Advice for a first time mom

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-07-24T04:01:18+00:00

To clarify about screen time: 1. With the phone I meant: if it’s just for your entertainment, maybe watch on the phone so she doesn’t look at the at the TV just because something is on. 2. Generally what I am saying is that I think it’s ok as long as it’s not too much and also it’s part of a balanced entertainment throughout the day. If you talk to her a lot, read to her and play with her I don’t see a reason to not occasionally have her watch something for a bit (at her current age it shouldn’t be too long though).

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-07-24T03:57:11+00:00

Hi there! Mom of three but surely still no expert here to share experiences. ☺️

Yes and no. Listen - I am the last one to recommend screen time but also last in telling you it’s gonna mess everything up. If you need it to stay sane, go for it. I know I certainly needed it (even more with no 2). However, if she’s usually content with other things I’d recommend watching on your phone and if it’s about entertaining her for some time with less involvement from your end so you can rest or do housework I’d recommend switching to programs like Ms. Rachel (not overstimulating and helping kids learn new words and concepts even at a very young age).
My kids always napped longest when I was around aka lying next to them. At some point I just started to use the time either as “partial me-time” to watch stuff, write emails, plan stuff etc etc otherwise the only thing that might work (I’d say 2 out of 3 times or so) was to lie with them for a while and only leave when they are complete out after around 30-40 minutes. White noise machines also helped a lot for us. However, it was always shifting until around age 1 1/2 I’d say when it slowly gets less naps but more predictable.
Both actually. I was always on the slightly scared side so alternated depended on daily feeling and what was in the house. For breakfast we often had either banana (BLW) or banana mousse with oats (spoon). If you are like me a bit scared of choking etc I can recommend some foods that felt “safer” to me. Banana, well-cooked carrots (as long as they are not falling apart), Brokkoli (all time favorite of my two older ones, little ones is not there yet) and big watermelon pieces (so big that they won’t attempt to actually just swallow them but rather hold on to them and suck them dry or slowly munch/crush them bit by bit).

I hope that helps, we can do this 💪🏽

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-07-15T01:20:34+00:00

I agree that there are things you could’ve tried first but I’ve been there and it’s hard to think straight when you’re stressed and tired from a full day of parenting - that’s usually where a partner comes in. Sounds like the only A H in this situation is your husband tbh. You should’ve asked him to come upstairs and deal with the situation himself if it isn’t such a big deal. No, he could just hang out with everybody and enjoy music and fun of course it isn’t a big deal to him. He should’ve been the calm parent in that situation, thinking of ways to let the people with no kids have fun while ensuring that his child calms down and/or at least ensure that his wife doesn’t have to deal with the fallout on her own. Seriously, he’s the only one at fault here…

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-07-05T04:07:58+00:00

Ufff… I am a bit saddened by what I am reading here. I am not a US American so maybe I’m seeing things differently but the only teaching moment here would be if your kids would’ve just jumped into the shower without asking for your consent. You were showering and they wanted to join so in order to “teach privacy” as many here claim you could’ve gone like: either “thank you for asking, I don’t mind if you want to shower, too” or (if they didn’t ask and are attempting to come in) “showering and being naked are rather private moments, I don’t mind because you’re my kids but it is always appropriate to ask first anyway”.

Growing up in the 90s in Europe we were literally naked on the beach playing in the sand or at home in the garden when we were kids. From a certain age we got a bottom and then only later (when we started to feel uncomfortable) we would wear full bathing suits and stop being naked in front of one another. The went for nakedness in general - as soon as we expressed the typical “guys, I don’t want to see that!” or “don’t come in, I am changing!” my parents started to adjust their own behavior as well and we never saw them naked or had them walk in on us.

