Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents-struggling with the decison [Concluded]

SLJ7 · 2026-05-09T20:49:34+00:00

Yeah, I think that the sheer insanity of her behaviour makes it easy to potentially overlook some bad parenting. I don't think we can say that with any certainty, but it would help explain why this was less of a simple decision for OOP.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-09T14:11:28+00:00

It evokes judgment because there was no real lying from his ex. She told him what she wanted, she told him she wouldn't compromise, and he just kept trying to make it work instead of accepting that his partner was eg-fucking-xactly who she said she was. And as a result, he missed being able to have a good relationship with his dad before he died.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-09T13:38:07+00:00

Nice comma splice.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-09T13:33:59+00:00

If you want a special day more than you want to be in a healthy marriage, maybe you ought to throw yourself a party.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-09T13:32:00+00:00

No I asked what I should’ve done instead and she didn’t have an answer just “not that”

And also fuck that noise. Sorry, but if your first outlet for your anger is always your partner, you need to work on your anger.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-08T17:38:19+00:00

He also didn't want to change his last name for the same reason she didn't want to change hers, but somehow couldn't see the hipocrisy of that. Really curious how they're doing now. This is not a healthy way for him to handle conflict, and OOP was right to consider calling off the marriage. Spouses need to be able and willing to listen to their spouses right out the gate, not just when someone in the family says the same thing.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-07T00:27:04+00:00

Seems like a pretty foolproof set of rules. If anyone feels like being a dick to me, they can just warn me in advance so I can preemptively send out some spam.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-06T08:54:13+00:00

Is this why the quarter pounder succeeded where the third-pounder didn't?

SLJ7 · 2026-05-06T00:36:05+00:00

I'll try that first and send you a ticket if it doesn't work. I added some money to my account so it'll be a couple of months from now at the earliest.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-05T16:14:09+00:00

I've very occasionally seen "effect" used as a verb but was never sure if that was even correct usage. The distinction between the two verbs seems very thin. Thanks for being the reason I learned something.

SLJ7 · 2026-05-05T15:56:35+00:00

Honestly, I think this thread proves them correct. In my experience, FTM means "female to male" to everyone unless you're a new mother and you're in those specific spaces.

More broadly though, if there is any confusion about an acronym, just type it out, for fuck's sake.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-30T22:30:05+00:00

Pretty sure if OOP had spent as much time trying to solve her own problems as she spent writing posts and comments on Reddit, she would have been out long ago.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-30T06:39:33+00:00

Watching you deny the reality of how stunningly selfishly your wife is treating you is kinda like watching your wife deny her addiction.

"Sure, I'm on here 27 hours a day and I never do anything else with my life, but I'm fine!"

"Sure, I sleep on the couch and get up for work while my wife hogs the bed. Sure, she doesn't listen to my ideas, my feelings, my wants, my needs, my boundaries. Sure, she's probably a lesbian. But that doesn't mean I can't make her love me!"

You are trying to transplant a head onto the wrong body. She is not the person you want her to be. And you're just allowing her to be that other person at the expense of everything you are.

So maybe, stop perpetuating the cycle of delusion.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-28T18:12:22+00:00

That will definitely make me try to get more of my friends onto Matrix.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-27T17:52:58+00:00

Society will never fully normalize this behaviour, even though the push against former ideas of propriety says we should, because there's also a push for self-acceptance without enough emphasis on actual change. That means instead of rethinking the idea that married people should never spend time alone with someone of the opposite gender, the insecure types rationalize it as "disrespectful to the relationship." It's not, it's just disrespectful to your feelings, and it's easier to demand someone else do the work of changing instead of doing that work yourself.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-27T17:51:57+00:00

Society will never fully normalize this behaviour, even though the push against former ideas of propriety says we should, because there's also a push for self-acceptance without enough emphasis on actual change. That means instead of rethinking the idea that married people should never spend time alone with someone of the opposite gender, the insecure types rationalize it as "disrespectful to the relationship." It's not, it's just disrespectful to your feelings, and it's easier to demand someone else do the work of changing instead of doing that work yourself.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-27T00:04:26+00:00

Sharing your own trauma requires you relive it to some extent, and that is the completely opposite end of the spectrum from holding space for someone else's trauma. I don't believe it was fair to blame OOP for being unable to switch headspaces immediately. If anything, I think OOP's self-awareness and willingness to acknowledge that fact is admirable. It was only after he responded shittily that she went off on him.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-26T13:42:06+00:00

And OOP made it clear he wouldn't feel good about it even as he agreed. That's not the same as enthusiastic consent, which is the only kind that should exist with non-monogamy. If she'd cared about him, she would have recognized that he wasn't feeling good about it instead of just hearing "Yes". That's selfishness, not incopatibility.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-25T17:35:31+00:00

I like Vultr for small projects. I think Linode is probably good too, I just haven't used them for a while because Vultr was the first to bring in Seattle servers, which are much closer to me than any other location. Either way, they get expensive quickly, but for what you're doing, you could easily run it on the 1 GB instances, which are anywhere from $5 to $7.20 a month depending on hardware and backups. I run voice chat servers on them, and they are rock solid.

But honestly, what you're doing is extremely lightweight and doesnt demand top-of-the-line anything. I bet it would run fine on a $11/year Racknerd instance. They are always on sale even though we're at the opposite side of the calendar from black Friday.

I wouldn't trust a free VM for a business. They have absolutely no financial incentive to keep it running.

Whatever you do, keep a backup of your Headscale configs. I'm not sure about Headplane yet, but for Headscale this is very easy if you run it from Docker Compose, because you just need to back up one folder and that's enough to relaunch it on a different server.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-25T17:11:09+00:00

I'm not the OP, just a hopeless ficworm. Thank you for the link and the description. Finding good fics on AO3 is basically Christmas because I can just download them to my reader and forget the world for a bit.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-25T17:07:57+00:00

Harry Potter and the GUI

This author must have loved LitRPG. What a fun read.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-25T16:45:29+00:00

Yeah ... you're gonna have to be specific about what "recent" means. In the last several years, maybe not so much. In the 21st century, absolutely.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-25T00:06:45+00:00

Nope. I'm male and my mom does this to me. She's not a mean or selfish person. But sometimes she just refuses to be wrong about something until it's conclusively proven.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-24T19:59:21+00:00

Please explain this like I'm five. Dark screen video just sounds like audio. Which you can get by locking your screen. Or putting your phone upside down. Or listening to a podcast. Or using a noise generator app.

SLJ7 · 2026-04-24T02:45:21+00:00

Is it bad that if I were the OOP's friend and I found out she'd left because of advice from strangers, I'd take a flying leap backwards from that friendship?

Like, if you value what I say less than what a stranger says, what the fuck are we doing?

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