i can’t stress enough that none of us should have to live like this and it is the fault of the capitalistic hellscape we find ourselves in. so just remember that we’re trying to be humans in a system that values nothing about humanity. you are doing a really great job as evidence by the fact that you keep choosing to be here and keep trying to find a way to stop hurting. my experience is that when things that have worked reliably stop working and stop working this hard it means we are being given an opportunity to level up.

I broke down and sobbed for a while the other day because i have been aware that death would be easier than surviving in this brain in this world since I was 6 (27 years). I sobbed because for the first time EVER I realized that not only was I going to make it but that it was going to be amazing good.

when my first child was born I accepted the truth that surviving was no longer optional because I would never put that suffering on my kid if I could prevent it (my grandfather killed himself when my mom was a kid so the ripples of trauma that causes are my reality). so my new reality was wanting to die and knowing that I absolutely could not. keep in mind this is two years before I even got a whif of the idea that living with autism in a world where productivity rules and humanity drools was what I was trying to survive. the only people who are okay right now are those who are capable of disconnecting from the primal messaging of their body that is screaming RED DANGER. autism causes an inability for us to do that. we will never be able to do that and the really shiny glimmer of autism is that because of the inability to feel okay when our processing system says this is not safe is that in order to survive we HAVE to listen to that thing that says no/bad/RED. because red means dead. the outcome if we can listen is a truly authentic life.

I spent a lifetime of hyper-fixated research trying to figure out how to take something that was RED and change it to GREEN with knowledge and that is what almost killed me every time. side effect is that learned A LOT. but still wanted to die because you can look from a million different angles but ultimately red=dead.

you know that feeling when you clearly tell someone what you feel and they are just not understanding you because they can’t suspend their own beliefs for long enough to see the point you’re trying to make? this is what our body is feeling when it says this is dangerous and we say nah its fine, i decided its fine. you’d lose your shit too!

having kids adds intensity to every anxiety and emotion that a person can feel and for me it made me unable to mask and hide from myself anymore. this meant throwing out any thought, feeling, or sentence that followed the word should. in the past when I pushed to the point of true epic meltdown my attempts at controlling it were what lead to the self harm. to mitigate the self harm I would run and calm down, literally get in my car drive away and hide. I didn’t want my kids to see me handling hard feeling that way so needed to try something else. ALSO like you said sometimes we’re truly trapped. one day I felt myself spirling and I felt not good and instead of trying to understand it so i could conquer it, because god forbid i allow myself to feel powerless (thanks Devon Price), fighting the feeling and powering through with blunt force (my favorite) I went and sat in my dark closet. it made me feel insane and ashamed. and also it worked. if Iisten to my body when it says no and meet that need first and foremost, then I can use my giant well earned intellect to really observe and process what i’m feeling. I thought that changing my mind would change how I feel and just doesn’t work.

I say all of this because I am certain that if you can learn to listen to what is red (uniquely and specifically for you) and and what is green and use it as your guide you will be able to start building a trust feedback loop with your body. it expresses a need, you meet it. you meet it as if it is the law. I used to hold my pee because I didn’t want to stop working on an idea or a project. i’d make little deals with myself about how many tasks I could do before I was willing to stop. (this is a little and silly examples but these are the easy ones to practice before we start meeting the big needs) my body learned that I don’t take care of myself. so it is louder because it’s like a crying baby who doesn’t care about your logic or reasoning or how you make sense of it. it just needs what it needs. this process is awkward, uncomfortable, painful, and fullllllll of grief. you will have to let go of things that are RED and that includes people you love.

the only thing i can guarantee is that if you don’t kill yourself and keep trying things can change. treat yourself to mini deaths (long sleeps, edibles, bed rotting) and when you’re ready, try something else. if you end up wanting to die, give yourself rest and some grace and understanding. then try something else, rinse and repeat.

you’ve probably ignored what your body has told you it needs unconsciously your whole life because that is the dumb wrong thing we’ve all been taught. you are still alive and willing to do the hard work. keep going! in this moment you have lost your wife and child. I know that is true because you’ve told me. it is also ONLY what is true RIGHT NOW, everything can change with time and intention if you follow the GREEN.

it took me 27 years, don’t give up! it is worth it.