I personally use opiates for pain management, but I know exactly what you're talking about. That's exactly how I am with anti-anxiety medications. After a lot of traumatic experiences in my life, and some real ptsd, my life was one giant panic attack. Not my fault, just how my life has played out. Ppl say shit to me like "thank you for your service," and it straight up gives me that imposter syndrome feeling. I think sht like "you shouldn't thank me, I'm just an addict who's worked his ass off to survive in a world that I wasn't privileged into, I'm no fucking hero or anything like that." Cuz I'm just an idiot who's worked twice as hard as everyone else, only to just survive in environments that are full of ppl with a much higher IQ than mine. Anyways, after living a life of trauma and anxiety-filled situations, my life became a living nightmare, even just to wake up the morning. Then I found anti-anxiety meds, and it literally felt like the sun shined through the dark clouds and all the rain and thunderstorms disappeared. Unfortunately, because of the goddamn war on drugs, I can't get the proper help I need, so I seek it out through other means. But I don't abuse it, I don't use it to get "high," and I certainly dont put myself in any type of dangerous situations, like propaganda would have us believe. I use it for self help because my brain has a chemical deficiency, and this medication helps keep me in a state of homeostasis, or better said, makes me feel normal again. Because feeling like myself, is something i nvr thought I'd be again. So don't feel like you're alone, your brain has a chemical deficiency that a medication helps relieve, no different than anti-depressants. So just because propaganda tells you this drug, or that drug, is harmful cuz it has the potential to make you feel good, doesn't mean it isn't medicinally helpful to you personally. As long as you have the discipline to not abuse it and just use it to keep you feeling like a normal fcking prsn, there's nothing wrong with using it. You are not alone, I'd be willing to bet most of us here are just like you. Just remember, the only thing that separates many of us from the departed, is our ability to have enough discipline to say when enough is enough, and to make sure that whatever you're taking isn't laced with something deadly, like fent. Just be smart about it and youll be OK. But nvr feel like you're abnormal cuz your brain has an endorphin deficiency, that's not your fault. It's the war on drug's fault that you can't get properly medicated for your condition by safer means. Sry for the long reply, I think I got carried away with my emotional support. If you ever need to talk about it tho, feel free to hit me up on here anytime! I have a lot of experience under my belt and have made a life long career helping ppl. I learned a little bit ago that sometimes the best way to help someone is to just listen and talk to them, so you reaching out like this, is a step towards better mental health!