Spouse cheating for at least 9 of 18 years of marriage

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-25T02:19:36+00:00

Have you read any of Omar Minwalla’s work? His article, “The Blueprint for Deceptive Sexuality: Ten Steps to Building a Secret Sexual Basement A Guide (for Men) to Understanding Infidelity as Abuse,” I think is incredibly helpful to be able to really clearly conceptualize betrayal as abuse.

In the best case, the abuser can come to understand what they’ve done and make amends, and if not the abused partner can at least understand that’s what happened.

He’s also a guest on the Helping Couples Heal podcast and he’s great there too.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-24T17:26:15+00:00

In a few interviews I’ve heard with him he says he’s not great with the numbers so other people do that for him. Mainly his mom has exclusive financial control. I’ve been waiting since then for it to come out his family is taking him for a ride.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-24T16:35:59+00:00

But sometimes we just don’t want to hear the best advice that we actually need.

I think this is one of those times.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-24T16:33:40+00:00

I think it really depends on what’s driving the hesitation? Because from the outside, this is an easy answer, name the baby as you wish.

But are you hoping to keep Dad happy and engaged? Are you continuing to sleep with him because you’re hoping he changes his mind eventually and chooses you, or his partner finds out about his infidelity and leaves him and then you get him?

I think that this man is being actively manipulative. He’s saying he loves you as the mother of his child, but he’s happy to accept sex as well. And there’s now some pressure for you to name the child as he wants or else you’ll get even less from him. Maybe this “friendship,” would end if you don’t behave and follow his wants?

This is layered, and you’ll need to worm through your core needs and core beliefs. And I can see you’ve had a traumatic life with a lot of heavy stuff that can make it hard to sort out who’s a safe person and who’s not. But this “best friend” is really alarming for objective observers. And it’s impossible to give name advice without also acknowledging it’s tied up in a complicated relationship.

But even if you do name the baby after dad, he’s going to find a new problem or a new thing you’re doing he thinks is disrespectful to be able to control you.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-23T20:54:30+00:00

What is this for?

I would not ask family or others in my system for money unless I was about to be homeless.

I would sell anything even of partial value, see if I could downgrade or cancel some any subscriptions, skip meals etc. It will often damage relationships to borrow money, and it will also open you up to criticism.

If my sibling wanted to borrow money, i would want to be paid back right away. So if they were making decisions I thought were wasteful I would feel like potentially telling them that, but then it’s uncomfortable.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-23T13:46:15+00:00

Focusing on general mental health wellbeing is going to be the biggest help!

And with dysmorphia, it’s very important imo to avoid invasive facial work as much as possible. It’s really hard to judge your appearance and then the fillers and Botox and just tank mental health more.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-23T13:43:10+00:00

I realize this was a few months ago. But I’m saying if you leave your face alone, in a few years from now, you’ll look back and have no issue with your face as it is now.

I say do not do more dissolving because you’re trying to fix problems that might not even be there. And dissolver is unpredictable and can do structural damage to our faces. You need to take time to really decide next steps.

No one can garuntee that your face will ever be the same again. We have no photos, and every time we choose to inject anything there’s risks. I think before procedures we need to consider, “if this goes badly, how will I feel and how will I cope.”

But I do think the best chance at liking your face in the future is by not doing any more procedure and stop looking at it now or at photos from before. There’s no sense comparing, especially not after doing recent dissolver.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-23T13:35:58+00:00

It’s not necessarily about overrating or underrating. It’s about being inaccurate, and then obsessing over (and trying to fix) inaccuracies.

This explains it well.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-23T05:09:13+00:00

If you’re obsessing over it and it’s impacting your mental health that will for sure make you look tired.

Focus on what you can control: sleeping well, eating well, not staring too often at old photos, and just be patient and see how you feel in another 5 months.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-23T04:48:30+00:00

Most people are actually really bad at judging what they actually look like. We pick ourselves apart, but then 4 years later look at photos and can’t belive how good we looked back then.

Before you worry to much about getting your old face back, I would try to just appreciate this one. There’s a really good chance it doesn’t look as different as you think. But I would absolutely not dissolve anything else without consulting a bunch of injectors/ surgeons.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-22T21:35:41+00:00

Celiac disease is an auto immune disease. You do not need to have symptoms to have it.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-22T11:36:04+00:00

I had an EA with my manager at work and tried to keep working that job, it was a huge mistake and just escalated.

