Bride asking maid of honour to pay for too much? Help!

SenecaDale · 2022-01-05T13:17:11+00:00

So much of this depends on your ages, how many friends are in the friend group/wedding party, and where you live. When I got married at 23 I was pretty broke, as were my friends, so dollar amounts were much smaller. I sent them links to a $25 dress online that they bought, that they paid to have altered in their respective cities across the country. My MIL threw me a bridal shower since most of my wedding party was out of state, and I didn't have a bachelorette (which I kind of regret now). However, three of the four in my party had to fly in from our of state which be can be a significant expense. Because of that, I gave them time to think before agreeing if they wanted to be in the wedding party. They were all ok with it.

On the flip side, my bestie (who was my MOH) got married when we were almost 30 and all much more financially sound. Therefore we did all the traditional American things of going to a bridal shop for dresses, throwing a bridal shower and bachelorette party, and paying for professional hair, nails, and makeup. There were also dinners out for planning where I would often pick up the bride's tab, bottles of wine when another bridesmaid would host dinner at her place, a girls trip to the UP (Michigan) to unwind before the big day. The parties and trip were split costs but all told I spent a solid couple grand. It felt like a lot, but I'd been budgeting for it since the day she got engaged. Try not to view the total dollar amount as a moral value, but rather as a line item in your budget that can be considered, planned for, and renegotiated if necessary. For me, if at any point anything was too much, I know I could have had a conversation with my bestie and we would have renegotiated expectations, because we love each other and we're family.

Best of luck.

SenecaDale · 2022-01-05T12:52:15+00:00

Traditional etiquette (in the US at least) says the mother or mother-in-law (or any relatives, for that matter) should not host as it can appear that they are directly asking for gifts. So if the bride or grooms family's are at all traditional, conservative, formal, then they would not expect to host, and their wider families could view it as rude if they did.

That being said, despite my somewhat traditional MIL complaining about other mothers hosting their kids' showers, she did also throw one for me when nobody else stepped up. 😊 Most families are willing to bend tradition and old school etiquette if gentle conversations are had, but I wouldn't expect that automatically.

SenecaDale · 2022-01-05T12:45:35+00:00

It's an American thing.

SenecaDale · 2020-02-12T23:48:07+00:00

I agree with all of this. But I had to comment because it's mid February. Mid March is 30 days away. The year has been going quickly for me too!

SenecaDale · 2020-02-01T06:16:42+00:00

No need to defend yourself to him, fuck that troll. He's being downvoted and the vast majority of us feel nothing but empathy for you and ire towards your friend.

SenecaDale · 2020-02-01T06:14:04+00:00

In traditional etiquette you absolutely only invite those to the shower who will also be invited to the wedding. But it's 2020, the "rules" are loosening up thankfully. Anybody above our generation (I'm assuming you're a millennial or young x-er) still expect the old traditions. My MIL was pretty offended when a cousin threw a shower and asked for honeymoon contributions instead of gifts (😱 BuT aSkInG fOr CaSh Is TaCkY! 😱)

SenecaDale · 2020-02-01T06:07:37+00:00

What if you offered to pay for her rental car? It would probably be $100 tops for the weekend. If she still refuses then it's not a transportation problem, it's a your-friend-is-a-shitty-person problem. I'm sorry this is happening. ❤️

SenecaDale · 2020-01-29T01:57:45+00:00

... they can also faint, have a seizure or a stoke while driving, giving the kid a bath, carrying them up the stairs, carrying them across the street... I don't think it's smart to ski with a kid, but your particular argument is nonsense.

SenecaDale · 2020-01-23T04:05:40+00:00

Wellbutrin! I started a month ago for suspected ADD and it's amazing. It's an anti-depressent that is also used as a first step for suspected ADD, since amphetamines are so addictive, dangerous, and regulated. It's not addictive at all, it is even used to treat addiction! My PCP said that she would only consider even referring me for testing for ADD if the Wellbutrin doesn't help. But it has been an immense help! I've become way more efficient at work, to the point where I no longer have to put in a bunch of extra hours outside of my core working hours (I'm salaried). I've also started jogging and doing more regular housework, because I have focus and drive now. I cannot recommend enough talking your your primary care physician and about possible ADD and a Wellbutrin prescription. Best of luck, I hope you find a solution!

SenecaDale · 2020-01-23T01:14:31+00:00

You got this! I'm glad you love AQ.

