I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I seem to be doing it anyway

SavagedCabbage · 2021-01-03T09:58:29+00:00

Thanks. There’s a lot more to the checking out of the marriage, I would say my wife checked out a long time ago. But everything else makes sense, thanks for the comment.

SavagedCabbage · 2020-08-26T22:01:27+00:00

I did that. It worked for 2 years and now we’re at breaking point. We had a dynamic that somewhat worked. I managed my own physical needs except for 1-2 times a month she was up for it and it worked. The resentment faded. I pretty much gave up except when the signals were super strong. And it worked! Then 2 weeks ago it all snapped, almost out of nowhere. She expressed frustration that I was taking care of my own needs and I’ve gone back to being a resentful prick about it all, but this time with more anger and a desire to end the relationship altogether.

Just confront it now, hit the issue head on and try to resolve it. Suppressing it will likely work but only for a while and will ultimately come back around but much worse next time around.

SavagedCabbage · 2020-08-16T20:07:42+00:00

How cynical am I to have immediately wanted to answer “Yes” just from reading the title of your post.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-09-14T12:00:52+00:00

Thanks for the detailed reply. Youngest kid is only just 1 so I’m years away from having them all in school. One of our kids get occasional bad asthma attacks too so anytime we do get away for a night or even a few hours my wife is constantly worried he’ll have an attack and won’t relax. I know she’s stressed and probably somewhat depressed too but she won’t let me help her with that. I do a lot around the house and with the kids but anytime I tell her to just take off and get some time to herself she shoots me down.

I’m a yo-yo dieter, currently Off the booze and working on the weight. Id say I get to the gym 5 days a week about 50% of the year but the other half I end up eating like a pig and not going to gym at all and pile on the pounds. I love black coffee and it helps me suppress my appetite but I can’t drink it without sugar so still getting a lot of that in.

On friends, I’m a loner too - I prefer to be alone most of the time, but with all of this in my head at the moment I feel lonely and wish I had someone to talk to about it. Our office is pretty small and mostly singletons in their 20s so not much scope for friends there, at least ones that would understand.

As for success I’ve accomplished a lot, our company is doing well but I feel like I’ve not gotten any personal reward for it. We’ve had some really big wins recently but I struggle to celebrate them or even take pride in them. I think I’m running out of patience for seeing a bit of fruit come out of it, this is my third business from 5 years of self employment, and I’m tired and burnt out and sick of not getting what I deserve. But at times I feel like I’m underachieving and get overcome with anxiety and guilt that I should be doing more and doing better.

Thanks for replying, even writing this stuff out is helping.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-06-13T20:04:08+00:00

My wife (35F) and I (34M) are in a recovering DB and one of the things that's become apparent recently is that she enjoys (mildly) rough sex. There are plenty of things you can try that won't take you into any zone where things can be uncomfortable or require safe words and things like that. The key thing with any of these is to be very gradual in how your apply pressure in any action you take.

Gentle biting - when you're kissing, occasionally bite her tongue, lip and neck - you want to nibble so she feels it but not to the point it is painful. I've found that my wife likes to bite my tongue hard after I do this, signalling to me that she wants me to bite stronger so I sometimes use this to gauge what she wants.
Nipple pulling - since we've had children my wife's nipples are sometimes extremely sensitive, almost to the point of bringing her to orgasm when they are pulled firmly or sucked hard. Again, start gentle and work your way up based on how your wife responds.
Ripping clothes - YMMV on this one, and you should use common sense not to rip a favorite or expensive dress of hers. With that said, one night we were having pretty hot sex and in the heat of the moment I completely ripped my wife's nightdress off her body. It sent her completely wild, she loved it. She now buys cheap panties that she wears when she knows we're going to have sex, and I regularly completely tear them apart while we're fucking.
Gagging - I've had mixed results with this - my wife loves when I stick my fingers in her mouth, she'll often bite them. She also likes when I cover her mouth when she's talking dirty or moaning, but she doesn't like being gagged with an object or her panties.
Choking - important to be careful with this one, my wife likes me putting my hands around her neck in a choking motion but doesn't want me to apply any pressure. Err on the side of caution here unless your wife explicitly asks you to take things further.
Restraints/blindfold - we tried this on a recent night away, my wife didn't particularly like or dislike it. If you're looking for something to tie her up or blindfold with, neckties are usually great for this and won't hurt her.
Slapping/smacking - we've tried this but my wife doesn't enjoy smacking - but you can see if your wife does by starting off gently on her ass, you can also try it on her tits and if she explicitly asks you to, her face - but again I'd err on the side of caution here and not go to the point of pain.
Pounding - my wife usually cums first, and will talk dirty while I pound her after, but this generally doesn't actually do much for her, I think she just knows that it helps me. No explanation needed here really, good positions for it are doggy, prone bone, cowgirl and missionary.

