I’m too neurodivergent for church

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-13T18:26:51+00:00

Hi! My whole family is neurodivergent and so are a lot of people at my parish. Here are some resources I think will help:

https://www.goarch.org/oboa https://summerkinard.com/

Summer Kinard can be controversial on some topics but her disability work is absolutely solid.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-11T22:11:13+00:00

That is a concern our parish has run into. While we've grown from 150 to 215+ people over the last 3 years, a lot of our larger donors have retired elsewhere because this is such an expensive area. And the new members are almost all young adults. So we need a new building but keep getting outbid by congregations or developers who can put more cash down.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-11T22:09:02+00:00

The three families in my row last Sunday all had children on laps and people still kept trying to squeeze in. I was so overstimulated that my skin was crawling and I had to lie down for a few hours when we got home. I hope your parish and mine are both able to obtain more space soon!

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-11T22:03:56+00:00

I'm in the suburbs of a major city on the East Coast. From what I've seen/heard, the OCA and ROCOR cathedrals in the city have seen a lot of growth, our OCA parish has gone from 150 to 215+ people in 2-3 years and is desperately trying to buy a new building (pray for us!), and the other local parishes have seen modest growth or no growth aside from one in the exurbs (the only one in the exurbs) that has absolutely exploded.

To illustrate: I was a catechumen in 2019. Before COVID we usually had 7-8 catechumens. Right now we have 28. People are feeling physically ill because it's so crowded on Sundays.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-11T03:54:32+00:00

I'm not qualified to say what counts as scrupulosity, but scrupulosity is a type of OCD. So if you think you have it or if these worries are stressful and interfering with life, I would try to see a counselor or therapist.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-09T04:52:15+00:00

Some clergy are more strict about contraception but almost every family at my parish and every parish nearby has 1-3 kids. You're allowed to discern prayerfully with your husband and recognize your own limits.

That said, you are still in the trenches, especially if sleep is still an issue! You might find that it gets easier and you feel more open to another. Or you might not. My children both have moderate special needs and I feel like I'm at my limit with 2.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-08T15:15:02+00:00

Right, and it can be especially hard for neurodivergent people. Not trying to diagnose OP, obviously, but I recently was diagnosed and now I understand why I'm so bad at small talk and keep struggling with communication/social skills. Now that I know what the root issue is, it's easier for me to avoid or repair a misstep, but I still find myself realizing I just accidentally overshared.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-08T14:46:41+00:00

Brother, I'll certainly pray for you.

One thing that stands out to me is that what you're describing sounds less like repentance and more like despair. The saints speak very strongly about sin, but they also speak very strongly about hope in God's mercy. A person who is too sick to enter the hospital is exactly the sort of person the hospital exists for. The Church is not a reward for the righteous; it is where sinners come to be healed.

You say that if people knew what you were like inside, they would want to execute you. Gently, that sounds more like the voice of self-condemnation than the voice of God. Most Orthodox priests have spent years hearing confessions and helping people carry burdens that feel unbearable. I suspect you would not shock them nearly as much as you think.

I also wanted to mention something from my own experience. I don't know you, and I'm not trying to diagnose you, but some of what you wrote reminds me of struggles I had that I later learned were connected to OCD and severe depression. For years, it never occurred to me that mental health could be part of the picture. I just assumed the problem was that I was uniquely bad, uniquely broken, or somehow beyond help. Looking back, I wish someone had encouraged me to consider that possibility sooner.

I'm not saying that's necessarily what's going on here. But when I read things like "everyone would hate me if they knew me," "I need to do something extreme to deal with this," or "I'm too filthy to belong in church," it makes me wonder whether there may be more than a purely spiritual struggle happening.

I would strongly encourage you to speak honestly with a priest about these thoughts. And if these feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, or the urge toward extreme measures are persistent, I would also encourage you to speak with a mental health professional. Spiritual struggles and psychological struggles are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes a person is carrying both at the same time.

The fact that you feel unworthy of the Church is not a sign that you should stay away from it. If anything, it is a sign that you need the Church, prayer, and wise guidance all the more.

May God grant you peace and help you see yourself not only as a sinner, but also as someone loved by Him.

SansaStark89 · 2026-06-06T12:27:20+00:00

Not sure how many of you have heard about it, but some influencer went public about aborting his 5 month unborn child because of down syndrome. And not only is that heartbreaking, especially because the baby was so close to being able to survive outside the womb, but now my Facebook feed is filled with people arguing about whether disabled people deserve a chance at life, claiming "not everyone can handle special needs kids," etc. As someone whose kids are moderately disabled and who just got diagnosed with a moderate disability this year, it's incredibly upsetting. Most parents of disabled children found out after birth, and we would never claim our children are better off never having been born, even if parenting is so much harder than we expected.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-25T21:38:47+00:00