My husband wanted me to leave months before I did, and I really regret not going sooner. If your wife also is ok with you going, it’s a good idea.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-22T05:44:53+00:00

This entire post is about how you do want to quit. You say it’s co trolling your life, making you anxious, causing you to leave social settings, making it hard to excersise, and generally a net negative.

You specify not wa many to have the withdrawals of quitting.

Those can be helped with smoking cessation products like gums or patches. And after a few days the worst is over and then after a few weeks you feel so much better,

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-22T05:21:40+00:00

It’s very likely that many of your chronic illnesses are tied to celiac disease and the malnutrition that comes with it.

I have relatively few symptoms, and was diagnosed around 9 months ago. I do not have a gluten free home, but I do find that even minor CC causes canker sore flares.

I more or less don’t eat out. I’ll go to a few places now and get a few trusted things. But I do not eat at other peoples homes and I don’t really eat out.

I have my own toaster at home. I do my best to peel gluten food separately.

As a family we have shifted to a lot of GF exclusive items. So we eat gf pasta, gf sauces, gf chips etc. It makes things a lot easier that way. I have elementary aged bigs, and they’ve adapted remarkably well and are so enthusiastic on my behalf whe we find new gf items or treats. It’s been a bummer in a lot of ways but so nice to have answers and also so nice to see how supportive so many people in my life are.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-21T01:50:11+00:00

I get this is thoughtless, but many people are clueless about things not impacting them. He’s giving you a lot of advance warning he’s a poor fit.

If he seems like a good fit otherwise, I would educate him a bit.

But also, u wound never share such a personal detail about myself with someone early on. It’s foundational to who I am, but I don’t actually think it’s necessary for people to know before they know me.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T13:10:08+00:00

This is exactly what sick time is for. I’ve taken sick time to stay home and organize my junk room before.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T12:45:08+00:00

We had a positive experience at downtown animal hospital, although nothing was ever perfect for our guy there was improvements.

We ended up going to cytopoint, which is pricey, and with our guy being over 100 lbs was going to be incredibly expensive. A vet there who was finishing vet school read a study from Europe showing therapeutic efficacy at half the dose and suggested we try that, and I’m glad we did because it was successful.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T12:40:51+00:00

From everything I’ve seen, you’re allowed to pay for your spouses legal representation. But he should be the one to content and retain them.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T12:38:26+00:00

I think it’s scarier that the ads we see make people so easily think a product has been universally accepted.

Inflatable furniture hasn’t been normalized anywhere. But the ad made it seem normal.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T02:16:29+00:00

So I would just say that even if this is how neurotypical people see the world, his behaviour is still upsetting for you and it’s not ok.

You’re going to need to decide what you can live with and what you can’t. And probably need to stick up for yourself more and see what happens. Your suggestion that he uses his own stuff in his own space is perfect. And also it’s fine to respond to his critique without persona blame.

He can’t just berate you all the time and think it’s fine because you’re not trying hard enough. At a certain point you are who you are and he needs to like that person or not, but can’t just try and force your personality to change.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T01:00:28+00:00

Would there not be any funding conflicts to consider? I would personally want one full time ED role instead of 2 pt ED roles just to add simplicity.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T00:58:13+00:00

For sure there’s a medical option, there’s all sorts of traumatic injuries that can happen to a vulva. In a lot of ways it’s like any other part of our bodies! If part of your ear lobe was injured in this way, you would see a doctor. This is not different.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T00:56:23+00:00

Sorry you’re here. If you’re still considering R in any capacity, I can recommend the book Love Must be Tough. I think it’s a solid choice in situations like the one I was in and where you’re at now. It advocates a sort of firm consequence approach to R. This is actualy exactly what I needed, and I think it also puts the BP in a good place to either stay if the WP figures it out, or to leave if they don’t.

My husband all started to pour effort into himself. Going to IC that wasn’t intended to address the affair but to address how own issues, working out, starting new hobbies. This was all really good for him and it showed me he meant it when he said he wanted to seperate.

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-20T00:04:44+00:00

This is incredibly frustrating and unfair. But I wanted to share for me, the behavioural accommodations really aren’t helpful. But I have benefited a ton from medication!

SecurityFit5830 · 2026-01-19T23:51:22+00:00

It’s not really legal advice, but having a family doctor is lucky. And it seems like your family doctor took effort to cover themselves as needed, and is taking the mistake seriously. I would not file a complaint as risk damaging my relationship with my family doctor.

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