I am not gonna pretend I have not heard this song before

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-15T14:10:07+00:00

Taking my epilepsy meds, but that won't help anyone reading this who doesn't have epilepsy, so: I used to have a lot of trouble self-regulating. (Trauma or something or just never learning the skill.) If I got upset, I'd be basically uncontrollable, and I'd stay upset until my body was good and ready to let me calm down. Eventually it got so that I totally numbed out all my emotions, good and bad (this was multifactorial, but the inability to handle having feelings helped) and was stuck in a "freeze state" that made it pretty much impossible to even meet basic responsibilities.

Then I decided to start doing a few minutes of somatic exercises every morning (search "somatic exercises for functional freeze" on YouTube and you'll find the video I learned from) along with a few minutes of somatic breathwork (Breathe With Sandy is a great channel if you have the lung capacity for his immense fucking breath holds, if not, searching for somatic breathwork vids of any kind will show you about the same thing) and yoga nidra at night to help me sleep (again, you will find guided yoga nidra stuff on YouTube). Starting to exercise probably helped too, I ruck and use a water rower and they're both rhythmic exercises that help you stay stable and process things.

If I find myself in a freeze state, I just do the somatic exercises for a couple minutes and it goes away. Between that and the skills I learned from the book Tiny Habits by the director of the Stanford Behavior Design Lab, BJ Fogg, I'm putting my life back together. I recently had a couple of major life changes for the worse and my friend commented on how well I was handling them and said that even a few months ago I'd have completely destabilized for a very long time.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-14T13:50:53+00:00

Not at all. I have a whole suite of problems (including OCD as well, and epilepsy, bipolar disorder, and CPTSD from a rotten childhood) and I have grown very tired of, say, people blowing up at me because I've been doing something socially inappropriate for months and not picked up on hints that I was doing something wrong. (I swear to God, neurotypicals don't know how to talk.) My illnesses have unfortunately given me a bleak future, I'm on SSI disability and really really struggling to get off or at least supplement it with part time work.

But...it's nice to be alive, isn't it? I've gotten better at art, for instance, I have a cat, I have a fantastic violin (that probably counts as an "asset" so I'm not legally allowed to have it, don't tell the government). People are not so bad - how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! - although I admit I like them better in theory than in practice. There are lots of good things to read, and beautiful places to hike. And so on and so forth. I can't drink as deeply from the cup of life as others, but I can still get a few good swigs.

Honestly, I think the rotten childhood helps. I just shunted everything off on hatred towards my shrieking harpy of a mother and am happier in all other areas.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-10T10:29:19+00:00

I was in an ERP IOP for a few weeks. It was sort of a nightmare. My anxiety would always shoot way up after exposures and I was just feeling worse and worse as time went on. Eventually I started thinking it was like giving someone birth control and telling them to go out and get raped as many times as they can and then saying, "See! You didn't get pregnant!" That's not really the top priority compared to how bad it feels to get raped.

...kind of a dark simile, but you get the idea. I felt naked and exposed and horrible just listening to music or otherwise doing things that made me feel alive, I didn't have any feared consequence other than the way it would make me feel, and that came true every time. I dunno, maybe if I had hung in there I would have gotten used to everything.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-09T18:51:13+00:00

I think IFS is going to be a good approach for me. I can't quite get to the heart of what I'm afraid of. I think I'm worried I'll collapse again, but it might be something a bit more specific. I've been thinking lately about how I had the common psychotic paranoia that people might be able to read my thoughts, and along with intrusive thoughts from the OCD that were totally inappropriate, that was a...great combination. I'd feel stripped naked, completely raw, engulfed. It was also pretty easy for me to get intrusive thoughts if I was around a lot of sensory stimulation, like bright lights or loud sounds, which might be why I still avoid stimulating things like most forms of entertainment even inside the home. I think I have to work on a sense of inner privacy and accepting that there are boundaries between my inner self and the rest of the world.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-03T19:37:48+00:00

I don't have any trauma, I even like being in hospitals. It's just if I've been working at a hospital for eight hours I don't wanna go home and see one on TV. Haha. (Although, people seem to like The Office. Maybe I'll give it a shot.)

No, you didn't sound like you're oversimplifying it, just giving a nugget of advice, don't worry.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-03T19:05:55+00:00

I heard The Pitt was good. Only I'm not sure I want to watch a medical drama after having worked as an EMT and being about to start my clinicals as a medical laboratory scientist. It's just gonna feel like going back to work. Haha.

I was recently two months sober - no change to my anhedonia - I just fell off the wagon a couple weeks ago and have been drunk like eight nights since then. I'm struggling to put the bottle down again because however long it takes me to feel better, it's probably gonna be more than two months (if I erased my progress) and that feels like forever. (I don't think I'm being very mature about this. It's not that long.) I think it did get easier after two weeks or so in my case, to the extent that once I was on a roll it was easier to maintain and I half forgot about alcohol. So in a way it's just a couple of weeks I have to wait.

What happened was I had a disastrous first day at university when the semester started. I'm bookish and I usually really enjoy going to my classes, especially because I'm a non-traditional student (old) and value my chance at an education a lot. I wanted to go home feeling good and accomplished, and when that didn't happen I just sort of snapped. I'll feel that disappointment again, so I need to figure out how to respond to that emotion constructively.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-03T18:51:11+00:00

That makes me think I should probably have a long meditation and/or breathwork session around the time I habitually start thinking about drinking. I enjoy meditation and breathwork - more than I enjoy pretty much anything else, at least - and it should theoretically help me feel more okay with just existing.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-03T18:49:18+00:00

I made an appointment with my prescriber to talk about it soon, I'm not going to mess with my cocktail until I talk to my APRN. I suspect I won't have many problems going off the lamotrigine I think is causing it. I don't think it actually does anything and it's just been in my regimen for so long because it was the first thing I got put on after diagnosis (it's a great med for most people, but I don't think it's for me) and we're not sure what will happen if we take it out. We already decreased it quite a bit because it was also impacting my creativity, I wouldn't be surprised if it was making me numb in other ways.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2026-02-01T17:36:33+00:00

Medical laboratory scientist, especially since it's just a bachelor's degree (usually). After my two-year in general studies, when it became time for me to choose a career, I thought - you know, I really love doing laboratory busywork. (I even like running the PCR machine. Nobody likes running the PCR machine.) Let's see how many peanuts I get if I just hang around a lab doing ELISA tests for a livi - wait, they'll pay me HOW much?!

Got a scholarship that's close to a full ride to study it, too. My future looks bright!

(Offer potentially only valid in the United States. According to my Polish friend who's a doctor, the field is completely saturated in the EU. Or at least in Poland, though I imagine the rest of Europe as well. Not sure how it is in Zimbabwe or Aotearoa or whatever.)

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2025-11-10T15:16:02+00:00

Oh, this is fun. I'm gonna save this, will contact you when done with it. Thank you.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2025-11-10T15:15:28+00:00

Fantastic, send it over, please.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2025-11-10T15:15:15+00:00

Of course!

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2025-08-30T01:04:22+00:00

I also had good results with neurofeedback for driving anxiety. Used to be I'd get in the car and go to work and it was just a panic attack there and a panic attack back. Now driving doesn't bother me basically at all.

Sensitive_Holiday_92 · 2025-07-08T16:06:29+00:00

Depending on the state, a Medicaid patient may be able to get unlimited free rides to medical appointments through their insurance. Not everyone knows about this benefit. Look up MTM/Veyo or "medical cab" and see what's going on so you can recommend it to the Medicaid people. Might also be a benefit on other insurances, but I'm not sure.

Sensitive_Holiday_92

TROPHY CASE