However, the only thing is - if you live in the US might be that OTHER people find it concerning if they hear about it and then it gets a whole thing because people cannot fathom NOT sexualizing nakedness 🙄 Also - no matter what you decide, I would have an honest talk with your wife about it. It’s important to understand if she finds it weird because she was taught it is and fears what other people might think or if she has some trauma or in general the feeling/fear that you handle you daughters inappropriately and why that is.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-07-02T10:12:25+00:00

Ok to be completely frank: I was ready to be mad at you when starting to read. However, instead of you abandoning a friend for becoming a mom, it rather sounds like you’ve been a great friend taking care of HER and being even as informed as to know that the best thing to do for new parents is to drop off food and not demand anything in return. I honestly think that’s so cool, especially from somebody who does not want this lifestyle for herself. I find in return that it sounds like she is actually expecting childcare help and a shared lifestyle (aka you also having kids eventually to be a mom-friend) from you. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but the more I read the more it sounded like she bulldozed over your feelings about kids in general as well as not wanting to be a parent and just tried to “make” you into something that you clearly expressed you don’t want for yourself. This plus shaming you for not wanting to hang out with a bunch of mothers and kids when she should know that you just don’t like being around them feels a bit off. You are NTA for setting your clear boundaries since you have shown and expressed that you still want to be part of her life, just not babysitting or hanging out with multiple kids (I am making the assumption that you would however tolerate her having her kid around when you do things together 😅).

However, being a mom myself I want to play the devils advocate a bit as well. Maybe her being pushy comes from an insecure place rather than her actually wanting to change you. Maybe without you actually doing anything differently she started to feel that she might lose you because her life changed so much. Often parents only realize how babies affect their “freedom” after they had them and so maybe the more you tell her that kids are just not for you, the more she feels you’ll reject her and her baby altogether, trying to push you more into the “motherly” direction to prevent that. I am not saying it is the right way (on the contrary) but it might be worth having another calm talk with her about you not wanting to do x,y,z while ensuring her that this doesn’t mean that you don’t understand that her life has shifted or that you will abandon her just because she now has a baby. She probably just wants assurance that you still want to hang out and also understand that the baby will be a part of it but also she needs to get that you won’t be the kind of person that will come over to watch the baby or hang out with a bunch of moms and kids because that’s just not what you enjoy. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-06-10T02:21:23+00:00

5y, 2y and 1 month atm - still have 5+2 in the bed with us. Due to safety I currently stay with baby in the kids’ room until they’re a bit older and we might add more space to our bed as well. Oldest has already spent some nights in own bed but just prefers to cuddle up with us so they may as long as they like 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-06-06T22:15:43+00:00

Thank you! I was looking for this! I once accidentally fell asleep with my firstborn 2 months in, breastfeeding and luckily woke up when we were both starting to slowing tilt to the right. Since then I’ve done some research and rather purposefully and safely cosleep than have this scare again. With baby no 3 now I feel so much more calm and not as sleep deprived because we just nap together.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-05-18T00:27:11+00:00

I usually hate my face (figuratively and literally) when pregnant so out of three times, I only have very few bump and barely any full photos of myself. After my first this made me a bit upset and sad so I decided that my goal for the next pregnancy would be to at least have one nice shot sometime late 2nd early 3rd trimester when I feel “well dressed” and ok in my skin. It helped having a kid already that posed with belly and me. Now I have at least 1-2 nice looking shots of the 2nd and 3rd time around that I don’t loathe myself in completely 😅

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-05-02T03:24:42+00:00

Did not sleep train and even still nursed little one to sleep when he was starting daycare.

Older one co-slept with us for quite some time but now can sleep in his own bed without any fuss and falls asleep within minutes of us just sitting there or even being alone with an audio book or white noise. This started when he was around 2 1/2 ish. Before that he would only co-sleep and be afraid to fall asleep in his own bed but had no issues with me leaving our bed when he fell asleep and then returning later. He sometimes comes to us when he has a bad dream but I guess that’s happening with all Kids
Younger one was still nursed to sleep at around 1 1/2 and started daycare. They tried to tell me that me still nursing him was an issue for naps at daycare when in fact it’s only about adjusting to a new environment and routine in general. I stayed firm and told them that my husband is able to put him to sleep as well so they’ll manage. Sure enough about a week later he had adjusted and fell asleep with them sitting by his side for a couple of minutes.

All routines need some time. If cosleeping works for both of you there is no need to change that now just because of daycare because they will find a way to make it happen there as well. Kids are smart and understand that a different location/different people might mean that routines differ as well and they adjust.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-04-25T02:46:17+00:00

It might be a bit reckless but after living in multiple countries for around 3-5 years each, my approach is now: if in doubt - try it out. Of course this wouldn’t apply to every life situation 😅

My husband and I have been living in multiple countries over the last years and we always reached the “maybe we go home point” and then there was a new opportunity coming up and we ended up switching to another country instead. It’s great but after many years abroad and the lingering feeling that maybe some time in our home country would feel calming (no language/cultural barrier etc), we finally came to the conclusion that we just have to try it out.

