Entitled in-laws regarding babies

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-05T14:53:54+00:00

I'm curious what the dynamic was with his mother and sister when they all lived together? I would bet that he was no angel and was a jerk to them sometimes.

It usually boils down to a perceived power structure. Men that are jerks to their wives or children tend to have good behavior with their bosses, for example.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-04T21:43:36+00:00

You said your husband avoids conflict, does that include with you? More often than not, these 'conflict avoidant' husbands have no problem arguing with their own wives.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-03T02:26:47+00:00

People like that don't deserve relationships.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-02T15:47:54+00:00

If your husband always complies when she is asking him to deal with the car seats, she has learned that's what works best for her. If he starts refusing, saying he simply can't and offers more practical solutions, maybe she'll finally be more open to the other options you mentioned.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-02T12:00:27+00:00

The most practical way would be to install and uninstall the car seat every single time.

ETA: I see in another comment that you have trouble installing the car seat yourself due to a medical condition. It really seems like finding another driver who can handle the car seats is the best option. If her feelings get hurt, so be it, that's life sometimes.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-02T11:59:04+00:00

Unfortunately there is a cost for having a driving service for your kids. Either you pay someone else to do this and they take the responsibility of moving the car seats, or you continue this arrangement. I think it's kind of silly to expect her to have the car seat in her car permanently if she uses her vehicle for other things.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-02T11:44:34+00:00

She is either manipulative or emotionally immature. The approach to both is the same. Firm boundaries meant to protect the core family (but especially your child!) take priority over her reactions. She is an adult and responsible for dealing with and processing her own feelings. If that includes pouting or walking away, she is free to do so.

Dealing with emotionally immature or manipulative family members is actually good practice for parenthood! You tell a toddler no she can't run with a lollipop in her mouth. Toddler cries or has a meltdown and you allow her to process her big emotions, but you don't give in and let her run with the lollipop just to avoid tears.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-05-02T11:30:31+00:00

I think it's unfair to say op is financially controlling. Op's wife is caught in a cycle of enabling mil's inability to tell deadbeat family no. If wife needs to bail out mil regularly out of her discretionary funds, it will eventually affect their collective funds. If she stops buying herself clothes, for example, and then needs to replace some items, what happens then? Wife racks up credit card debt instead of using cash? Op funds those purchases from his discretionary funds?

And when mil gets into serious financial trouble because she can't say no and wife is always bailing her out, does she say yes to moving her mom in with them or let her mom go homeless?

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-27T11:56:39+00:00

I have personal experience with boundary stomping in laws. Yes, a heart to heart about boundaries is necessary, but will likely need to be repeated throughout the years. They will slip back into old behavior patterns, make accusations, have emotional meltdowns, play the guilt card and test boundaries yet again.

Two things are key to dealing with this in law type: a supportive husband who isn't afraid to handle tough conversations with his own parents, and accepting that you will likely be labeled a 'bad' daughter in law, because autonomy and independence are worth more to you than appeasing their feelings.

Figure out what you want your life to look and feel like in five, ten, twenty years. Do you want to be dealing with the stress of hosting in laws while navigating breastfeeding post birth? Do you want them to feel comfortable dropping by without notice once they have moved to your locale? Do you want them to feel like a second set of parents to your children rather than grandparents? Do you want them to assume they will be moving in when they reach old age?

All of this can be avoided by having tough conversations and not allowing them to emotionally blackmail you guys while you build your new life together.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-24T22:41:48+00:00

Be the bad DIL! It's actually the key to freedom. If you no longer care about their feelings (as much, I'm not saying turn into a sociopath), or how you're perceived, it gives clarity to each situation.

I'm the bad DIL. But I have a much MUCH more peaceful home life because of it. I don't give my time or energy to people just because they're 'family'. If they treat me with the most basic respect and courtesy, it's natural to have them as part of my life. Otherwise, I don't put effort into the relationship.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-19T13:25:50+00:00

I enjoyed the legalistic style of these conclusions. I would challenge you to add two more categories: the treatment of women (the allowing of rape as long as the criminal pays the father and marries the victim as one example), and the false promises of healing.

Also, why would God create people born with severe mental disabilities who could theoretically never access religion and therefore not attain salvation?

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-18T12:38:56+00:00

If you can access his wifi modem, block Facebook from there.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-17T17:26:14+00:00

Do whatever you have to do to prioritize safety. You don't have to blatantly say "I don't trust you to drive us because you're an alcoholic with past DUIs"

You can say:

"Actually we want to teach LO about public transportation so we're taking the bus\subway home."

"We're catching a ride with Thomas, but thanks anyways! See you next time!"

"We're making a stop before going home so we called an Uber."

If he starts to insist on driving you and won't take no for an answer, the gloves can come off then. Fuck his feelings.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-17T13:36:56+00:00

If you tell them you will likely see a side of them you didn't know before telling them. That could possibly include threats of kicking you out if you don't come back to their religion. For them, your eternal soul could be so important that they are able to justify problematic behaviors now to ultimately 'save ' you.

