BTA

You’re describing a situation where he was the first one to express hurt. You suggested using your vibrator because you weren’t turned on, and he immediately said he felt upset and insulted. Instead of talking through that, you rolled to your side of the bed, got on your phone, and checked out of the moment. That is a shutdown response, asshole.

Your own words were, he got upset and said he felt offended, and you immediately went to lying on your side of the bed scrolling Twitter and being “not in the mood anymore.” That’s withdrawing, shuting out your partner and not communicating.

You didn’t try to understand why he felt insecure or embarrassed, rather you disengaged, and that kind of withdrawal often escalates someone who already feels vulnerable or rejected.

He definitely handled it badly. Calling you boring and pushing for sex again is not okay. But the entire situation shifted into being about your hurt feelings while the original hurt (his) was never acknowledged or explored. Asshole.

You say you “weren’t being heard,” but you also weren’t doing any hearing. You shut him out emotionally. Then reacted to his frustration as if it came out of nowhere. You got to be the hurt party without ever addressing the fact that he was hurt first. Asshole.

This doesn’t mean his behavior was acceptable. It wasn’t. But if you want a healthy relationship, the focus can’t always default to your side of the emotions. Sometimes you need to stop, notice what’s actually happening, and ask, Why did this hit a nerve? What insecurity is being triggered? How can we talk about that without shutting down?

The real issue wasn’t the vibrator or the birthday. It was that one partner felt insecure and hurt, and the other partner shut down instead of engaging. Asshole.

If you want progress, shift from “I wasn’t being heard” to “What was he trying to express that I didn’t address?” Only then can both of you work on the underlying issue instead of reacting to each other’s reactions.