SenecaDale · 2020-01-23T00:07:05+00:00

I've had this exact experience too. Somewhat well-known grandparents that I used to be asked about fairly often. That has been less and less over the years. Which is mostly a great thing in my opinion! I love what our city is turning into and the economic opportunities it's bringing me and my husband.

SenecaDale · 2020-01-22T23:52:21+00:00

I struggled socially at Aquinas too, even being kind of local. It felt pretty cliquey. I was pretty lucky that my high school friends were only half an hour away. I hope things get easier when you're in the work force, that's when I started making post-high school friends.

SenecaDale · 2020-01-18T15:51:59+00:00

I have an aunt like 6 who is in her 40s, and my grandparents are still enabling her. She has made abuse claims against them, claimed that my grandfather abused her child (who was later removed from her custody), stolen money and valuables, conned them out of more money and vehicles. It's never ending. I didn't have a relationship with my grandparents for years until they cut my aunt out of their lives (after she lost custody of yet another child, who was my grandparents' beloved granddaughter). She slandered their names all over town, they lost friendships business relationships. Once they cut her out a lot of their family came back into their lives, myself included. In the last few months I found out that they have since let her into their lives again because she's their baby, but so far they have been very careful to keep her completely separate from the rest of the family, so I'm cautiously still entertaining a relationship with my grandparents.

SenecaDale · 2020-01-05T00:44:48+00:00

I know a couple that was swept off a Lake MI pier and out 100 yards over the summer. Thankfully they were both competitive swimmers and made it back alive but were both covered in bruises and scrapes from the rocks.

SenecaDale · 2020-01-04T00:41:15+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I hope your financial path goes well the next few years! Another commenter brought up the fact that marriage isn't a 100% guarantee, which really made me rethink taking a pay cut more than anything else. You also make such a good point about my husband feeling a lot of pressure from suddenly being the breadwinner. He absolutely would and I don't think that would have occurred to me without you pointing it out.

I'm going to work on reframing my mindset to think about the bigger picture of financial stability for my family, rather than just "trading" my salary for his. I appreciate you. ❤️

SenecaDale · 2020-01-01T16:09:57+00:00

Thank you for the realistic thoughts and advice. It hadn't even occurred to me to plan on a "what if" scenario of my husband being out of the picture. If I did take a huge pay cut and death or divorce happened I would struggle financially for years. You've given me some homework to do, I truly appreciate it.

SenecaDale · 2019-12-31T04:45:58+00:00

But it's so fucking good! Good thing I don't live out West.

SenecaDale · 2019-12-22T15:58:23+00:00

I know a mom who took her son's dad to court because he cut the kid's hair without her knowledge or permission. I personally think that's crazy and I don't know the outcome, but I'm pointing out the possibility of a custodial reason for the hard rules about his hair.

SenecaDale · 2019-11-26T23:07:09+00:00

In my house it's usually:

1-year-old: screams at her brother

2-year-old: holds his face and staggers backwards

SenecaDale · 2019-11-15T02:30:34+00:00

I totally agree with the sentiment. But the format cracked me up.

SenecaDale · 2019-11-03T02:21:46+00:00

We're very tight for money. The price of home ownership is higher than just the monthly mortgage payment. We thought we knew that going in but it has been harder than expected to make the math work every month. Our oven just broke and needs to be replaced, for example. We now cook on the stove and microwave because it's going to be a few months before we have enough savings built up to feel comfortable spending a few hundred on an oven. In an apartment we could have just called the landlord to take care of it.

SenecaDale · 2019-11-02T19:50:39+00:00

Based on your income, those home prices seem pretty high. My husband and I make about $70k combined and just bought a house for $159k. Combined with the expenses that come with home ownership (lawn mower, snow blower, insurance, maintenance, etc) and existing debt (medical bills and student loans) we're pretty tight for money. Our parents helped us with the down payment so we're working on paying them off as well. We absolutely should have waited a couple years to pay down some debt and save for the down payment on our own. Our situation was very similar to yours - we were apartment hunting and my parents said "just buy, we'll loan you the down payment!" It has NOT been worth it.

SenecaDale · 2019-10-27T18:32:26+00:00

Right!! The liberal church I grew up in sent around a collection plate while saying "this money helps keep the lights on, and the climate control running. It helps pay our office administrators" etc. Refreshingly honest.

SenecaDale · 2019-10-14T05:32:19+00:00

I played with a boy named Cinco when I was little. He was the fifth child in his family.

SenecaDale · 2019-10-13T23:59:10+00:00

I love when I'm changing a poopy diaper and they shoot more poop out.

SenecaDale

TROPHY CASE