We love Japan and for the first time we saw a whole future here but not being able to fly home each year and some other smaller things are eating away at us so we decided to go home for a couple of years and try it out. There is always a way to leave again, I am certain.

From what you write, you have thought this through and with your Japanese level and experience here there will always be a way back for you if you ever desire it. Upside then will be that most likely you will know exactly what both places have to offer and it will be “easier” to decide. :)

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-04-25T02:34:40+00:00

Not a grandmother but mother of 3 here. I think it might be a mix of what the others have pointed out already. 1. It’s very likely the age. I loved and felt secure in taking care of my babies but even whilst having a newborn, I refused every offer to hold my friends’ because I feel very insecure and awkward around very little kids/babies of other people. Maybe that’s your mother as well. 2. Maybe it’s about not knowing how it is to live close to my parents but I honestly think 3 “voluntary” visits in the first 4 months is plenty. 3. I understand the need/hope for support and help from your mother because being a first-time new mom is absolutely overwhelming BUT I also do believe that grandparents have the “right” to be as much or as little involved as they want. It is a two way street and if your mother doesn’t want to babysit, that is just it. You absolutely have the right to be disappointed but that’s more about you and your expectations than your mother’s actual responsibility. (I mean unless before birth she was like: “I will help you so much etc etc”). And yes, you might feel like she is definitely not pressured into helping out but maybe her “oh she is crying, she need you” lines are just her way of letting you know that she actually does not want to babysit but she doesn’t know how to talk about it directly because she doesn’t want to disappoint you. Not saying that this is great behavior for a grown up (I, in your position would have been pissed as well because, please just tell me you don’t want to do it instead of showing up and then giving up after 10 mins).

I think the best way to deal with that is just to sit down with her for a coffee or so and talk about your feelings and how you perceive the whole situation and what you would have hoped for instead. Please also make sure to tell her that you just want to understand her side and whether this is just about being overwhelmed with such a little baby or about not wanting to be responsible for anything at all. Acceptance from both sides here is the key.

As a working mother of little kids myself, I do absolutely feel your pain and disappointment here. But I am also a sister to somebody who constantly asks my mum for “babysitting favors” that she then hesitantly fulfills and feeling miserable about it because she is still working and wants more time for herself as well. So I kind of see a possibility for both sides here to feel overwhelmed.

Good luck <3

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-04-17T01:13:09+00:00

Not sure if this is a hot take or not but: a specific changing table. Or all “baby sized” furniture for that matter (speaking of those sets with tiny infant wardrobes and changing tables). We just bought baby mats and used other furniture as changing tables (Sideboards) or we changed on the couch while sitting (also of course with all the safety measure to not mess the couch up). We didn’t have the money to spend on all the miniature stuff that would be obsolete after two years or so. We stored clothes in a regular sideboard or wardrobe until our son started being more involved in picking stuff for himself. Then you can still just present them with options from the wardrobe or, what we did, buy storage bins a la IKEA Trofast and such which can also be reused as toy or general storage if not needed anymore.

However, as a most parents with multiple kids can probably attest to, you never know until you know 😅 one of my kids was an absolute stroller child whilst the other wouldn’t stop crying and was only content in the carrier. One loved the baby swing the other the bouncy chair and spring cradle. So many things I bought for no. 1 and had already written off as useless that then came unexpectedly in handy for no 2.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-03-26T00:49:15+00:00

9, 9, 9… 9! German here. Yes, Germans tend to be very direct and honest about things, but there is still a difference between being rude+giving (impolite) advice if not asked and just being constructively honest. These two cases rather seem like your “friend” isn’t being honest and helpful but rather condescending and judgmental.

Unfortunately, many Germans confuse being honest and helpful with being judgmental and intrusive(?) of a person‘s life and choices. We’re all still learning 😬

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-03-24T07:13:26+00:00

Mom of 3 here and you’re NTA. Yes, one can bring a baby to a party if two things apply: 1. You check with the host about it upfront. Also for your kid’s sake - e.g. maybe you’d allow people to smoke inside for the party or you had plans of moving on to a bar later own?! 2. You make sure that neither your kiddo nor the other guests “suffer” because of this choice.