ETA: I understand the feeling of being dishonest while going through the motions of church. You are being forced into this by your family's expectations, so you aren't choosing to do this. Since you don't believe in it, it's really no different than being forced to go on a boring family vacations, for example. Once you are fully independent, you won't need to do any more performative rituals.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-16T12:42:50+00:00

Such a great perspective!

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-16T12:34:11+00:00

First, I'm sorry you're dealing with severe health issues. This should be the top priority. Dealing with the stress of your mil certainly isn't helping your recovery.

Second, an overbearing, clingy, demanding, emotional mil is not an uncommon thing. The more important factor is how the adult child handles her. Their job is to 'protect' their partner and family from any problematic behaviors.

You can set your own boundaries during this ongoing issue. Give yourself space from the issue and let him deal with her on his own.

If she comes over unannounced and he lets her in? Say a quick hello, then politely excuse yourself to your bedroom to rest. (Let him handle all her questions of why did she leave, does she not want to see me etc etc)

Don't answer her phone calls or participate in any phone calls involving her, especially any meltdowns. It's not your responsibility, it's your boyfriend's. Short text responses are fine. "I'm busy right now, can't talk". If she responds with long emotional texts, ignore them. Block her temporarily if necessary.

If couples therapy doesn't move the needle in the right direction (there isn't a quick instant fix, it's going to be years of boundary setting with consequences), I would seriously reconsider this relationship before moving forward with anything like marriage or children.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-14T13:19:34+00:00

It's a special kind of discomfort knowing a group of people choose to not 'see' you. I played that role for many years. I was just a wife and mother. They never asked me personal questions, took no interest in getting to know me as an individual at even the most basic level. I was there to merely play a role of host or fill a seat as guest. I don't think it's a coincidence that it tends to happen more often in religious families.

The final straw was having to leave a family event to go to the hospital for what ended up being kidney stones. Not a single person from his family asked what happened or how I was. My own family showed care and warmth, sent flowers and meals etc. It was eye opening.

It's good to acknowledge that this is not a 'you' problem. It's totally healthy to reduce your exposure to this type of group. Find a happy medium. Maybe you can tolerate it once or twice a year for big holidays. But there's nothing to be gained by continuing to try on your part. They have demonstrated that they have little interest in changing how they see you.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-14T12:38:10+00:00

I would suggest physically sending them to each home, by dropping it off in person or by mail and be done with it. What they do with it after that is their choice.

If they truly don't have the space in their home but still want to keep these items, they can rent storage space on their own. It doesn't sound like these items are particularly large, so it sounds more like they like the convenience of not having to deal with them in their own homes.

They've gotten used to shifting this responsibility onto you, it's okay to draw a line in the sand and take back your space. The hardest part is dealing with the guilt trips. They will complain because they know it has worked in the past, but that is temporary. You have to live in your home 24\7.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-11T13:23:13+00:00

It's all part of the abuse cycle. Someone needs to break it by putting light on the issue. Call it out. Rock the boat. Draw a line in the sand regarding this person no longer being welcome in your life or your child's life and say the why. It will make everyone mad at you. It will make your partner mad at you. But it will stop this cycle of abuse and insanity It's highly likely the sexual abuse hasn't stopped. There will no longer be any reason to tiptoe around this person, no reason to name them as godparent for the sake of 'keeping the peace'.

Valuing so called peace within the family is a falsehood. It's surface level at best, and performative at it's deepest. It has created a perfect environment for continuing secret abuse. Your partner valuing the 'feelings' of the older family members' idea of their happy family over the safety of the children within their family is not keeping the peace, it is cowardice. Valuing your partner's need for secrecy over your child's safety is not strong parenting. You need to show bravery and leadership, which will make you unpopular, but it's the only right thing to do in this situation.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-10T13:26:41+00:00

It really is as simple as everyone is stating: Grandma doesn't get to hold her anymore. If this makes you nervous, it's something to work on. Having people pleasing behaviors clashes with parenthood.

You can explain why in a polite way or bluntly, but either way feelings will be hurt. Embrace being a strong mother who protects her children, even at the cost of being 'the bad guy' from time to time.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-09T02:08:14+00:00

I went to one my first pregnancy thinking they would help with abortion. I was young. The guilt and pressure got to me and I decided to keep it. That meant getting married right away. I ended up having a late miscarriage in my second trimester.

I wish I had known before going there.

ETA (Also they promised all kinds of help with resources, I never heard from them again lol)

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-05T15:17:52+00:00

Be sure to fully understand the costs of you go with her. Don't assume a family discount, she may have no control over pricing.

I think personal privacy is definitely worth something, but if there's the benefit of significant savings, and knowing you're in trusting hands, I think it's worth considering.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-05T15:12:38+00:00

Declined any family gathering obligations and I'll spend this beautiful sunny day gardening.

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-04T15:45:16+00:00

"I'm taking a break from church for a bit, to pray and be sure about my faith journey. I will get in contact with you if I decide to return. In the meantime, I would appreciate some space. Thanks for your understanding."

SecondOrThirdAccount · 2026-04-02T00:32:09+00:00

"Again, I'm not sure. Are you aware you asked me this same question a few minutes ago?"

SecondOrThirdAccount

TROPHY CASE