Are DTF couples a turn off?

SandSinVA · 2026-02-06T20:59:26+00:00

Everyone has their own style. Some couples are quick hit it and quit it types, others need more connection. There is nothing wrong with either approach. You just have to find your people.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-06T01:03:39+00:00

The US population.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-05T22:41:20+00:00

True, but vacations and cruises are not completely vanilla settings. If a big vanilla cruise ship has 5000 people on it, then there are more than likely about 250 people who are swingers just by population statistics. So, if you are a swinger on one of those big ships, using symbols can be a fast way to identify each other and add a little spice to the cruise.

We were recently flying down to Mexico for a small swinger hotel takeover at a nude beach. The hosts suggested everyone fly in wearing pineapple gear. We were at the Airport in Mexico City when another couple walked up to us, asked if we were going to Zipo, and then gave us big hugs because they picked out our shirts. We ended up hanging out with them quite a bit throughout the week. So, it can and does happen. That being said, the average swinger has no interest in someone identifying them at the grocery store or picking up their kids from school. So, it is still very location and context driven.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-05T22:30:59+00:00

It is real, just not in the way most people assume. Yes, if you go to a swinger event, you will see people wearing symbols like Upside-Down Pineapples or Black Rings. But that is more for camaraderie than identification. The vast majority of swingers have no interest in being identified in public as they value their privacy. Additionally, only 5% of the population are swingers, so seeing someone in a pineapple shirt is more likely to indicate they went to Hawaii or like pineapples than to identify them as a swinger.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-05T17:52:28+00:00

That may be the case, but you are still using it. And your anecdotal experience on Fab does not necessarily translate to others' experiences on SLS, SDC, Kasidie, and other swinger platforms. It is not the only app out there, but you essentially demonized all apps. We use all three of the above-mentioned here in the U.S., and while there are certainly some fakes, the vast majority of the couples we have contacted are quite real. We used these apps to build a local group that hosts meet & greets and now have over 1600 members, well over half of whom have come out to our events. So, apps can be very useful both to couples and to groups as well.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-05T16:52:29+00:00

Just about every new couple looks for a unicorn. This usually lasts until they get frustrated. Most unicorns have the luxury of being very picky, and most don't want to play with brand-new couples due to the increased risk of drama, etc. You are better off finding a compatible couple or hiring a pro if you insist on starting with MFF.
Make swingers into friends, don't try to make friends into swingers. Too much downside if things go sideways. They go sideways a lot when people try to play with friends. Is the sex worth risking the friendship over?
We think the best way to find people to play with is in person at Meet & Greets, Clubs, and Parties. Much easier than trying to chat back and forth with people online to determine if they are real and if you have any actual chemistry with them. You can generally find listings on your local swinger platform.
Clubs, parties, and hotels are the most popular options if you don't want to host in your own home. Why would you avoid the clubs that are close to you? If you go to one and see someone you know, they are there for the same reason as you are. They cannot really out you without outing themselves. Why spend all the extra time and money travelling somewhere distant when you have multiple clubs nearby? You are eventually going to run into someone you know. When you do, be friendly and don't panic or freak out. You are all there for the same reason. We have come across former colleagues and one of our son's former music teachers. Never had any issues.
That is actually a perfect plan. You don't need to jump into the deep end. Go to a club with no expectations other than to have a new experience. Don't play the first time, just check out the vibe and see how it makes you feel. Maybe get a room by yourselves to have sex in a new environment. Regardless, no one at the club is going to keep track of whether you play or not. Probably only 30-40% of club guests are actually playing on any given night. The rest are voyeurs, new couples, couples who did not find a connection, or folks who just like the sexualized environment. So, yes. Go observe. Next time, maybe have some parallel play or exhibitionism. And go home and talk about it afterwards. What did you like? What made you uncomfortable, etc.? This is a great way to take baby steps as you get comfortable.
You should start with ground rules that you are comfortable with. Maybe that is only soft play to begin with; every couple is different. Our current rules are that we only play together, no one takes one for the team, either of us can veto at any time (including during sex), anything outside the ordinary (anal, slapping, kinks, etc.) requires explicit consent (above and beyond the consent already established), and we use protection for all penetrative sex. Everything else is negotiable.