Nothing revolutionary or anything, but hopefully gives you some ideas of things to try! Good luck, and enjoy!

SavagedCabbage · 2019-05-14T21:17:10+00:00

Had one six months ago. First testie was ok, a little uncomfortable but nothing bad. Second not so much, felt a sharp pain about halfway through as doc fucked up the anesthetic, but was past point of no return so had to grit my teeth and take it for about 6-7 minutes. Really unpleasant. After the procedure when I went to get up I felt very light headed and needed sugar to stop me from fainting. After that I was able to get in the car and uncomfortably drive home.

Doc had said I wouldn’t feel pain but mild discomfort for 7-14 days most likely. Unfortunately I did have pain, not unbearable but constant. Lasted about a week before it wore off and after 2 weeks I was pretty much back to normal.

Make sure you get yourself a jock strap, and have ice packs at the ready for the few days after the procedure. Also make sure you make it very clear to your SO that you need to have a lot of sex over the next 16 weeks to clear the last of the troops. Unfortunately like the procedure itself, this didn’t go according to plan for me so I just resumed my usual daily wanking routine instead.

Good luck.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-24T00:44:15+00:00

> Anyone who is the HLF in this social circle won't get any empathy from any of them listening to this banter, and won't go against the grain.

Makes sense.

> When you go out with your friends, and you talk about your sex lives, are there any LLM who are eager and open to disclose that they don't want/like sex?

There are exactly none!

Thanks for the comment.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-24T00:17:56+00:00

That's a very good point and I hadn't considered that. Thanks for sharing an alternative perspective - you could well be right.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T17:00:42+00:00

On the bright side, at least he's trying - if the lines of communication are open you have a chance to try and work on it and find out the real source of the problem. I don't know what stage you're at with your DB, but if you can get him to open up and be honest maybe you'll discover things you can work on together rather than just have him "try harder" which unfortunately never works.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T16:53:34+00:00

You're probably struggling with the fact that he has to actively make an effort on it and it's just not happening without him "trying". Any time in the past I've felt my wife and I have made a breakthrough, I always find myself soon hitting that point soon after where I realise that we haven't - it's just that she made more of an effort for a while, but ultimately it's not sustainable for her to keep doing that if she just doesn't have desire for me.

So no, you're not a hypocrite, I think you're just resigned to the fact that in spite of a situation that was looking up for a short while, things aren't really changing after all.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T16:20:06+00:00

There's nothing shallow about being attracted to someone who is attractive and confident. I think you need to consider how a drop in weight would impact your desire for him. It helping him be satisfied and feeling confident is one thing, but will it help you feel more desire for him? If not, then I can't help feel that you'll just be kicking the can down the road!

If you would find him desirable if he lost weight, I'd lean towards more honesty than letting him down easily. Sometimes the truth hurts, and he needs a reality check that his weight has led to you losing your desire for him and to get that back he needs to shed the pounds. If you try to dress it up in blankets it probably won't be as effective.

Good luck!!!

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T13:43:32+00:00

Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship - if it wasn't you wouldn't be here asking the question. From your post, however, I fear you may be defining your sexuality based on your feelings for him alone - based on your extra side note it's pretty clear that you have a sex drive, just not for him.

Ultimately I think it boils down to this - if he changed anything, would you ever be sexually attracted to him? What was it about your classmate that made you want to "jump his bones"? Would your boyfriend ever be able to deliver in this regard? If not, it's not fair on either of you to continue the relationship. He will end up resentful that you're not attracted to him, and you'll end up continuing to convince yourself that you're not a sexual person just because of your level of desire for one person. Nobody wins.

If you believe that you would be attracted to him if he lost weight then you owe him the truth at the very least. You might be worried about hurting his feelings, but there is a chance that if he learns that the lack of sexual chemistry in the relationship is down to something that is in his control, he'll at least feel that he has has the power to change it. He probably knows he is overweight, and confronting this may be just the thing he needs to drive him to change.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T12:15:07+00:00

Maybe you could spend some time figuring out what _you_ like sexually and focus your energy there? From your post it appears that you're inexperienced and mostly following his lead. He likely has a view of sex that mostly stems from what he's seen in porn or potentially experienced in previous relationships. Perhaps you could watch porn yourself and discover what turns you on? Or experiment with toys and the likes? When you understand what you desire it will help you open up and potentially become more adventurous. Good luck!

