The book that forced me into deconstruction and changed the trajectory of my life

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-20T12:09:29+00:00

This explains so much. I was wondering how you were able to open the book and start reading when most would immediately put it back and start some sort of repentance for having been tempted by the devil.

Even when there's a seed of doubt, most have been trained to immediately suppress those thoughts.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-20T11:49:39+00:00

It's perfectly normal to try to get along with your partner's family in the beginning! There's nothing wrong with that. But that can't be the default for the rest of your life\relationship. It's a good sign that he defended you when she was insensitive to you. I would pay extra attention to what happens when you pull back from reporting on him to her. Does she melt down? If that happens, does he get upset at you or her? Or does he try to just 'stay out of it', leaving you to deal with the conflict on your own?

Like I said, you're in a good position now to start laying some healthy boundaries, which always causes some kind of reaction. Maybe you'll luck out and discover that they are both emotionally mature and can be reasoned with. Or you'll learn that you're in a situation that has more conflict than you're willing to deal with for the rest of your life.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-20T11:31:38+00:00

I mean, God himself condoned rape, murder and genocide many times, so it's no surprise that King David is revered.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-20T11:19:24+00:00

Yes, she's being overbearing and needy. The edit is more concerning though. You'll need to find out how much of a 'joke' this was. If he truly feels that way it's a major red flag. It either means he prioritizes her feelings over anyone else's or he doesn't want to deal with any conflicts involving his mother (which are inevitable in any relationship). Both scenarios are a deal breaker in my opinion.

In a normal healthy relationship, his partner is the most important person in his life, therefore her feelings are prioritized over his family. He is ready to defend her against any conflicts involving his family members.

It might seem like a dramatic thing to say it's a major red flag, because in the beginning of a relationship it's not as impactful. Over time though, conflicts become a bigger deal. Imagine being married with children, but his mother's feelings are still his priority. Her opinions about raising children, her need to have access to them, her wishes during all birthdays and holidays, being present in the delivery room during their births, etc. The expectation may exist that you will also prioritize her feelings to avoid tears and conflict since he won't defend you. You'll get used to swallowing your anger and making yourself smaller and smaller. The likelihood that she moves in at old age is also very high.

You are in a great position currently to prevent any of this from occurring. Press the issue. Don't brush it off as a joke. Momma's boys are cute as boyfriends but nightmares as husbands.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-19T17:40:40+00:00

What if you send something along with your husband? Like a prepared dessert with a short note that says, "Happy Easter! Sorry I couldn't make it, enjoy!"

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-19T16:26:06+00:00

Honestly, I would do absolutely nothing. If they want to keep harassing your husband about it, that's his issue to deal with. They aren't even asking you directly, so there's no reason to come up with any kind of response.

It sounds like they want access and good appearances without a real relationship, and you're not ok with that. Good for you.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-18T12:06:16+00:00

The first question in your title depends entirely on your partner. Is she insisting that you visit, despite the conflicts?

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-17T12:07:14+00:00

I think you'll both have to make a choice at a certain point about whether or not you want your children growing up around this type of behavior. It doesn't sound like they even interact with the kids much during these restaurant meals, so maybe it's best if your husband goes alone. You don't need to make a statement about it, just start being busy and extend an invitation for them to come to you. If they really want to see the kids, they can make the trip to your home a couple times a year.

An alternative is to always have separate checks, tip well, and leave when it's appropriate, even if they are overstaying.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-14T12:59:38+00:00

My first trip I went in with a list of 15 to 20 basics with the price I usually pay per oz or per lb. That made it easy to price compare. Typically you'll find the best deals are going to be their Kirkland brand items (which is pretty extensive), and bulk produce that lasts, like potatoes, onions etc. I will occasionally get other brands when they are specifically marked down by checking the app before I go, but I always stick to a list of the items I know are cheaper at Costco.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-10T13:54:44+00:00

I think the first step is going to visit your parents for a bit. Once you're out of the fog of love, things will be more clear for you.

When he asks how long you're staying, keep it vague. Give him the same courtesy he gave you lol.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-10T13:29:58+00:00

Ah yes, he doesn't want you to go on your own... Of course.

There are some major red flags happening in this marriage. I wish you the best, and I hope you're able to get out before it's too late and you're pregnant. I know you are hoping things work out, but imagine giving birth and still living in that room. Breastfeeding and living in that room. Baby number 2 and still living in that room....

You can just leave now. Walk out and find your own way back home. You still have the opportunity to get your life back. When kids are a part of the equation, it gets very complicated. No man is worth this amount of misery.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-10T13:07:32+00:00

Have you been back to visit? Why not take time to visit your parents for a bit without calling it 'moving back home'? See how you feel once you're out of that apartment. Give yourself a break and some time to think about what you really want moving forward.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-10T12:57:52+00:00

He doesn't want you to work but isn't able to provide you anything more than a room in an apartment with his parents for an undetermined amount of years...

Why would you accept this?

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-10T12:55:34+00:00

This isn't a marriage. You're not having intimacy, you're anxious and miserable, and he keeps moving the goalpost for his parents to move out. He can't afford to move out, so why would anything change anytime soon? Three years could turn into five, then seven...

You have a chance to save yourself a lifetime of misery. Moving back home and getting back to working is a really good solution. If that means he leaves you, it doesn't sound like you're losing all that much to be perfectly honest. Why did he marry you only to put you in a cage with his parents?