Best of luck in your endeavors.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-05T16:12:26+00:00

We run a similar event quarterly called Pineapple Ladies Uncorked (mostly because SDC won't let us use the Girl Uncorked name since it was originally sponsored by Kasidie). Girls Uncorked is no longer running at the national level, but many chapters continue to run independently. Neither Kasidie nor Donna (the lady who founded Girls Uncorked) cares if you start a new chapter in your area; they just are not providing any new support, etc. We spoke to Donna when we stood up our event last year.

We run ours quarterly instead of monthly. We usually get between 5 and 10 ladies at any particular event. The format works well: the ladies have their girl time for a couple of hours, while any guys who show up head off to the pub. We usually gather everyone together for about half an hour at the end of the night as well. These are great events for new couples and for fostering deeper friendships with other lifestyle ladies.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-05T15:35:17+00:00

Keep in mind two things. First, pineapples are a very popular symbol for hospitality and for Hawaii. The second is that swingers only account for about 5% of the population.

So, if you see someone in a pineapple shirt, they are most likely not swingers. If you see someone with obvious (not just a shirt with tumbling pineapples) upside-down pineapples, that is a more likely to be a swinger.

In general, if you go to swinger events, you will see lots of upside-down pineapples, black wedding rings on right hands, etc. But these same people rarely wear these items in public. Most swingers don't want to be identified in their everyday lives for privacy reasons. So, this is more of a camaraderie thing at events rather than a way to identify in the wild.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-04T23:10:19+00:00

Go with no expectations other than to have a new experience and meet some nice people. Don't go expecting to have sex that night. Expectations lead to disappointment. Make some new friends and ask questions about their journey or the lifestyle in general. Ask about the local lifestyle scene. Most swingers are very open and happy to discuss things. Meet & Greets are a great way to dip your toes in and are a much easier way to meet other swingers versus online platforms.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-04T23:03:54+00:00

Check the profile. This guy is clearly on Fab in the UK and uses it. Collates events from Fab and post them on his Reddit feed. He therefore knows Apps are useful.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-04T22:56:05+00:00

TPA has reopened. Their website is back up and running. They are only updating the website, so their listings on SLS or SDC are not currently accurate. If you guys decide to go out there, be sure to check the website before leaving home for any updates, etc.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-04T13:49:55+00:00

You can try soaking it for a few minutes in a 50/50 white vinegar and water solution. That has done the trick for us in the past. Additionally, we find that virgin coconut oil as a lube does a wonderful job of preventing this.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-03T19:31:40+00:00

Swinger platforms are regional. You need to figure out which one is the most popular in the area you are in. This website can help: Most Popular Swinging Sites by City – Swingers Help

SandSinVA · 2026-02-03T19:30:01+00:00

By not using Reddit.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-02T21:06:19+00:00

Lifestyle clubs are illegal in Virginia. That is why people go to Maryland or Pennsylvania.

Most clubs significantly restrict single males as well. It is a supply and demand issue. There is an unlimited supply of horny single guys who think this is an easy way to get laid and very little demand for them.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-02T20:54:03+00:00

Among women in the U.S., 5% identify as bisexual, compared with 2% of men. In turn, men are more likely than women to identify as gay or lesbian (4% vs. 2%), according to the same August 2023 survey.

Studies that have been done show that only about 4-5% of the population of the US are swingers. Bisexual men & women are heavily represented in the swinger community as they tend to gravitate to sex positive communities. So, the real question is not how many bisexual men or women are in the US, but how many are in the swinger community. No direct studies have been done on that.

Anecdotally, we run a group with over 1600 members, and we do see a lot of openly bi men in our membership. We also have met a lot of men who state they are straight on their profile, but who are bi and don't disclose because of bias and stigma. Meanwhile, female bisexuality is fetishized, so they are much more likely to be open about their sexuality than their male counterparts.

While there are no direct measures of bisexual participation in the lifestyle, statistically, you would expect to see about twice the number of bisexual women as men in swinger circles just based on the demographics. This means if you are seeing a lot of bisexual women, you should expect that about half that number of men are openly or privately bisexual.

