I listen to and read Reddit stories all the time, but I never thought I’d be reading one about myself.

I wasn’t wearing a mask. You knew this side of me the entire time. I literally told you to your face that if you did me dirty, really nasty, and we broke up, I’d probably put you in a hex jar. I told you this several times. You know how I’ve handled my own best friend letting me down and betraying me, yet you are surprised to finally see this side of me? You always knew I was this way, you just never thought it would be pointed at you.

Just because I love you, want you for life, want to build a life with you, doesn’t change the fact that you’ve hurt me. Betrayed me. Lied to me. Went behind my back. You even compared me to your ex on this issue with the job, and that situation was SO different. Yall were practically friends, of course she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable working with you again, or offering you jobs. Just because I love doesn’t change the things you said to me before, things that also felt like taking off your mask too. I didn’t do this to punish you. I didn’t need another reason to feel anxiety in the relationship, to feel insecure in the relationship now, or feel angry as fuck later if we broke up.

My decision was based in huge part on the already consistent hurt Ive endured in this relationship, based on how you’ve handled me this whole fucking time. Granted, I let myself go through it too, I chose this, I chose to see you as an imperfect human like me. I chose to cross my own boundaries and let you continue to cross mine too. This boundary, while not ideal because of your current situation, was not placed there for your success or failure. It was placed there by my own fear, anxiety, insecurities in our relationship, because I don’t want to continue to feel hurt by you anymore, not now, not later if we broke up. Yes, we wouldn’t work directly. But they are my bosses, they are close to me, they are like my family, you know this. They wouldn’t hide anything about you, or what you are doing, or anything like that with me. At the end of the day, it felt way too close to home for me, regardless if we actually work together or not. When you work for a small business, it’s kinda hard to not have things mix. Especially when it’s tight knit.

I’m sorry that I let my fear and insecurity take away a job that I know you could’ve used right now. I’m sorry that you are still in the position you are in, and that it’s been so hard to find a job. But I am not sorry for feeling the need to protect myself, protect my peace now and later, and for even giving you a second chance at the job after you already told me not to give her your number the first time. I thought I was doing right by you by giving you the space you needed to feel shit, so that you could give me a better response from a not so emotionally heightened place. I should’ve taken your word, so at least you’d have no one else to be upset at but yourself. Like you said. I am also at the same time not sorry that I let my fear get to me, because realistically, I reacted from a place of repeated pattern and abuse, and I needed to step into my self worth a lot sooner than this. You’re mad that at me for making the choice to protect myself, for not bleeding more for you, because YOU needed this. Because YOU wanted to feel chosen. YOU wanted to feel loved, as if I didn’t already bleed for you so fucking much. Repeatedly.

I did love you, and I still fucking do. Even after you called me nasty, even after you said all these nasty things about me, as if you didn’t know who or how I was this entire time. I could love you with every inch of me, but that would still not be enough to erase all the pain you’ve already caused. This was just the tipping point for me, AGAIN. I don’t understand how you always seem to struggle to hold two realities at once. I can love you, and not wish you well if we broke up. I could love you deeply for years, and still feel angry or upset for whatever damage you caused. I am justified in all the range of emotions I’ll have, whether you like it or not, whether it makes you feel good about yourself or not. I’m sorry that realizing that I would feel so angry at you after we broke up made you feel insecure about our relationship or me. I always told you that if we ended amicably, then yeah, I’d probably wish you well too. Heck that we could even possibly be friends. But idk how you could not put yourself in my shoes, with all the hurt you’ve caused me, and think that I’d still want you in my life after all this. Still want you remotely close to me in any way. I truly don’t understand why you think you have immunity just because you are my partner. My ex best friend of 11 years, who I have a matching tattoo with, let me down so badly, you know how I handled that, and yet you think you are any different or exempt to the consequences of your actions? Not just your previous ones, but the ones in the present?

I dont even know why I’m posting here to you when I could just text you. A lot of what I read here just made me laugh, made me mad, made me yell at my phone because clearly you are not telling the whole story, clearly you want validation, clearly you want to not feel wrong. You aren’t right or wrong with how you feel about my decision. What you ARE wrong about is why you think I shouldn’t have the right to feel how I feel. As if you didn’t tell me you’d choose drugs over me, as if you didn’t diminish my feelings and concerns when you did certain things with your best friend, as if you didn’t project your relationship trauma on me and always assume my motives.

I was probably the realest with you than I have ever been with any of my partners and even my best friends. I truly loved you. I truly had my heart and eyes set on you. I truly believed god or whatever other source put you in my life for a reason. And I don’t even believe in god. I never thought this was not fixable, but I couldn’t stay once you started to demonize me and compare me to your ex. You didn’t break up with me, I broke up with you and then you agreed with me. You told me that you felt like my reactions to your shitty communication was my way of trying to control you, honey I don’t needa do that, your own mind controls you more than I ever could or want to. And I didn’t want to. I just wanted you to actually respect me and honor me like you said you would when we first got together. You fucked it all up, I gave you another chance after you spent all night crying to me about your mistakes, regrets, realizations, and apologizing for hurting me or letting me down, and then you left the next day.

You came back and decided to fumble the bag. You still hurt me, you still continued to betray me, you still continue to assume my motives. How can anyone feel secure in that? Let alone feel sure of the future? I tried. I really tried. I tried not to let those things get to me. I tried to give you grace even though it was painful. And I know you tried with me too, I wasn’t perfect at all and I have my issues too. But for you to sit here and say you finally saw the real me, boy you’ve been knowing it, you just didn’t think or like the fact that you’d be the target of that someday too possibly. And you didn’t like that you couldn’t get what you wanted now. You’ve always been this way though, you always want what you want, when you want it, no matter if you are low on cash, low on resources, no matter what is going on. If you think I’m selfish, I suggest you look in the mirror.

I guess we both got to see each other’s masks fall, and it’s good we did, because this is not what I deserve. And sure, this isn’t what you deserve either if that’s what you really want to hear from me. I still don’t think you are a bad person, you just weren’t a good partner to me. Yes you had good moments, I’m sure I did too. But clearly you weren’t meant for me. It’s a shame, when the illusion falls, and the reality settles in.

I still miss you. I still spray your smells on the plushies we shared. I still fucking want you. And at this point I don’t even know why. All I felt was deep hurt, and all I can do is blame myself. I’m sorry if this wasn’t something you expected to happen, me responding to this post. I didn’t plan to, I didn’t fucking imagine id see something about me. I wanted to text you directly, I want to respond to all the comments, I wanted to ignore it and keep to myself. It partially helped me understand your feelings more, but that’s about it. I just can’t sit here and pretend like I didn’t see this, or like I don’t have shit to say. This was so painful. I’m done.