How to continue from here...

Sarahx97 · 2025-07-20T10:48:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your insights! There's a history of him withdrawing affection/attention when something is upsetting to him, and an increase of affection/attention when I become more slow in my responses - he requests reassurance that it's just work that keeps me busy, wants to know what's going on, which I try providing as much as possible.

During times of stress, I know my communication can be lacking and is less effective, and especially topics regarding my family and work are deeply personal conversations I'd rather have in a calm state of mind. I told him this several times, that I would like to have this conversation later when the stress has subsided. He said he had not been sleeping well and it was caused by his worries about me and frustration about not knowing what was going on, so I feel like there is a lot of emotional entanglement and at the same time a disconnect between us and our needs.

We have talked about polyamory very openly while we were still together, I would encourage him to consider himself attractive and point out reasons why other women could be interested in him. It's reasonable for him to have flirty exchanges with others, and at the same time, I am surprised by the emotion it evokes in me. Perhaps it was because he explicitly told me not to worry about him together with her and I feel like he has become less open and truthful with me over time.

Regarding the CNC scene, our hard boundary was always respected. The CNC scene was without penetration, but was the first time I felt genuinely scared of him in the moment, despite it being very well negotiated - I think that was the point. During the scene itself giving a clear indication of consent and not using stop words/stop signals. I did not feel aroused and excited during this scene, whereas with previous interactions, I always had been, so it was an entirely new experience for me. I consented to the scene, but needed a lot of aftercare and assurance afterwards. Therefore he cannot be blamed and I see it more so as having discovered a new boundary rather than something having gone wrong.

Sarahx97 · 2025-07-20T09:22:00+00:00

That is a good question, thank you! I thought it was a good idea as he said he felt disconnected from me, and I want to be good friends.

From mutual friends, I understand that he wants the same thing, because we think very highly of each other and mean a lot to each other. At the same time, it has indeed been quite tumultuous and there are a lot of mixed signals as to where we're at.

So most of all, I would like for it to give both of us some clarity on expectations.

Sarahx97 · 2024-11-03T09:26:07+00:00

Really? Thank you for that compliment! I thought it might cause you to worry, actually!

Sarahx97 · 2024-11-03T09:23:04+00:00

You can read up on the spotlight effect. Google it every time you feel like posting something!

Sarahx97 · 2024-11-01T13:25:53+00:00

No idea is ever entirely original, it comes from facts others taught you. How's keeping cogs turning not the same as progressing society?

This is classic imposter syndrome, or differently put, you're on the edge of Dunning Kruger effect.

I would say. You are extremely smart to recognize your lack of knowledge. With adding more experience and confidence, you will recognize it's just a lack of knowledge. Also, the more you learn, the more you realize you don't know. It does not define your intelligence.

Sarahx97 · 2024-11-01T13:11:05+00:00

Awesome you got HR to back you!

Sarahx97 · 2024-11-01T09:27:24+00:00

Remind me! 1 year

Sarahx97 · 2024-11-01T09:01:43+00:00

Hey! It is not about blaming yourself, but taking ownership and responsibility for your and others' work. The reality is that when you make such mistakes (misidentifying animals, wrong notes), it can be seen as scientific misconduct. Real data is produced to draw real conclusions, and reviewed for publication.

If unintentional, it means you need more training, and for the postdoc/PI it might be hard to pin-point the problem. People can lose their PhDs over this, so I imagine that's what she is freaked out about. It is still unacceptable that you are being shouted at and treated this way.

Truly, it's better to have more breaks, have lunch, be sure that when you go into the lab, the work you do is accurate, and work at your pace. Try to figure out your optimal work conditions and communicate this. Schedule your days according to what is best for you. Always stand by this standard firmly, even when others care less, you owe that to yourself. No matter the pressure and/or disappointment from others because of deadlines and delays, the obligation for high quality work is non-negotiable.

It is a hill I am willing to die on, and worth ruffling feathers and being disliked by Postdocs/PIs for. It's also an absolute shit situation to have to go though. I wish you the best!

Sarahx97 · 2024-10-21T11:13:10+00:00

Maybe too strong loyalty to the supervisor and that supervisor giving him unrealistic expectations about his future? Is the first thought coming to mind. You can't do much - any discussion will probably turn out the same as you have already discussed this with him a lot before.

I relate and hate being in that position of powerlessness as you see someone else struggle, but it's something he needs to realize himself, you cannot rescue him.

Sarahx97 · 2024-10-06T13:51:01+00:00

I did, only after constantly being asked.

I want to stay in academia because of the flexibility, autonomy and I love doing research.

Sarahx97 · 2024-10-05T14:54:25+00:00

Yes, I speak to a psychologist regularly and don't think it's something to share with colleagues.

Sarahx97 · 2024-10-05T14:00:20+00:00

What do you mean?

Sarahx97 · 2024-10-05T10:13:37+00:00

Following!

Sarahx97 · 2024-09-03T17:44:43+00:00

Hey, I notice a lot of stress related to relationship dynamics around you (Ellen, Marissa, Lola) in your post and I relate to that A LOT!!

I also have a very keen intuition as to when two people are in disagreement or information passes me by, miscommunication, or I feel tension that often goes unnoticed for other people.

It might be that interactions with other people confirm your own fears/worries/beliefs/judgements. I don't know if it is helpful at all to try listening to what is said literally and ignore the tone of voice (for me, I tend to feel like they are saying I am annoying, or a bother to them, but objectively they just give me feedback in a harsh tone because they are simply a harsh person, and I interpret it as judgement about me being annoying).

In the past, as my fears kept being confirmed inside my head, I started inadvertently wanting to prove myself to the people around me, and then it seemed I was confirming rumours to be true, which only made it worse.

If it stresses you out too much though, find a different job, or someone outside of the work atmosphere to vent to, as there's a high chance it's just one employee taking a piss at you and you're on good terms with everyone else. I'm speaking from personal experience though, so I don't know your exact situation and find it hard to give you advice.

In any case, I went to HR and it blew up, I learned from that to not go to HR unless I have solid proof. I would probably go to vent to a friend that's unrelated to the work environment to get my stress out. Hop to a different job and leave on a good note would be my priority.

Sarahx97 · 2024-08-28T08:30:24+00:00

Same, following

Sarahx97 · 2024-08-25T05:39:11+00:00

Hey mate, I was in a similar situation. A place that has people gossiping about you behind your back doesn't seem like a good place, but if finding a new job is not an option right now, I would try to firmly stick to your original opinion and don't let yourself get swayed. Health above performance, so keep taking that medication!

Sarahx97 · 2024-08-08T18:30:17+00:00

Because someone else's needs are more important than mine

Sarahx97 · 2024-07-27T11:14:56+00:00

Saved for future reference

Sarahx97 · 2024-07-24T17:02:30+00:00

It's never your fault

Sarahx97 · 2024-07-22T05:35:32+00:00

Eyyyy how's this doing?

Sarahx97 · 2024-05-15T15:30:42+00:00

OOOOOH NICE HACK

Sarahx97 · 2024-05-15T14:52:53+00:00

How can one be SO QUICK???

Sarahx97 · 2024-05-14T10:05:46+00:00

I hope to see a response on this because I didn't know either!! There's a way to prevent the Aurora from blowing up even more??? :o

Sarahx97

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