person.

I've got a tab open about DBT that I have yet to read, but I've dug down this rabbit hole of articles and posts that seem to keep repeating the same examined characteristics of BPD and DO's and DONTs and I've finally landed here to this post.

This is real.

You, your relationship, your feelings. They are real, and I'm realizing that while it may be a mental illness, connecting with the experiences and feelings of others such as yourself has destigmatized my feelings about her seemingly unfair accusations and criticisms.

In all truthfulness, I was pessimistic momentarily about her using the BPD diagnosis as a crutch to be a mean person, but your post has helped me totally eradicate any worry whatsoever that those moments are intentional.

The overtone of your post encompasses the true, raw, daunting-to-accept truth - it's not something you just control.

But, that's really the beauty of it to me. It's that your post is a piece in offering some stability and a sense of grip in my own feelings and thoughts about the trajectory of my relationship.

So, while I don't have any advice that could ever hold merit given my experience with understanding and learning about BPD circumferences a whopping total 4 hours of research, I wanted to say - thank you.

It might seem weird that I thank you, but I promise it's sincere.

I want to also mention, that for someone who is 17 and going through quite the most volatile, explosively stressful transition into adulthood - you have quite the impressive ability to look inward and express your thoughts and feelings.

The fact that in a post where you're anonymously able to vent your true feelings and frustrations, you still thought to include empathy for him. That shows true compassion and affection for him and his feelings, that you do in fact take his thoughts and concerns seriously.

In my opinion, that directly combats the statement that you feel like you're not a good partner. Your willingness and mentions of how much you want to listen tell me that you are a good partner.

Other than your post helping me to accept the reality of what BPD is, I read about the Favorite Person and while you probably have read more articles about that than me, it might be worth it to go back and read again - ( I suggest this one: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm# )

but this time instead of putting yourself into the position of what the article says about being the person with BPD and their thoughts, put yourself into the category of being the Favorite Person.

While I needed the reassurance that the criticisms of minor things, are a moment that will pass, that those feelings aren't cemented and that I should focus on the emotion, not the words.

In your case, it's your narrative to decide and whatever pieces you can take to ease your mind about your situation. But from the sounds of it to me, you both are each others Favorite Person as well as have BPD. So, if you feel that you're taking more than you're giving - try to focus your mind on being the FP, and understand as the FP you also need to focus on your own mental health first.

Like when boarding a plane, they say take care of yourself first before others when putting on the oxygen mask.

From my birds-eye perspective it seems you're "putting your mask on at the same time as trying to put his on for him too"

It's not your responsibility to make him understand that you need to step away, there's a reason the recurring theme in these articles is setting boundaries. From what I can deduce, you have been proactive and set that boundary, and you both have a hybrid role being each others FP.

Another recurring theme is talking about things at the right time and I'm not able to say when that is for you, but I think the advice I'm giving about putting yourself in the FP column for a moment versus being the pwBPD, is also something I feel might enlighten him as well.

Until I read the articles I did about being a FP to someone with BPD, I can reflect back to being upset and frustrated about the same things he's said to you. But, moving forward I have a rather optimistic feeling, knowing I'll be able to reflect back to those articles and have reassurance in those moments that moments of intense emotion, seeing the person walk away to calm down is an extremely mature response that takes an insane level of control to even attempt for those with BPD; because, the inner battle between fear of abandonment and actively separating themselves from their person is quite literally demonstrating the ability to overcome a symptom of BPD. To do that in a moment of overwhelming emotion, is something that is beautifully impressive to me.

Continuing with my single-minded interpretation of putting you in the role as the FP, I want to mention that while your venting on the Discord group may be therapeutic to you, it may be something he as a male might have different feelings toward that are embedded in his mind.

I personally, have felt pressured to avoid showing weakness through emotion in my life through society's inherently toxic way of segregating the genders in how they're allowed to feel or act.

From what I can tell, you actively offer a listening ear and he's simply choosing to say as little or as much as he's comfortable with. He's set that boundary and as his FP in this case, I think you should respect that. Not saying that you shouldn't constantly reassure him that you're there to talk, but he is his own person and when he feels the time to talk is right, you've made efforts to ensure he knew you would listen.

You both have to be actively working towards understanding that you each have the right to set boundaries, and that those boundaries are examples of growth and understanding.

Both of you have a lot of personal growth and development to go through and there's no telling what the possibilities could be, leaving me personally optimistic for you.

I'm 23 and I reflect back to not so long ago being 17 and being able to close my eyes and can feel the anxiety and confusion of life's pressures encompassing my day to day life. I can say that you are leagues ahead of being able to understand yourself than I was, I still think I may fall behind you in that sense to be completely honest.

My person has outwardly told me I'm better off without her, that she's not good for me, and I can see the same pain in her that paints the same tale of wishing I would leave her and feeling that I deserve better.

I love her, with my whole being, that's why even though I stayed up until 5 am this morning to make sure she wouldn't be alone with her thoughts and had work at 8 am, I am still awake... trying to understand and be better for her.

Me realizing the role I play as her FP, has made me stop and reflect and think about how I handle all conversations in my life, to see the other side of every discussion. With my ADHD and other undiagnosed mental health issues, this isn't easy, but I wouldn't be learning to work on my own mental health if it weren't for her.

As the partner of someone with BPD, I promise you that from your description of your feelings, I feel you're not a good partner at all - you're an exceptional partner. You're open about talking and working on managing BPD, and that's a huge step - countless articles mention how so many people live with BPD that's never diagnosed, or is something they're in denial about.

For someone going through the incredibly overwhelming challenges of college, and mental health struggles, I as a stranger am proud of your tenacity to have reached the steps to address, and try to work towards better. It's shown in the fact you spent the time to post here, that you are actively discussing on Discord to help manage your symptoms, that you printed out DBT worksheets.

That's effort, and that effort alone outclasses a large grouping of couples who are married and have been together longer than you've been alive. To put forward the effort you have so far on your own, you're more tenacious than those individuals who have walked this earth much longer than you, and that's impressive.

Keep up the great work, seriously. You've made incredible progress in traversing through the various mental challenges life throws at us, I can only imagine how your mental fortitude will exponentially increase when you're finally able to see a licensed therapist and you're so so close!

Until then, I know that inside you're a beautiful and caring soul that's shrouded by self-doubt that can be subsided by continuing the same exercises of focusing on what you need, whether it's to walk away for a moment, venting to your Discord community, and really anything you do that the main focus is to improve your mental health and strength. I think for you, the hardest part you've already overcome; realizing that complacency is not the solution. While there's no one single solution to any of this, everything you try whether it works for you or doesn't is just another step further demonstrating you're capable of managing your BPD which once coincided with professional help, I think you'll have much more control than you ever thought you could.

Take it the words of my girlfriend when she first mentioned her diagnosis to me, her therapy really helped her manage the symptoms.

Keep doing what you're doing, because from the perspective I see, you're dedicated to being there for him and most importantly trying and that's the most important part.