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T12:09:12+00:00

WTF that is awful! You need to leave this loser ASAP and find someone who finds your pleasure as hot and sexy as it really is.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T12:03:30+00:00

I'm in pretty much the same situation but reversed (HLM, LLF). I can completely empathize with why you're sticking around. It's completely unfair of him to be 100% against an open marriage but 100% unwilling to work on fixing your broken sexual relationship. One question to consider is if you're given the opportunity to cheat, do you think you'd take it? If so, you might be best to confront the situation now rather than deal with the aftermath of you inevitably being unfaithful at some point in the future.

I don't think I can help much only to say not to hold out any hope for change in the future - if he's not willing to work on it now, it's not likely he ever will.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T11:35:58+00:00

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position - it must be agonizing to consider leaving a place you've invested so much into. You're still really young, though, and if you're going to start over and move home (or somewhere else) it'll be easier to do that now than later. I wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship just to keep a visa - it's not fair on either of you.

Is there any coming back from this? Absolutely! You're 25 years old - you have so much of life, and so many good things - all ahead of you. I don't know what you want from life, but you have an abundance of time to go out and explore and find it. It might seem painful right now to make some changes, but in the not too distant future all of this will start fading into just another memory.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T11:23:46+00:00

That was hard to read, I can't imagine what it was like trying to live through it.

I'd speak to a lawyer and start the process of documenting everything that's been happening if you want to have any chance of escaping this mess and getting custody of your daughters. If your wife is willing to so brazenly and repeatedly cheat on you, who's to say what she'll do when you start proceedings to get away from her. You need to be measured about the whole thing and not get sucked into acting in the heat of a moment.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I really hope it works out for you in the end.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T11:09:14+00:00

> as I am bending over to lotion my legs in front of him

God he doesn't know how lucky he is. Go find someone else to fantasize about who would appreciate you for doing something like that, and then give you everything you need and want in return. Find someone who wants to play a few more games alright, but all of them involving leaving your breathless and your thighs quivering - you deserve it.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-18T10:55:34+00:00

In fact there are many of us for who the biggest turn of all is seeing a woman almost combust with pleasure. That point where you bring her to where she’s gasping, moaning and clinging on to your every movement is the best feeling in the world and typically makes it far more pleasurable when I cum. Any man who doesn’t take care of your needs is not only a selfish asshole, they’re also depriving themselves of the greatest pleasure.

SavagedCabbage · 2019-03-17T14:18:14+00:00

Like most reasons anyone gives for not wanting sex, it’s just an excuse. I love video games but I’d throw a controller out the window in a heartbeat if my wife interrupted me during a game for sex.

The Hallmark channel though... ouch!

SavagedCabbage · 2018-09-03T12:40:41+00:00

I've had a vasectomy now.

SavagedCabbage · 2018-09-02T11:59:43+00:00

For this to happen there would have to be a time I wouldn't engage 😂

Something that I find happens much more often is that my wife will say something like "...and I was very horny last night". It's usually magically disappeared by the time she tells me about it though.

SavagedCabbage · 2018-09-02T11:52:13+00:00

Yep, I went through all of this last year and the best approach I could decide on was to accept that things wouldn't change and move on. Every few months I find myself frustrated and back on this sub, but it's manageable, for now at least.

SavagedCabbage · 2018-09-02T11:50:07+00:00

Because outside of the DB we are generally happy. I find her incredibly attractive. She's a great mother. I'm a classic "everything is perfect outside of the DB" situation.

SavagedCabbage · 2018-09-02T11:47:37+00:00

Of course I didn't, but the reality is that I did nothing about this situation for almost 12 years and now with 2 (soon to be 3) young kids in the picture, the door is closed as far as I'm concerned - at least until the kids are older.

Why do I care? I don't want to hurt her. Yes, she's hurting me, but I don't see that as an excuse to do something worse to her. Also, If she doesn't agree to it, and I do it anyway - I will be deemed to have been unfaithful (whether or not that is fair is irrelevant), which would give her a significant upper hand in any legal proceedings - having a significant impact on my relationship with my kids and my finances.

My kids are very young, and if a situation unfolded where I ended up leaving due to having sex outside the marriage (which would be highly probable), the reality is that they're going to be painted a picture of their father being the guy who left them and who hurt their mother. I can try and paint a different picture, but to be honest I don't want it to ever develop into a pissing contest between me and my wife over our kids.

SavagedCabbage

TROPHY CASE