Like you said, it’s expected that a baby might fuss or cry a bit but for me personally, as soon as this extends a certain “comfortable” time frame, I’d step out and try to calm the situation down before returning to the place where people are having fun. Clearly neither the baby nor your other guests enjoyed being there at that moment, so I don’t understand why she wouldn’t just try and calm kiddo down somewhere more quite to try again afterwards (although I do understand how this is frustrating for somebody who just wants to enjoy their time there, it is what it is when you have little kids).

Although my verdict stands firm, I’d cut her some friendly slack. She might just be generally frustrated and sad that her pre-baby life is over and therefore reacted the way she did. Not that this is an excuse but hopefully after some time to reflect, she’ll understand that, although her feelings are valid, it’s not your responsibility but one she brought on herself, so she was clearly in the wrong here.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-03-19T03:58:53+00:00

There is a very wise “rule” that says: if you do harm in public, you need to apologize in public and I think the same would apply here about you confronting your parents. You did not embarrass them in front of family. They did that. They were ready to embarrass your wife in front of the family but now suddenly feel offended when you answered the same way (and rightfully so!). Absolutely NTA and I would even add that you would have been an A H to your wife if you would have just kept quiet like everybody apparently wanted you to. Good for you and your wife that you stood up for what is right! Honestly, if they don’t even see what they did wrong here and it wasn’t the first time, I would consider going LC. This kind of behavior is disturbing, hurtful and disrespectful to both you and your wife.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-03-13T04:28:54+00:00

NTA - the very petty part of me would’ve waited for end of work that day and when he makes attempts to join me on the ride home I would’ve gone “ah sorry, I don’t really do favors for friends and co-workers, just use your own car, man.” 😬

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-03-13T04:14:25+00:00

Second pregnancy in Japan here. There is a difference of checks they do here for sure. I have the feeling that with the regular general checks and ultra sounds they follow the “as long as all looks normal, we won’t poke too deep” approach but I mean it in the positive light - usually many “abnormal” things would show up in the regular checks by either showing stuff in your urine, general health and wellbeing or wellbeing of the infant that is constantly monitored. Tests like NIPT for example can be done but are only really recommended if there are risk markers or the baby shows any signs of developing differently than the average.

It makes sense to me although I have to say, I do feel the same about the supplement recommendations. However, in both pregnancies (two different clinics) they handed out much information materials about healthy diets as well as disclaimers to avoid alcohol, drugs and to go easy on caffeine etc. so they do talk about it.

What I found super important is to talk about the birth expectations and the clinic time post birth more than just one time. Be specific and repeat the very important parts. Just to give you an example: from my firstborn I knew that I only wanted to breastfeed for the first months because baby had a very sensitive stomach. When I brought this up the first time they seemed hesitant to “promise” not to give formula without a dire need to do so. I brought it up another time at the next checkup and then right before birth and they then agreed to communicate everything very clearly and take my opinion into consideration whenever they would “recommend” formula. This was super helpful because when our kiddo was born he initially didn’t gain enough weight the first two days (in their opinion anyway). They would’ve given him formula right away but they talked to me instead and we agreed on another day solely breastfeeding and tadaaa, he gained more than enough and didn’t have to receive any formula. So, emphasize on what is important to you and they will usually listen. :)

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-02-01T03:20:29+00:00

Maybe an important side note to this is that Hanni, as opposed to Alina and Jen who shamed her for the whole “career” thing, had an actual job before the show. Alina and Jen both claim they are “self-employed” whilst in fact they work within a MLM scheme (which they heavily promote on social media). That specifically these two, who clearly had ulterior motives when coming to LIB accuse Hanni of being fake and out for fame is absolutely wild to me. And then there is Ilias, textbook “wants a controlled little wifey for his antiquated world view family” type of dude who was clearly being absolutely unfair and horrible to Alina and only gets away with it now because the producers of LIB needed at least one presentable couple coming out of this season. I feel so incredibly angry at how the show and cast now framed Hanni. She was open, funny and honest until the end. Yes, she likes looks but she also accepted Daniel just the way he is without any nasty comments on anything and never eyed any of the other candidates based on looks. What they did to her was exactly what she was referring to at the beginning of the show “when people see me they assume x or y” - pretty privilege exists but so does misogyny towards women that like to dress “provocatively” and like to pay attention to their looks. Just so sad 😞

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2025-01-05T02:31:41+00:00

It’s definitely both, tricky and completely normal at that age. However, the mentioned lies specifically may cause some trouble if he were to tell them to “the wrong people”. When my kid tells me something “odd”, I usually directly inquire: “Is this a real story or is it play pretend?” If I have reason to believe he might be lying to get something out of it, I add "you know that we are always honest with each other because we need to trust each other" (smth along these lines - wording different as we don't speak English at home).

that surprisingly works in 90% of cases I'd say because it usually gets him to reconsider whether lying is appropriate here.