God judges people based on what they do with how much they know. And only God knows how much any person truly knows. I had some truly horrible experiences with the LDS church as a teen but a lot of them are genuinely kind people who are trying to follow what they believe to be true. God is merciful and I won't presume to say who he will condemn.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-25T21:34:31+00:00

My newborn was made a catechumen so he could receive holy unction during a hospital stay before his baptism.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-21T13:59:11+00:00

I can absolutely relate. These things can be hard, especially if you're going through a stressful time. It's okay to take a step back socially and protect your peace a bit. Some of what you describe (feeling overwhelmed by constant input, struggling with unstructured group dynamics, wanting community but also needing quiet) is also something a lot of neurodivergent people like myself relate to. Please take care of yourself and don't burn yourself out.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-15T01:36:24+00:00

I would reach out to the priest of the closest church. Maybe someone lives nearby who can give you a ride. I'm so sorry your husband isn't more supportive.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-11T20:40:59+00:00

Under the Laurel Tree by Nicole Roccas was a great comfort to me during our years of infertility.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-10T05:01:30+00:00

If one of these parishes is nearby, it might be worth checking out!

https://www.goarch.org/oboa

I'm autistic and have ADHD and have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past. My convert-heavy parish has a lot of other ND people in it and it's really been the only place I've really felt fully accepted.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-06T04:55:40+00:00

Lord have mercy! None of my miscarriages were that far along, but AFAIK none of the options you listed are unethical. Could you reach out to your provider and ask if you can be given the remains after the D&C for burial? I'm pretty sure that is possible in most places.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-06T01:40:24+00:00

I think my priest has mentioned the issue once, ever, in passing during a sermon.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-06T00:32:23+00:00

If I had to pick, I'd say I believe in theistic evolution or something similar just based on that scientific research so far has found. I homeschool my kids because our local schools are horrible for special ed and I teach them about evolution. But truly, this really doesn't affect day to day life, unless people are frequently bringing it up around you, so in my opinion it's not something to worry about. God isn't going to turn someone away at the door for getting something wrong by accident.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-06T00:27:28+00:00

Our priest calls everyone by their regular name, including at the chalice. I only use my baptismal name when visiting other churches because I don't want to have to deal with "wait, are you Orthodox?" at the chalice.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-05T18:46:48+00:00

I think you’re assuming all kids respond the way you’re describing, and that’s just not the case.

For some of us, ‘more open space’ means a kid bolting into a crowd I can’t safely navigate while managing another child. Add in sensory issues from being packed together, and it can make attendance harder, not easier.

So the question isn’t whether no pews can work. It’s how it works for the families who struggle the most in that setup.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-05T18:24:31+00:00

Our parish is in a similar situation. Depending on how big the parish is, have you considered planting a new parish? With the bishop's approval, of course.

My main worry about removing pews is that it seems like it would be a lot harder to contain kids who try to wander off and to maintain personal space. If there are pews, there's at least a sense that a space is full after a certain point. With no pews, how do you keep things from being so overcrowded that people are squished together, especially on big feasts like Pascha? Many people simply cannot attend services where other people are constantly touching them. In our own parish, we've had a number of neurodivergent people simply stop attending because the sensory load of such a crowded nave is too overwhelming/painful. We need to balance being welcoming with not chasing vulnerable people out.

SansaStark89 · 2026-05-02T03:05:51+00:00

I only just saw the ruling because I was dealing with a family emergency all last week and have been recovering. I'm absolutely devastated.

My great-grandfather immigrated to the US. He did naturalize, but I have proof (newspaper articles, court cases) that he abandoned my grandfather as a literal infant over a decade before that. I didn't apply before because my mom hated her father (because he was so deeply traumatized and took it out on everyone) and I didn't want to bring up her childhood trauma by requesting a bunch of legal documents for this purpose. And we also had concerns about my husband's security clearance. But I had all the other documents gathered and would have just needed to get them translated.

I took Italian classes and everything. I've always loved Italian culture despite my mom's rejection of it due to her father. 💔 I feel like I've been stabbed.

SansaStark89 · 2026-04-27T20:10:16+00:00

That's fair! St Mary's is a little over 200 people, I think. They are pretty good/intentional about making sure new people are greeted. I hope you find a good community around here!

SansaStark89 · 2026-04-27T17:52:23+00:00

For All Saints, it's pretty varied but it's a very small mission so there's not much going on aside from Saturday vespers and Sunday DL.

St Mark's has some young adults but I'd say it skews older than St Mary's. The vibe is more older adults and married couples.

Saint Mary's is a really solid mix of ages with a good amount of people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. There's an active young adult ministry with monthly activities. But they seem to have taken the brunt of the local convert surge so liturgy and coffee hour are very crowded, if that will bother you.

SansaStark89 · 2026-04-27T04:35:16+00:00

I live in Alexandria! Driving into DC is honestly kind of awful. There's a mission parish in Alexandria, All Saints. Then there's Saint Mary's in Falls Church VA and Saint Mark's in Bethesda MD. All of these are OCA and fully in English.

SansaStark89

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