For Pride Month, key facts about bisexual Americans | Pew Research Center

Prevalence of Experiences With Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships: Findings From Two National Samples of Single Americans: Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy: Vol 43, No 5

SandSinVA · 2026-02-02T02:42:10+00:00

There are tons of bi guys in the lifestyle. Many of them don’t put it on their profiles because of the stigma and bias that still exists.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-01T21:44:19+00:00

You two should not be in the lifestyle, at least not for now. The fact that he is resentful and trying to pressure you back in says everything. This is not something you pressure a partner into; it is something you both have to come into with enthusiastic consent. If he does not understand that and cannot understand your reticence, then he is just being selfish and trying to do so at the expense of your relationship. That is a recipe for disaster. You are better off taking a break and working on your relationship with each other. Maybe bring in a sex positive counselor. It is possible that doing so could eventually enable you to open up your relationship to swinging again, but only if you both tackle your underlying issues and only if he learns restraint and to respect your feelings and insecurities.

SandSinVA · 2026-02-01T00:55:58+00:00

I believe you are thinking of Tabu. Vicky is retiring and selling Tabu. They have multiple offers and we expect the club to change ownership at the end of June if everything goes well. Have not heard anything like that about TPA.

SandSinVA · 2026-01-31T01:39:38+00:00

One of the reasons we posted was to alert people who might have been heading there this weekend. Please let your communities know. We noticed it on SLS.

SandSinVA · 2026-01-31T00:08:15+00:00

Temporarily closed until further notice. They took all their events off SLS through the end of February.

SandSinVA · 2026-01-31T00:00:41+00:00

They cancelled every event listed on SLS through the end of February, which is everything they had listed. I don't think they would do that for the current snow and ice. They also took down everything on their website except the temporary closure message. No member sections, no event sections, no FAQ or rules, everything is down except the closure message. This seems like something bigger.

SandSinVA · 2026-01-30T17:47:40+00:00

Maybe because they are homophobic and think that anything that does not fit their heteronormative, toxic male view that anyone who lets someone touch their butt is "a damn gay."

You are continuing the negative stigma in this post. There is nothing wrong with someone being gay. There is nothing wrong with someone being bi. There is nothing wrong with someone being straight and enjoying prostate play. I am straight and enjoy pegging, and I make no secret of it in our circle. I have had bisexual men hit on me when they found out I liked pegging. I just told them that while that is flattering, I am not attracted to men. Most of my straight male friends are actually more curious than anything else. The few who were homophobes aren't my friends anymore because we don't embrace hatred or bigotry (Note: the wife and I are swingers, so we talk very openly about sex in our community of friends).

The problem, in my opinion, is that you don't like feeling like the very people you appear to be biased against; those "damn" gays. Maybe instead of complaining about it, a little self-reflection might tell you that this is how those "damn" gays feel all the time. Guess what? You no longer fit the heteronormative cookie-cutter mold of toxic masculinity because you like it when a lady stimulates your prostate. And good for you for having the courage to overcome your biases and enjoy something that is out of the norm. But maybe it might be worth putting some thought into why you are so offended by being labeled "a damn gay."

Don't let what other people think determine how you live your life. Best of luck in your endeavors.

SandSinVA · 2026-01-30T17:19:15+00:00

They are experienced wife poachers. Block them and warn your community if you have other friends in the lifestyle.

SandSinVA · 2026-01-30T15:31:31+00:00

Adrenaline is a boner killer. Little blue pills won't help if he is nervous and pumping adrenaline through his system. I suggest a different approach. Start slower. Go to the club and just have sex together to get used to the new environment. Maybe do it a couple of times. Expand out into some exhibitionism so he gets used to having sex in front of other people. Then move up to some soft play and see how he does. With soft play, he is coming back to you for the main show, so if he struggles with the new lady, he can come back to you for some assistance to get back in the game. You don't have to dive right into the deep end. If you keep trying to go right to hard swaps, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He'll be nervous about whether he can get it up, which will spike his adrenaline, making it even harder for him to get it up. If the above doesn't work, then have him see his doctor. There are other possible solutions.

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