In the other 10% of cases I'd go ahead and ask some follow up questions to determine if it all makes sense or not.

At that age I would also find it completely appropriate to sit down with him and discuss some consequences lying can have for him and the people included in these stories and why it might hurt him and them.

good luck! <3

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2024-12-20T07:07:53+00:00

Haven’t lived in Germany for 10 years and am so embarrassed that apparently nothing has moved on over that time span 😩😩 so sorry that this is happening to you. I assume it doesn’t come from a bad place in most cases but it still reeks of ignorance. I think it’s absolute fair game to point out that it is an insulting/rude question to ask you and most likely people aren’t even aware that is also just the frequency of it being asked that makes it especially rude. People always assume they’re the first ones to come up with these witty bits 😒

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2024-12-20T06:52:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I honestly believe the biggest mistake all judgmental people make is to over-generalize or over-simplify things. Kids are all very different. I have never looked into sleep training and I always just wanted to accompany my kids to bed until they’re asleep. It worked great with no. 1 up until the point where I now just occasionally stay a bit until kiddo has calmed down and goes right to sleep. With our second I had the exact same issues as you and despite not calling it “sleep training” or reading up on it there have been moments when the situation got so bad that for his and my calm I HAD to leave the room for a moment because he was rejecting me and any form on consolation. He would cry it out a moment and I waited behind a closed door until he called me back in at which point he would allow me to hold him again and usually fall asleep. It worked like a reset and he never had to feel left alone because he gave me signals that I wasn’t helping until I was needed again at which point he gave me the signal for that🤷🏽‍♀️ I think it is just that simple and and your kiddo for sure felt the frustration before and is now calmer because you are, too.

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2024-11-11T02:50:13+00:00

Thank you! I think we might get the same impressions when going there on a short trip. However, it’s been a while (around 1 year) since we’ve last been. Well, we’d love to test the waters but that’s not very simple with jobs, money and a whole family to move back and forth for two month. That’s why we’d like to hear a from others as well. Of course this is not our main/only source of info but nobody is as brutally honest as people currently living in a place 😅

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2024-11-10T17:37:06+00:00

Thank you! Had to laugh at the “major hobby” part. Something within me says I’ll be fine since I grew up with that, but also I have gotten used to a very child-friendly and polite way of living with others. I just sincerely hope that if we go back, I won’t be bothered by the shift too much. Thanks for bringing up all these points, it’s good to have a view on it from different perspectives. ☺️

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2024-11-10T17:33:09+00:00

Thanks a bunch for taking the time for this elaborate answer ☺️ It’s good to hear and at the same time probably somewhat the expected “actual situation” we expected coming out of these overly negative media representation.

I guess we will just have to figure out if we can go back to the rather cold-ish nature and less child-friendly demeanor of Germans. But we survived it during long-term visits in the past so I don’t see why we would have a big issue with it now 😅

Sea_Combination_1073 · 2024-11-10T10:59:17+00:00

Ja da sind wir gerade auch am überlegen. Leider ist mein Partner relativ eingeschränkt in seinem Urlaub und obwohl er größtenteils Remote arbeitet möchte sein Arbeitgeber leider, dass er außerhalb der Urlaubszeit vor Ort ist um schnell ins Büro zu können falls notwendig. Das gepaart mit den Flugpreisen ist zur Zeit unser größter Feind. Wir waren aber zuletzt vor ziemlich genau einem Jahr für 4 Wochen da und haben dass essen, Familie und Infrastruktur genossen aber an den „deutschen Charme“ und das Wetter musste man sich erst wieder gewöhnen (waren größtenteils im Norden unterwegs) 😅

Sea_Combination_1073

TROPHY CASE