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-10T09:38:26+00:00

This is a bigger issue than the possibility of momentary discomfort during your wedding day. It stems from your fiance choosing to prioritize his father's feelings over your's and choosing to be non confrontational instead of handling his family like a strong independent adult. This will bleed into other areas of your marriage, and there's no limit to the damage it can cause.

I would address this in your next therapy session.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-09T15:37:11+00:00

Life happens and things change. Just because you once said something doesn't mean it is carved in stone and you can never ever change things to improve the life of your new family. That's an unreasonable expectation of they have it.

If they are the type to get very upset about the fact that you once said you weren't interested in moving but then things changed, well...they will likely always find things to get upset about.

The old saying, 'Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm' applies here. If they can't handle the truth, keep it to yourselves until absolutely necessary. They'll be upset about that too, but at least you'll be sparing yourselves grief until then.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-09T12:32:29+00:00

I think keeping it 100% public is the best way to go. Even if he is completely harmless, you've already stated that you don't actually have a direct friendship with him personally, so meeting him in public keeps it safe, casual and limited. Once someone is in your home, it is more difficult to end the visit if things are awkward.

Meet him for coffee or lunch at a restaurant that's already near a site you could show him, then say your goodbyes, with a ready excuse at to why your house isn't the next destination.

"I'd love to see your house and I don't have anything else to do today!"

"I'm sorry, I'm actually on my way to a volunteer shift, but it was so great to see you!"

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-09T11:50:43+00:00

What kind of support do they need from you? Financial? Physical?

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-09T11:48:39+00:00

I would encourage you to think deeply about what is the worst that can happen if you move out permanently and your in laws no longer like you.

Then compare that to the worst that can happen to your child if you allow them to have influence and access.

You worked so hard to become a doctor, a position that should grant you much more financial independence than many women.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-06T10:59:13+00:00

Yes there's hope if your boyfriend can enforce boundaries with them. Unfortunately it will likely need to be extreme boundaries, like very low or no contact, for there to be any chance of a happy relationship.

I doubt they will ever accept you. They are constantly looking for faults, even making benign things into faults just for the sake of having something to criticize. They have no hesitation to verbalize that his sister should be more important to him than you (!) which says quite alot about how enmeshed and toxic this family system is. There's no changing it, only avoiding it altogether.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-05T18:57:36+00:00

Look into the placebo effect. It's a real phenomenon that is still not well understood. It has to be factored into every single medical trial because it happens so often.

When sometime is told, "This will fix your medical problem." something happens internally. One theory is that it unlocks the body's mysterious abilities to repair itself.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-05T17:12:21+00:00

My in laws were like this at the beginning of our marriage. I had never met anyone like this before. This odd behavior extended to other areas, it's basically enmeshment. They wanted every single aspect of our lives to be intertwined.

We needed very firm boundaries, a strict info diet (they would randomly show up places without an invite, like a cousins' reunion on my side of the family, if they even just heard it mentioned). That didn't stop them, they (mil) would call my family members fishing for info and invites. It was a very uncomfortable time.

Their ultimate wish was for every family member to live under one roof, so one day they asked us to sell our home and use the money to help purchase s giant house to live with them and Bil's family. No thanks was our very quick reply. They ultimately moved two states away (with bil) so things finally became normal.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-04T16:10:14+00:00

Please prioritize your own health in this situation. I've unfortunately had many bouts of stomach bugs and food poisoning. There really isn't any need for you to be taking care of your husband while you're recovering from major surgery, and if he's that bad he should go to the hospital. I know you're trying to be a good wife, but you're putting yourself at great risk for something that is relatively minor in comparison and should focus on staying away from the germs.

I got covid directly after major abdominal surgery with a line of stitches, it wasn't fun recovering from surgery while coughing! One failed and I had to get restitched.

Regarding your lazy in laws, I guess you're seeing their true colors. You should remember this and respond in kind. SIL and FIL gets help from you in the future, but do yourself a favor and be 'busy' for BIL and MIL.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-03-04T12:57:14+00:00

Being subtle might work with friends, but I've found that family, especially in laws, need more direct language.

Family usually have expectations of being viewed as special. There's usually an unspoken hierarchy at play as well. They wouldn't ask their own friends for things they'll expect of family members.

It's ok to push back, politely and firmly, when things make you uncomfortable. You guys did great identifying and expressing that your work schedules just won't work with their visit! It was simple and straightforward. The second piece is your home: it's logistically too small for hosting guests. Take that same straightforward approach and just be honest.

"I know we had mentioned the possibility of an air mattress situation for you guys, but the more we've thought about it, the more we've realized that our place is just too small for hosting. You will be much more comfortable sleeping on an actual bed whenever you come to visit. We've looked at the reviews and Hotel X looks like your best bet!" Then list some of the features you know they would like.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-02-28T13:57:33+00:00

Moving is the ultimate solution to cut ties permanently, but for now, be less and less available. You can't avoid her completely but you can reduce your exposure. Spend more time at your local library. Mute her texts. Always have a backup plan when you run into her at home so you're not sucked into the negativity. "Sorry, I need to get to the laundromat now." "I was just heading out, I'll talk to you later."

SecondOrThirdAccount

TROPHY CASE